第九章 塑造同理的自我形象

113CHAPTER 9 Cultivating the Compassionate Self Compassion work first and foremost involves facilitating a shift in perspective, or social mentality, so that our clients can approach their difficulties with flexible attention and reasoning, feelings of safe- ness, and the courageous motivation to approach and work helpfully with suffering. We want to help clients shift from a threat-­based perspective focused on avoiding or getting rid of feelings of threat or discomfort, and into an orientation centered on developing strengths to help them com- passionately engage and work with whatever arises—­in their lives, or in their minds. In CFT, we call this perspective the compassionate self. THE COMPASSIONATE SELF In CFT, we’re less interested in teaching clients compassion techniques, and more focused on helping them cultivate compassionate lifestyles—­ways of being in the world defined by open, coura- geous hearts, flexible minds, and a repertoire of effective behaviors to draw upon. The compassionate self provides us with an organizing framework for the compassionate strengths we’ll help our clients develop—­a compassionate version of the self that we’ll continually be working to deepen and strengthen (Gilbert, 2009a; 2010). In this way, CFT isn’t about getting rid of unwanted experi- ences. It’s about cultivating this compassionate self that is wise, kind, confident, courageous, and committed to working with whatever life presents.CFT Made Simple A Method-­Acting Approach After reading those inspiring bits above, you may find yourself thinking, Well, this is all well and good, but it seems awfully pie-­in-­the-­sky. My clients have lots of real problems. Their experience of life isn’t anything like that. Actually, my life doesn’t seem much like that, either. As you might imagine, this is very a common experience. For clients whose lives are dominated by one experience of threat after another, the idea of the compassionate self can seem impossibly distant—­so far from their lived experience as to seem ridiculous. This idea, that I am nothing like that, can be a primary obstacle, so we need to find a way to work with it. We work with this in CFT by taking a method-­acting approach to the development of the com- passionate self (Gilbert, 2010). Actors quite often have to portray characters that are entirely dif- ferent from how they experience themselves, with traits and characteristics that are nothing like their own. How do they manage this? They do it by imagining what it would be like to be this character: If I were this person, with these characteristics, how would I feel? What would I think? What would I be motivated to do? Just as different emotions and motives organize our attention, felt emotion, thinking and imagery, motivation, and behavior in very different ways, we can prompt clients to consider how their minds would be organized if they possessed a deep wealth of compassionate qualities: compassionate motivation, wisdom, confidence, commitment, and emotional courage. Rather than getting caught up in debating whether or not they have these strengths, we assist them in imagining what it would be like if they did possess them. Using imagery, we can assist clients in exploring how they would feel, understand, and interpret situations; how they would relate to their own emotions and various “emotional selves”; and what sorts of things they would be motivated to do from this compassionate perspective. In this way, we can help them develop these compassionate ways of reasoning, feeling, and behaving without getting caught up in thinking, I am nothing like this. The Compassionate Self Practice Now that we’ve introduced the Compassionate Self practice, let’s explore how we might teach it to clients. We begin by orienting clients to the method-­acting approach, and then prompt them to imagine what it would be like to have various compassionate qualities. While we can vary the attributes featured in the exercise depending upon the needs of the client, we’ll often anchor the exercise to qualities of compassionate motivation (committed desire to be kind and helpful), wisdom and understanding, and emotional courage and confidence. In general, we want to begin with soothing rhythm breathing, then move to bodily experiences of warmth and strength, and then lead the client through a process of imagining what it would be like to have various compas- sionate mental qualities: Therapist: Jenny, now that we’ve committed ourselves to inviting that second teacher on board, I’d like to introduce the Compassionate Self practice. In this exercise, I’ll ask you to imagine what it would be like to have various compassionate 116Cultivating the Compassionate Self qualities—­like a committed desire to help yourself and others, a deep wisdom to understand and work with difficulties, and the confidence and courage to face difficult situations and work with them. Before we begin, do you have any questions? Jenny: (looking skeptical) That sounds like a stretch. It doesn’t sound like me at all. Therapist: That’s the beauty of the exercise. We’re going to approach this exercise like we’re actors playing a movie role that may be completely different from how we think of ourselves. Instead of thinking about whether or not we’re actually like this, we’re going to imagine what it would be like if we did have these qualities—­what it would feel like, what we would understand, how we would think…that sort of thing. Would you be willing to try that? Jenny: Okay. I’ll give it a try. Therapist: So we’ll start in a familiar way. Let’s assume a comfortable, upright position, and take about thirty seconds to slow down our breathing. