第九章 塑造同理的自我形象

第9章

培养同情心

同情工作的首要任务是促进视角或社会心态的转变，使来访能够以灵活的注意力和推理、安全感以及勇敢地面对和处理苦难的动力来应对他们的困难。我们希望帮助来访从基于威胁的视角（专注于避免或消除威胁或不适的感觉）转变为以发展力量为中心的视角，帮助他们同情地参与和处理生活中或内心出现的任何事情。在CFT（同情心聚焦疗法）中，我们称这种视角为同情心自我。

同情心自我

在CFT中，我们不那么关注教授来访同情技巧，而是更专注于帮助他们培养同情生活方式——一种由开放、勇敢的心灵、灵活的思维和一系列有效行为定义的生活方式。同情心自我为我们提供了一个组织框架，帮助来访发展同情力量——一种我们不断努力深化和加强的同情版本的自我（Gilbert, 2009a; 2010）。在这种方式下，CFT不仅仅是消除不想要的经历，而是培养一个智慧、善良、自信、勇敢且致力于应对生活所呈现的一切的同情自我。

方法表演法

读完上述鼓舞人心的内容后，你可能会想，好吧，这听起来很好，但似乎太不切实际了。我的来访有很多实际问题。他们的生活经历根本不是那样的。其实，我的生活也不像是那样。 正如你可能想象的那样，这是一种非常常见的体验。对于那些生活中充满了一个接一个的威胁体验的来访来说，同情心自我的概念似乎遥不可及——与他们的实际生活相距甚远，以至于显得荒谬。这种想法，“我根本不是那样的”，可能是一个主要障碍，因此我们需要找到一种方法来应对它。 在CFT中，我们通过采用方法表演法来培养同情心自我（Gilbert, 2010）。演员经常需要扮演与他们自身经历完全不同的人物，具有与他们自己截然不同的特质和特征。他们是如何做到这一点的？他们是通过想象成为这个人物的感受：如果我是这个人，拥有这些特质，我会有什么感受？我会怎么想？我会被什么动机驱使去做什么？ 正如不同的情绪和动机以非常不同的方式组织我们的注意力、感受、思维和意象、动机和行为一样，我们可以通过提示来访想象如果他们拥有丰富的同情品质（如同情动机、智慧、信心、承诺和情感勇气），他们的思维会如何组织。我们不陷入辩论他们是否拥有这些力量，而是帮助他们想象如果他们拥有这些品质会是什么样子。通过意象，我们可以帮助来访探索他们会有什么感受、理解和解释情况的方式、如何对待自己的情绪和各种“情感自我”，以及从这种同情视角会被什么动机驱使去做什么。通过这种方式，我们可以帮助他们发展这些同情的思维方式、感受和行为，而不陷入“我根本不是那样的”这种思维。

同情心自我练习

现在我们已经介绍了同情心自我练习，让我们探讨如何教给来访。我们首先向来访介绍方法表演法，然后提示他们想象拥有各种同情品质会是什么样子。虽然我们可以根据来访的需要调整练习中强调的属性，但通常我们会将练习锚定在同情动机（致力于善良和帮助）、智慧和理解、情感勇气和信心等品质上。一般来说，我们希望从舒缓节奏的呼吸开始，然后转向身体温暖和力量的体验，最后引导来访通过一个过程，想象拥有各种同情心理品质会是什么样子：

治疗师：珍妮，既然我们已经承诺邀请第二位老师加入，我想介绍同情心自我练习。在这个练习中，我会请你想象拥有各种同情品质会是什么样子——比如致力于帮助自己和他人、深刻理解并处理困难的智慧，以及面对和处理困难情况的信心和勇气。在我们开始之前，你有任何问题吗？ 珍妮： （看起来怀疑）这听起来像是天方夜谭。这根本不像是我。 治疗师：这就是练习的美妙之处。我们将像演员扮演电影角色一样进行这个练习，这个角色可能与我们对自己的看法完全不同。我们不会考虑我们是否真的像这样，而是想象如果我们拥有这些品质会是什么样子——会有什么感受、理解、思考等等。你愿意尝试一下吗？ 珍妮： 好的。我会试一试。 治疗师：所以我们从一个熟悉的方式开始。让我们采取一个舒适的直立姿势，花大约三十秒的时间放慢呼吸。（等待三十秒到一分钟） 珍妮： （挺直身体，闭上眼睛，放慢呼吸） 治疗师：现在，让呼吸恢复到正常、舒适的速率。（等待三到五秒）现在我要你想象拥有不同品质会是什么样子。当我描述这些品质时，试着想象如果你拥有这些品质会是什么样子——你会有什么感受、思考和体验，如果你是一个已经成功发展这些品质的深具同情心的人。如果你