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Straightens, closes her eyes, and slows her breathing.) Therapist: Now, allowing the breath to return to a normal, comfortable rate. (Waits three to five seconds.) Now I’m going to ask you to imagine what it would be like to have different qualities. As I describe the qualities, try to imagine what it would be like if you had them—­what you would feel, think, and experience if you were a deeply compassionate person who had already succeeded in developing these qualities. If you struggle at imagining this, you might bring to mind someone you think has these qualities, and imagine how it might feel to be like that person. Give me a gentle nod when you’re ready to continue. Jenny: (Nods.) Therapist: First, imagine that your body feels calm, peaceful, and safe—­filled with warmth and strength. Allow a gentle smile to cross your face. (Waits thirty seconds)… • Imagine that along with this warmth and strength, you are filled with a kind, committed motivation to help those who are suffering—­yourself and others. Imagine that this kind wish to help fills you and builds within you, filling you with strength and purpose. Feel this deep wish to help. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Imagine that along with this committed motivation, you are filled with wisdom. Imagine that you are able to think flexibly, and to see things from different perspectives. Aware that difficult situations and emotions come and go, you are able to keep from being 117CFT Made Simple captured by these experiences, and can draw upon your life experience in working with them. Knowing that difficult experiences are just a part of life, you are able to keep from judging them or yourself, and can look deeply—­to understand where these feel- ings and experiences come from, how they make sense, and what would be helpful in working with them. Imagine being filled with this wisdom. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Imagine that with this kind motivation and wisdom, there arises a deeply felt sense of confidence. Feel this confidence filling you with courage. You’re filled with the willing- ness to engage with difficult feelings and situations. It’s a feeling of knowing that whatever arises, I can work with this, too. Feel this confidence and courage building within you, filling you with strength. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Sits quietly, with her eyes closed.) Therapist: Imagining being filled with these qualities—­kind, committed motivation to help; deep wisdom; confidence; and emotional courage. Notice what it feels like as these qualities build within you. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Focus on the feelings in your body—­calm, peaceful, and strong. Imagine how you would feel, and look, as this kind, wise, confident, compassionate being. (Waits twenty seconds.) • Imagine how you would experience the world as this deeply compassionate being—­ what you would understand. (Waits a few seconds.) What sort of feelings would you feel? (Waits a few seconds.) What sorts of thoughts would you think? (Waits a few seconds.) What would you be motivated to do? What would you do? (Waits one to two minutes.) Jenny: (Sits quietly, with her eyes closed.) Therapist: And when you’re ready, allowing your eyes to open, and returning to the room. See if you can carry a sense of wisdom, kindness, and confidence with you as we continue. Feel free to stretch a bit if you like. Jenny: (Slowly opens her eyes and stretches a bit.) Mmmm. I liked that. Therapist: (smiling gently) What did you like about it? Jenny: It was really peaceful, and it was nice to think about being like that. Just really comfortable. Therapist: What was it like to imagine feeling like a deeply compassionate person—­kind, wise, and confident? 118Cultivating the Compassionate Self Jenny: It was hard at first, like I couldn’t really feel it. But I kept telling myself to just imagine what it would be like. Toward the end, I could sort of feel it. It felt different, at least. Therapist: That’s an important observation. It can be hard to feel it in the beginning—­so sometimes all we can do is to imagine what it might be like if we could feel it. If we focus on how we would see things from this compassionate perspective, it can help—­imagining the sorts of things we would think or understand if we had these characteristics. Jenny: It seemed to get easier as we went along. Jenny’s observation that it was initially hard to feel like the compassionate self is a common one. For many of our clients, this compassionate perspective is so different from their experience of daily life that it may take a while before the feelings show up. The key is to keep shifting into that compassionate perspective. It may help some clients to recall a time in which they really were com- passionate, in which they were motivated to help someone else, did so, and felt good about it. It can also be difficult to imagine having these characteristics in a vacuum—­it can feel vague to imagine being compassionate, kind, wise, or courageous without having a situation to reference. For this reason, it’s good to move fairly quickly from imagining having these compassionate characteristics to imagining how we might use them. Let’s consider a couple of ways we might do this. Extending Compassion to the Vulnerable Self One way we can help clients strengthen their sense of the compassionate