• 想象你充满了温暖和力量，同时有一种善良、坚定的愿望，帮助那些正在受苦的人——无论是你自己还是他人。想象这种帮助的愿望充满你的心灵，并在你心中积累，使你充满力量和目的。感受这种深深的愿望帮助他人。（等待三十秒到一分钟。）
• 想象这种坚定的愿望中，你也充满了智慧。想象你能灵活思考，从不同的角度看待事物。意识到困难的情况和情绪会来去，你能够不被这些经历所束缚，并能利用你的生活经验来应对它们。知道困难的经历只是生活的一部分，你能够避免评判它们或自己，并能深入探究——了解这些感受和经历的来源，它们为什么有意义，以及如何应对它们。想象自己充满这种智慧。（等待三十秒到一分钟。）
• 想象这种善良的愿望和智慧中，产生了一种深深的自信。感受这种自信给予你的勇气。你充满愿意面对困难感受和情况的意愿。这是一种知道无论发生什么，我都能应对的感觉。感受这种自信和勇气在你心中积累，使你充满力量。（等待三十秒到一分钟。） 珍妮： （静静地坐着，眼睛闭着。） 治疗师：想象自己充满这些品质——善良、坚定的帮助愿望；深刻的智慧；自信；情感勇气。注意这些品质在你心中积累的感觉。（等待三十秒到一分钟。）
• 关注你身体的感受——平静、平和、强大。想象作为一个善良、智慧、自信、富有同情心的人，你会有什么感觉，会是什么样子。（等待二十秒。）
• 想象作为这样一个深刻同情的人，你会如何体验世界——你会理解什么。（等待几秒钟。）你会有什么样的感受？（等待几秒钟。）你会有什么样的想法？（等待几秒钟。）你会受到什么动机的驱使？你会做什么？（等待一到两分钟。） 珍妮： （静静地坐着，眼睛闭着。） 治疗师：当你准备好了，慢慢睁开眼睛，回到房间。看看能否带着智慧、善良和自信继续下去。如果你想伸展一下也无妨。 珍妮： （慢慢地睁开眼睛，伸展了一下。）嗯。我喜欢这个过程。 治疗师：（温和地微笑）你喜欢它的哪些方面？ 珍妮： 它非常平静，想象自己成为那样的人感觉很好。感觉非常舒适。 治疗师：想象自己成为一个深刻同情的人——善良、智慧、自信——是什么感觉？ 珍妮： 一开始很难，感觉不到。但我不断告诉自己想象会是什么样。到了最后，我似乎能感受到一些。感觉至少有所不同。 治疗师：这是一个重要的观察。刚开始时确实很难感受到——所以有时我们只能想象如果能感受到会是什么样。如果我们专注于从这种同情的角度看问题，这会有帮助——想象如果具备这些特质我们会有什么样的想法或理解。 珍妮： 感觉越往后越容易。 珍妮观察到最初很难感受到同情的自我，这是一个常见的现象。对于许多来访来说，这种同情的视角与他们日常生活的体验如此不同，可能需要一段时间才能感受到。关键是不断转向这种同情的视角。对于某些来访来说，回忆一个真正同情的时刻可能有帮助——那时他们有帮助他人的动机，做到了，并且感觉良好。想象这些特质时没有具体情境参考也可能很难——想象自己充满同情、善良、智慧或勇气时，感觉可能模糊不清。因此，最好快速从想象拥有这些同情的特质转向想象如何使用它们。让我们考虑几种方法。