self while also learn- ing to apply compassion to themselves involves having them bring to mind a situation in which they were struggling, and prompting them to extend compassion to that struggling version of them- selves from the perspective of the current, compassionate self. In guiding such an exercise, the therapist prompts the client to empathize with, sympathize with, and honor this previous, strug- gling version of the self—­while imagining that she is extending compassion, encouragement, and understanding to that suffering self. Let’s explore what this might look like: Therapist: Jenny, now that we’ve gotten familiar with the compassionate self, I’d like to try one more exercise. These compassionate qualities can feel a bit vague if we just imagining having them—­to make it feel real, it can help to imagine applying them in a particular situation. This is an exercise we can use to bring compassion to a situation you’ve been struggling with. How does that sound? Jenny: Sounds good. Therapist: Excellent. Hopefully, the exercise will also help you develop some compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with the fear and anxiety we’ve been talking 119CFT Made Simple about. First, I’d like you to bring to mind a situation you’ve struggled with recently—­perhaps one in which you were really anxious, afraid, or self-­critical. Could you take a minute to bring up a situation like that and then tell me a bit about it? Jenny: (Sits quietly for a few moments.) As I was telling you last week, one of my teachers announced that we’d be doing a group project in my communications course. She split us up into groups and told us to meet to work on the project outside of class. I was just sitting there, terrified. We exchanged phone numbers and we’re supposed to be meeting sometime this week. I’m dreading it—­it makes me feel sick to think about. I don’t know if I can do it. Therapist: What’s the project like? Jenny: We’re supposed to do a group paper, and then give a presentation to the class. It’s on effective communication with diverse groups—­worth like one-­third of the points for the class. It’s an interesting topic, but I hate group projects. Therapist: Does it make sense that this project would trigger your anxiety? Jenny: Yep. It’s all the stuff I’m scared of, wrapped up into one convenient bundle. I’m dreading our first meeting. We’re supposed to split up duties and figure out who’s responsible for what… It’s hard for me to speak up, so I know they’re going to think I’m a slacker. Therapist: This sounds like a perfect situation for this exercise. Want to give it a shot? Jenny: Might as well. Therapist: Okay. Let’s start by assuming a comfortable, upright position, closing the eyes, and doing thirty seconds or so of soothing rhythm breathing. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Closes her eyes and slows her breathing.) Therapist: Now, feeling sensations of calm, warmth, and strength filling your body, let’s bring to mind those qualities of the compassionate self. Allowing a kind smile to cross your lips, imagining what your body would feel like as this deeply compassionate person. (Waits fifteen to thirty seconds)… • Imagine being filled with a deeply felt sense of kindness—­a kind, committed desire to help yourself and all those who are suffering. Feel this kind commitment growing in you. (Waits thirty seconds.) 120Cultivating the Compassionate Self • Imagine that with this kind motivation, you are filled with a deep wisdom and understanding—­able to think flexibly, see things from multiple perspectives, and figure out what to do. (Waits thirty seconds.) • Imagine that alongside this wisdom, you experience a powerful feeling of confidence and courage—­a deeply felt sense that whatever happens, I can work with this, too. It’s a sense of knowing—­knowing that you can help. (Waits thirty seconds.) Jenny: (Sits quietly.) Therapist: Now bring to mind that situation back in the classroom. You’ve been split up into groups. See that vulnerable, anxious version of you sitting there with this group of people, sharing her phone number. From this kind, wise, compassionate perspective, imagine looking in on that anxious version of you in that situation. See how she is feeling. Can you see how hard it is for her? Jenny: I can. She’s terrified. She doesn’t know if she’s going to be able to do it. Therapist: From this kind, wise, confident perspective, see if it’s possible for you to be touched by her suffering, to have compassion for this anxious version of you who only wants to get a good grade in the course. A long time ago, some classmates treated her terribly, and she learned to be really scared in situations like this. Can you understand why she would be so scared? Does it make sense that she would be terrified? Jenny: It does. It does make sense that she’d feel this way. She’s so scared that she’s going to be embarrassed, or humiliated. Therapist: It’s not her fault, is it? Jenny: No. It’s not. Therapist: Seeing how hard it is for her, is it possible for you to feel some warmth and compassion for her? To wish that you could somehow help her? How do you feel for her? Jenny: I feel bad for her, and I do wish that I could help her. It’s so hard for her. Therapist: That feeling you’re having—­being moved by her struggle—­that’s compassion. Feel this compassionate wish to help her. See how courageous she’s being, this anxious version of you, staying there even though she’s terrified. (Waits a few seconds.) Jenny: (Sits quietly with eyes closed.) 