珍妮： 听起来不错。 治疗师：太好了。希望这个练习也能帮助你在面对我们一直在谈论的恐惧和焦虑时发展出一些对自己的同情。首先，我希望你回忆一个最近你挣扎的情境——可能是你感到非常焦虑、害怕或自我批评的情境。你能花一分钟回忆这样的一个情境，然后告诉我一些关于它的情况吗？ 珍妮： （静静地坐了一会儿。）就像我上周告诉你的那样，我的一位老师宣布我们在通讯课程中要做一个小组项目。她把我们分成小组，并告诉我们课外见面讨论项目。我当时就坐在那里，感到非常害怕。我们交换了电话号码，这周的某个时候我们要见面。我非常担心——想到这件事就让我感到恶心。我不知道自己是否能做到。 治疗师：这个项目是什么样的？ 珍妮： 我们需要写一篇小组论文，然后在班上做一次演讲。主题是如何与不同群体有效沟通——占课程总分的三分之一。这是一个有趣的主题，但我讨厌小组项目。 治疗师：这个项目触发你的焦虑是有道理的，对吗？ 珍妮： 是的。所有我害怕的事情都集中在了一起。我非常担心我们的第一次会议。我们要分配任务，确定每个人的责任……对我来说很难开口说话，所以我确信他们会认为我是一个懒惰的人。 治疗师：这听起来像是一个非常适合这个练习的情境。你想试试吗？ 珍妮： 反正也值得一试。 治疗师：好的。让我们先假设一个舒适的坐姿，闭上眼睛，做大约三十秒的舒缓节奏呼吸。（等待三十秒到一分钟。） 珍妮： （闭上眼睛，放慢呼吸。） 治疗师：现在，感受平静、温暖和力量充满你的身体，让我们回想那些同情自我的品质。让你的嘴角露出一丝善意的微笑，想象作为一个深刻同情的人，你的身体会有什么感觉。（等待十五到三十秒）……

• 想象自己充满了深刻的感受——一种善良、坚定的愿望，帮助自己和所有受苦的人。感受这种善良的决心在你心中增长。（等待三十秒。）
• 想象这种善良的愿望中，你也充满了深刻的智慧和理解——能够灵活思考，从多个角度看待事物，并找出该怎么做。（等待三十秒。）
• 想象这种智慧中，你体验到一种强大的自信和勇气——一种深刻的感觉，无论发生什么，我都能应对。这是一种知道——知道你可以帮助的感觉。（等待三十秒。） 珍妮： （静静地坐着。） 治疗师：现在回想课堂上的那个情境。你被分到了一个小组。看到那个脆弱、焦虑的自己坐在那群人中间，分享她的电话号码。从这种善良、智慧、同情的视角，想象看着那个焦虑的自己在那个情境中。看看她的感受。你能看到她有多难吗？ 珍妮： 我能。她非常害怕。她不知道自己是否能做到。 治疗师：从这种善良、智慧、自信的视角，看看你是否能被她的痛苦所触动，对她这个只想在课程中取得好成绩的焦虑版本产生同情。很久以前，一些同学对她很不好，她学会了在这种情况下非常害怕。你能理解她为什么会这么害怕吗？她感到害怕是否有道理？ 珍妮： 有道理。她会这样感觉确实有道理。她非常害怕自己会被羞辱。 治疗师：这不是她的错，对吗？ 珍妮： 不是。这不是她的错。 治疗师：看到她有多难，你是否能对她感到一些温暖和同情？希望你能够以某种方式帮助她？你对她有什么感觉？ 珍妮： 我很同情她，确实希望我能帮到她。她真的很不容易。 治疗师：你现在的这种感受——被她的挣扎所感动——这就是同情。感受这种希望帮助她的同情愿望。看看她有多勇敢，这个焦虑的自己即使非常害怕也仍然坚持在那里。（等待几秒钟。） 珍妮： （静静地闭着眼睛坐着。） 治疗师：想象这个坚强、同情的自己能够陪伴她。想象你就在她身边，只有她能看到或听到你。想想你会如何陪伴这个挣扎的自己——你会如何帮助她感到安全，如何鼓励她。你比任何人都了解她，你知道她需要什么。你会如何帮助她？ 珍妮： 我想我不会对她说什么。我会只是坐在她旁边，也许握住她的手。只是试着让她感到安全。让她知道她是安全的，我在她身边。 治疗师：想象你坐在她旁边，向她传递善良、理解和支持。你理解她正在经历什么——你明白这对她来说有多难，她只是为了在那里而付出多大的努力。她非常坚强，面对这些恐惧，但她还不明白这一点。允许自己为能够在这个时刻支持她而感到高兴，并想象她被你传递给她的善良、支持和鼓励所充满。你能想象到这一点吗？ 珍妮： （静静地闭着眼睛坐着，眼中含泪但声音清晰。）可以。 治疗师：（稍等片刻。）想象她能够从你这里接收到这种理解和支持。她可能会有什么感觉？ 珍妮： （停顿。）更好了。虽然仍然害怕，但更好了。得到了支持。她有人站在她这边。 治疗师：从这种同情的视角，你希望她理解什么？ 珍妮： 她会没事的。而且我会在那里帮助她。 治疗师：（停顿，微笑。）真美，珍妮。让我们再花几分钟时间，想象自己陪伴那个焦虑的自己，向她传递同情和支持。