121CFT Made Simple Therapist: Imagine that this strong, compassionate version of you could be there with her. Imagine you’re there with her, and only she can see or hear you. Consider how you would be there for this struggling version of yourself—­how you might help her to feel safe, how you might encourage her. You know her better than anyone else, and you know what she would need. How would you help her? Jenny: I don’t think I’d say anything to her. I’d just sit there with her, maybe holding her hand. Just trying to help her feel safe. To let her know she’s okay, and that I’m here for her. Therapist: Imagine yourself sitting there with her, sending her kindness, understanding, and support. You understand what she’s going through—­you get how hard it is for her, and how hard she’s working just to be there. She’s so strong, facing these fears, but she doesn’t yet understand that. Allow yourself to feel good about being able to support her in this moment, and imagine her being filled with the kindness, support, and encouragement you’re sending out to her. Are you able to imagine that? Jenny: (Sits quietly with her eyes closed, slightly tearful but voice clear.) I am. Therapist: (Waits a bit.) Imagine her being able to receive this understanding and support from you. How might she feel? Jenny: (Pauses.) Better. Still scared, but better. Supported. She’s got someone on her side. Therapist: From this compassionate perspective, what would you want her to understand? Jenny: That she’s going to be okay. And that I’m there to help her. Therapist: (Pauses, smiling.) That’s beautiful, Jenny. Let’s take a few moments more, imagining being there with that anxious version of you, extending compassion and support to her. When clients are able to connect with it, the experience of imagining oneself extending com- passion to a struggling version of the self can be a powerful one. We want to help make the experi- ence a vivid one, having them imagine what they are feeling, doing, and experiencing in this scenario with as much detail as possible. Clients with deeply entrenched shame and self-­criticism may ini- tially struggle with such exercises. We can help them, gently suggesting ways they might support their struggling selves. For such clients, it may be more useful to have them begin by imagining a situation in which someone else—­someone they care about—­is struggling, and imagining extend- ing compassion to that person. Once their self-­criticism has been softened a bit through compas- sionate thinking exercises or other practices, we can have them return to extending compassion to themselves either through this practice or through compassionate chair work, which we’ll intro- duce a bit later. 122Cultivating the Compassionate Self Some clients may find it nearly impossible to imagine having these qualities. Such clients may, however, be able to bring to mind someone they think does possess these traits, and imagine what it would be like to feel, think, and act from that person’s perspective. The key is for them to begin developing the ability to shift into a perspective that is organized by the experience of compassion rather than threat. The Compassionate Self in Action Once the Compassionate Self practice has been introduced, we want to strengthen this com- passionate perspective by having clients shift into it as often and in as many different situations as possible. We can do this in session, both by beginning subsequent sessions with a brief Compassionate Self exercise and by pausing to shift into this perspective at different points in the session, particu- larly when it’s clear the client is caught up in the threat system. It’s important to note that in doing this, we aren’t shaping avoidance—­we shift our attention away from the threatening material or situation so that we can slow things down, shift into the perspective of the compassionate self, and then come back to work with the problematic situation or emotion. We’re shaping a process in which clients learn to mindfully notice when they’ve been captured by experiences of threat and use this awareness as a cue to work with their emotions, balance things out a bit, and come back to work with things from a compassionate perspective. The coming back is crucial—­otherwise, we’re just helping the client establish patterns of experiential avoidance, which isn’t at all helpful. We can also collaborate with clients to develop a plan for practicing outside of the session. It’s important that this practice is initially done when conditions are favorable (not when the client is completely overwhelmed by threatening emotions or situations). We can even work with clients to plan specific times when they can shift into the perspective of their compassionate selves—­ considering how they would feel, think, pay attention, and be motivated to behave from this per- spective. Before walking into a meeting at work or beginning a project, before picking up the kids from school, as we’re getting up in the morning or before going to bed at night—­the key is to identify times to practice shifting into the perspective of the compassionate self. With practice, this shift in perspective can be accomplished fairly quickly, perhaps by simply bringing to mind words like kind, wise, courageous, compassionate. We can then have clients apply this new perspective increas- ingly to challenging situations in their lives—­imagining how they might think, feel, pay attention, and be motivated to act from this compassionate perspective. In planning such home practice, we want to approach it as we would any