当来访能够与其相连时，想象自己向挣扎中的自己表达同情的经历可以是非常有力的。我们希望帮助使这一体验尽可能生动，让他们尽可能详细地想象在这个场景中自己的感受、行为和经历。对于那些深受羞耻感和自我批评困扰的来访，他们最初可能会在这样的练习中遇到困难。我们可以温和地给出建议，帮助他们找到支持自己挣扎一面的方法。对于这类来访，让他们从想象某个他们关心的人在挣扎开始，并想象向那个人表达同情，可能会更有帮助。一旦通过同情思维练习或其他实践，来访的自我批评有所缓和，我们就可以引导他们通过此练习或同情椅工作（稍后将介绍）回到向自己表达同情。

同情心自我的行动 一旦介绍了同情心自我练习，我们希望通过对来访在尽可能多的不同情境下尽可能频繁地转换到这种视角来强化这种同情的视角。我们可以在会谈中做到这一点，既可以通过在后续会谈开始时进行简短的同情心自我练习，也可以在会谈的不同阶段暂停，特别是当来访明显陷入威胁系统时，转换到这种视角。需要注意的是，这样做并非为了塑造回避——我们将注意力从威胁材料或情境上移开，以便减缓节奏，转换到同情心自我的视角，然后再回到处理问题情境或情绪。我们塑造的是一个过程，在这个过程中，来访学会有意识地注意到自己何时被威胁体验所捕获，并利用这种意识作为处理情绪、平衡事物、从同情的角度重新工作的线索。回归至关重要——否则，我们只是在帮助来访建立经验回避模式，这并无益处。 我们还可以与来访合作制定会议外的练习计划。重要的是，这种练习最初应在条件有利的情况下进行（而不是在来访完全被威胁情绪或情境压倒时）。我们甚至可以与来访一起规划具体的时间，他们可以转换到同情心自我的视角——考虑他们从这个视角会有什么样的感受、思考、注意和行为动机。在走进工作会议之前、开始一个项目之前、从学校接孩子之前、早上起床时或睡前——关键是确定练习转换到同情心自我视角的时间。随着练习，这种视角的转换可以相当快速地完成，也许只需简单地想到诸如仁慈、明智、勇敢、同情之类的词语。然后，我们可以让来访越来越多地将这种新视角应用到生活中的挑战情境中——想象他们从这个同情的视角会如何思考、感受、注意和行为动机。

在规划家庭练习时，我们希望像对待任何会议外练习一样对待它：考虑潜在的障碍并增加成功的几率。关键在于与来访合作规划如何保持高动机（从小事做起，最初规划在有很高成功可能性的情境中）并设置提醒，以免他们忘记练习。我们可以使用行为技术，如活动安排（Persons, Davidson, & Tomkins, 2000），以增加他们遵循计划的可能性。

此外，我们需要传达，最初转换到这种视角可能会有难度，他们可能会因各种原因（包括只是不想这样做）而抵制这样做。我们希望强调，重点仅仅是做出努力——尝试想象在这种情境中，你从这个仁慈、明智、勇敢、同情的自我视角会有什么样的感受、思考、注意和行为动机。我们甚至可以将“不想做家庭练习”作为目标情境：“你的仁慈、明智、自信、同情的自我会如何理解你对这种练习的抵触？她会鼓励你做什么？”家庭练习可以通过威胁情绪监控表得到帮助——这是一个基本的认知行为监控表，包括从同情自我视角考虑情境和响应的提示。（本书末尾的附录中包含该表格，也可在线获取于http://www.newharbinger.com/33094。）

同情信件写作 特别是对于那些在社交焦虑或集中注意力方面有困难的来访，在会谈中应用同情自我可能会非常具有挑战性。他们可能会感到自我意识过强或“处于焦点之下”，威胁唤起阻碍了他们与（或表达）这种同情视角的连接。同情信件写作可以帮助来访在一个允许他们避免会谈练习潜在表现要求的环境中学会向自己表达同情。它还提供了他们想要的时间来思考并精心制作一条对脆弱自我表达同情的信息（Gilbert 2009a; 2010）。 此外，这个练习会产生一个产品——同情信件——在来访需要同情支持、鼓励和指导时可以反复阅读。这样的信件可以在会谈中撰写，但我发现让来访在家完成信件通常会产生更有力的信件，因为他们可以花几天时间考虑写什么，可以花所需的时间来写作，甚至可以为不同情境开发多封信件以支持自己。下面，我包括了一套示例指令，供来访回家后撰写同情信件时参考。（该指令也可在http://www.newharbinger.com/33094下载。）

同情信写作指南

这个练习旨在帮助我们发展同情自我。我们希望建立和加强有助于我们勇敢面对困难经历、接受自己、并在内心建立起可以与他人分享的平静的心理模式。学习以同情的方式思考和行为有时可以通过给自己写一封信来帮助。在这个练习中，你将从同情自我的角度写关于困难的内容。你可以写一封通用的信给自己，或者针对一个特别具有挑战性的情况来定制这封信。

• 首先，准备一支笔和一张纸。你甚至可以选择一个特殊的日记本或笔记本。
• 花几分钟时间进行舒缓的节奏呼吸。让自己放松下来，沉浸在这种体验中。
• 现在试着转换到同情自我的视角。与你的同情自我建立联系，想象自己处于最佳状态——最冷静、最智慧、最关心、最自信和勇敢。感受自己充满了善意、力量和信心。想象自己是一个智慧、理解和致力于帮助他人的同情者。想象你的举止、语调以及作为这个同情者的感受。
• 当我们处于同情的心态，哪怕只有一点点，我们都会试图明智地利用个人生活经验。我们知道生活可能很艰难。我们可以深入探讨涉及困难情况的自己和他人的视角，努力理解为什么他们可能会有这样的感受和行为。我们提供力量和支持，努力保持温暖、无评判和无谴责。深呼吸几次，感受那智慧、理解、自信、同情的部分在你心中升起——这部分将写这封信。
• 如果出现自我怀疑的想法，比如“我这样做对吗？”或“我真的没有感觉”，把它们当作我们大脑正常产生的评论来记录，并观察你在写作时的体验。没有对错……你只是在练习，与你的同情自我一起工作。在写作时，尽量创造尽可能多的情感温暖和理解。
• 在写信时，试着允许自己理解和接受自己的痛苦。例如，你可以从“我感到悲伤，我感到痛苦。我的痛苦是可以理解的，因为……”开始。
• 记录原因——意识到你的痛苦是有道理的。然后继续……“我希望自己知道……”
• 目的是传达理解、关怀和温暖，同时帮助我们解决需要面对的问题。 当你写完第一封或几封同情信后，用开放的心态回顾它们，看看它们是否真正捕捉到了对你的同情。如果做到了，看看你的信中是否有以下品质：
• 它表达了关切、真诚的关怀和鼓励。
• 它对你的痛苦和需求敏感。
• 它帮助你面对自己的感受，并变得更加宽容。
• 它帮助你更加理解自己的感受、困难和困境。
• 它是非评判性的和非谴责性的，帮助你感到安全和被接受。
• 温暖、理解和关怀的真实感充满了信件。
• 它帮助你思考可能需要采取的行为以改善。
• 它提醒你为什么努力改进。 让我们考虑一个同情信的例子： 亲爱的乔什， 这一周过得很艰难，你感到困难是可以理解的。你一直在努力控制自己的愤怒。当你达不到自己的标准时，很容易对自己感到不满。记住，你并没有选择拥有一个让你生气的威胁系统，你生气也不是你的错。你没有问题——这只是你旧的大脑试图保护你。你是通过观察父亲和在学校被欺负而学会了愤怒，这不是你的错。但你正在承担起成为更好的人的责任，这需要很大的勇气。 我知道这感觉很糟糕，有时候你想要放弃，但你做得更好了，我知道你能做到。虽然你害怕别人会像你父亲和那些孩子一样攻击你，但现在情况真的不同了。他已经走了，玛丽亚爱你，即使在事情真的很糟的时候也一直陪伴着你。克洛伊和艾登仰望着你，你非常关心成为一个好父亲。你在进步。你只需要继续前进。这种同情的东西帮助你意识到坚强和愤怒是两回事。你有成为好人的能力。你可以做到。这会很难，但你能做到。 如果你在读这封信，可能是因为你度过了非常艰难的一天。也许你做了或说了什么，让自己感到自责。记住，这些时刻会过去的。你只需要继续前进。想想所有看似糟糕但你最终挺过来的时刻。也许去健身房发泄一下。你知道运动有帮助。和内森一起出去。放慢呼吸。最重要的是，记住你为什么这样做。想起你的家人，他们有多爱你，你有多么想为他们在那里。你是安全的，你没有问题。 此致， 乔什 我们可以让来访带着他们的同情信来参加咨询，并且如果他们愿意的话，大声朗读出来。听到自己以这种方式同情地对待自己的挣扎，对来访来说可以是一种强有力的经历。 有些来访可能会发现自己无法写出这样的信。如果问题是动机不足，最好不要强迫他们，而是使用苏格拉底式对话来探索他们的抵触心理——我们不希望来访因为我们的强迫而抵制向自己延伸同情。另一方面，有时来访只是不知道如何以这种方式对待自己。在这种情况下，我们可以在咨询中进行同情自我练习，然后（在治疗师和来访都从同情自我的视角出发），合作撰写同情信——治疗师提供支持、苏格拉底式问题和建议，帮助来访以同情和支持的方式对待自己的挣扎（以及挣扎中的自己）。