outside-­of-­session practice: by considering potential obstacles and hedging our bets for success. It can be key to work collaboratively with clients to plan how to keep motivation high (starting small, initially planning for situations in which there’s a high likelihood of feeling successful) and to build in reminders so they don’t forget to practice. We can use behavioral techniques such as activity scheduling (Persons, Davidson, & Tomkins, 2000) to increase the likelihood that they’ll be able to follow through with the plan. 123CFT Made Simple Additionally, we want to communicate that it can initially be difficult to shift into this perspec- tive, and that they may find themselves resisting doing so for various reasons, including just not feeling like it. We want to emphasize that the point is simply to make the effort—­to try to imagine how you might feel, think, pay attention, and behave in this situation from the perspective of this kind, wise, courageous, compassionate self. We can even make “not wanting to do the home prac- tice” the situation that is targeted: “How would your kind, wise, confident, compassionate self understand your resistance to do this practice? What would she encourage you to do?” Home practice can be aided by the Threat Emotion Monitoring form—­a basic cognitive behavioral moni- toring form that includes prompts to consider the situation and one’s responses from the perspec- tive of the compassionate self. (This form is included in the appendix at the end of this book, and is also available online at http://www.newharbinger.com/33094.) Compassionate Letter-Writing Particularly with clients who struggle with social anxiety or difficulty concentrating, in-­session practice applying the compassionate self can be challenging. They may find themselves feeling self-­ conscious or “on the spot,” with threat arousal getting in the way of being able to connect with (or verbalize) this compassionate perspective. Compassionate letter-­w riting can help clients learn to extend compassion to themselves in a context that allows them to avoid the potential performance demands of an in-­session exercise. It also provides as much time as they like to think about and craft a compassionate message to their vulnerable selves (Gilbert 2009a; 2010). Additionally, this exercise produces a product—­the compassionate letter—­that can be read again and again in those moments when the client needs compassionate support, encouragement, and coaching. Such a letter can be composed in session, but I find that having clients complete the letter at home often leads to a more powerful letter, as they can spend several days considering what to write, can take as much time as they need in writing it, and can even develop multiple letters to support themselves in different situations. Below, I’ve included a sample set of instruc- tions to send home with clients who will be composing a compassionate letter. (The instructions are also available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/33094.) INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMPASSIONATE LETTER-WRITING This exercise is designed to help us develop the compassionate self. We want to build and strengthen mental patterns that will help us find the courage to work with difficult experiences, to accept ourselves, and to build a sense of peace within ourselves that we can share with others. Learning to think and behave compassionately can sometimes be helped by writing a letter to our- selves. In this exercise, you’re going to write about difficulties, but from the perspective of your compassionate self. You can write a general letter to yourself, or you can tailor the letter to support yourself around a particularly challenging situation. 124Cultivating the Compassionate Self • First, get out a pen and paper. You might even pick out a special journal or notebook. • Spend a few moments doing soothing rhythm breathing. Allow yourself to slow down and settle into your experience. • Now try to shift into the perspective of your compassionate self. Connect with your compassionate self, imagining yourself at your best—­your calmest, your wisest, your most caring, your most confident and courageous. Feel yourself filled with feelings of kindness, strength, and confidence. Imagine yourself as this compassionate person who is wise, understanding, and committed to helping. Imagine your manner, your tone of voice, and how you feel as this compassionate being. • When we are in a compassionate frame of mind, even slightly, we try to use our per- sonal life experiences wisely. We know that life can be hard. We can look deeply into the perspectives of ourselves and other people involved in difficult situations, and try to understand how it makes sense that they might feel and act this way. We offer strength and support, and try to be warm, nonjudgmental, and noncondemning. Take a few breaths and feel that wise, understanding, confident, compassionate part of you arise—­this is the part of you that will write the letter. • If thoughts of self-­doubt, like Am I doing it right? or I’m not really feeling it arise, note these thoughts as normal comments our minds make, and observe what you are experiencing as you write the best that you can. There is no right or wrong…you’re just practicing, working with your compassionate self. As you write, try to create as much emotional warmth and understanding as you can. • As you write your letter, try to allow yourself to understand and accept your distress. For example, you might start with, I am sad, and I feel distress. My distress is understandable because… • Note the reasons—­realize that your distress makes sense. Then continue… I would like myself to know that… • The idea is to communicate understanding, caring, and warmth while helping ourselves work on the things we need to address. When you have written your first few compassionate letters, go through them with an open mind and see whether they actually capture compassion for you. If they do, see if you can spot the following qualities in your letter: • It expresses concern, genuine caring, and encouragement. • It is sensitive to your distress and needs. • It helps you face your feelings and become more tolerant of them. 125CFT Made Simple • It helps you become more understanding of your feelings, difficulties, and dilemmas. • It is nonjudgmental and noncondemning, helping you to feel safe and accepted. • A genuine sense of warmth, understanding, and caring fills the letter. • It helps you think about behavior you may need to adopt in order to get better. • It reminds you why you are making efforts to improve. Let’s consider an example of a compassionate letter: Dear Josh, This has been a rough week and it makes sense that you’re having a hard time. You’ve been trying hard to work with your anger. It’s easy to feel upset with yourself when you don’t meet your standards. Remember that you didn’t choose to have a threat system that makes this anger, and it’s not your fault that you get angry. There’s nothing wrong with you—­it’s just your old brain trying to protect you. You learned to be angry by watching your father, and when you were bullied in school. That isn’t your fault, either. But you’re taking responsibility for becoming a better man, and that takes a lot of courage. I know this feels terrible and sometimes you want to give up, but you’re doing better and I know you can do it. Although you’re scared others will attack you like your dad and those kids at school did, things are really different now. He’s gone, and Maria loves you and has stayed with you even when things were really bad. Chloe and Aiden look up to you and you care a lot about being a good father to them. You’re making progress. You just need to keep going. This compassion stuff is helping you realize that being strong and being angry are two different things. You have what it takes to be a good man. You can do this. It will be hard, but you can do this. If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re having a really tough day. Maybe you did or said something that you’re beating yourself up for. Remember that these times will pass. You just have to keep going. Think of all the times when things seemed bad, but you made it through. Maybe go to the gym and let off some steam. You know exercise helps. Hang out with Nathan. Slow down your breath. Mostly, remember why you’re doing this. Remember your family, how much they love you, and how much you want to be there for them. You’re safe, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Sincerely, Josh We can have clients bring their compassionate letters to session and, if they feel comfortable, read them out loud. It can be a powerful experience for clients to hear themselves speaking com- passionately to their struggles in this way. Some clients may find themselves stumped, unable to generate such a letter. If the issue is one of motivation, better to not push the issue and instead use Socratic dialogue to explore the 126Cultivating the Compassionate Self resistance—­again, we don’t want to set our clients up to resist extending compassion to themselves because we’re pushing it on them. On the other hand, sometimes it will be the case that clients simply don’t know how to address themselves in this compassionate way. In such cases, we can do a Compassionate Self exercise in session as described in the examples above, and then (with both therapist and client operating from the perspective of their compassionate selves), collaborate to write the compassionate letter—­with the therapist offering support, Socratic questions, and sug- gestions about how the client might relate to his struggles (and the struggling version of himself) in compassionate, supportive ways. SUMMARY In CFT, Compassionate Self work isn’t just a technique. It can serve as a framework for integrating all of the other aspects of the therapy, and as a perspective from which our clients can learn to courageously approach and work with their struggles and suffering. Once this perspective has been established, it can be used as a reference point for problem solving (“What would your compassion- ate self think or do in this situation?”), for sympathy and empathy (“How would your compassion- ate self feel when she sees you struggling like this?” “What would your compassionate self understand about why you are feeling and behaving this way?”), and for motivating therapeutic work. Quite frequently, in developing a plan for home practice, I’ll ask clients, “What would your compassionate self want to make sure you do over the next week?” As we’ll see in coming chapters, establishing the perspective of the compassionate self also sets the stage for important work occurring within the therapy session, such as compassionate chair work and the Multiple Selves exercise. Ultimately, a primary goal of CFT is the strengthening of this compassionate version of the self and the neural architecture that underlies it, so that these compassionate ways of being and relating to self and others become woven into the fabric of our clients’ day-­to-­day lives.