总结

在CFT中，同情自我工作不仅仅是一项技术。它可以作为一个框架，整合治疗的所有其他方面，并作为一个视角，让我们的来访学会勇敢地面对和处理他们的挣扎和痛苦。一旦建立了这个视角，它可以用作解决问题的参考点（“在这种情况下，你的同情自我会怎么想或怎么做？”）、同情和共情（“当她看到你这样挣扎时，你的同情自我会有什么感受？”“你的同情自我会怎么理解你为什么会这样感受和行为？”），以及激励治疗工作。在制定家庭练习计划时，我经常会问来访：“你的同情自我希望确保你在接下来的一周里做什么？” 正如我们在后续章节中将看到的，建立同情自我的视角也为治疗过程中的重要工作奠定了基础，如同情椅工作和多重自我练习。最终，CFT的主要目标是加强这种同情版本的自我及其神经结构，以便这些同情的方式成为我们来访日常生活中的一部分。

本章知识点阐述

知识点阐述

想象充满同情的自我

在心理咨询中，引导来访想象自己充满同情、智慧和自信是一种有效的技术，有助于来访建立积极的自我形象和情感状态。以下是几个关键步骤：

1. 温暖和力量：

   • 想象自己充满了温暖和力量，同时有一种善良、坚定的愿望，帮助那些正在受苦的人——无论是自己还是他人。
   • 这种帮助的愿望应该充满你的心灵，并在你心中积累，使你充满力量和目的。
   • 感受这种深深的愿望帮助他人。

2. 智慧：

   • 想象自己充满智慧，能够灵活思考，从不同的角度看待事物。
   • 意识到困难的情况和情绪会来去，你能够不被这些经历所束缚，并能利用你的生活经验来应对它们。
   • 知道困难的经历只是生活的一部分，你能够避免评判它们或自己，并能深入探究——了解这些感受和经历的来源，它们为什么有意义，以及如何应对它们。

3. 自信：

   • 想象这种善良的愿望和智慧中，产生了一种深深的自信。
   • 感受这种自信给予你的勇气，你充满愿意面对困难感受和情况的意愿。
   • 这是一种知道无论发生什么，我都能应对的感觉。
   • 感受这种自信和勇气在你心中积累，使你充满力量。

实践中的应用

• 身体感受：

  • 关注你身体的感受——平静、平和、强大。
  • 想象作为一个善良、智慧、自信、富有同情心的人，你会有什么感觉，会是什么样子。

• 世界体验：

  • 想象作为这样一个深刻同情的人，你会如何体验世界——你会理解什么。
  • 你会有什么样的感受？
  • 你会有什么样的想法？
  • 你会受到什么动机的驱使？你会做什么？

来访的反馈

• 珍妮的体验：
  • 珍妮最初很难感受到同情的自我，但通过不断告诉自己想象会是什么样，最终能够感受到一些。
  • 她感到这个过程非常平静，想象自己成为那样的人感觉很好，非常舒适。

难点和解决方法

• 难点：

  • 对于许多来访来说，这种同情的视角与他们日常生活的体验如此不同，可能需要一段时间才能感受到。
  • 回忆一个真正同情的时刻可能有帮助——那时他们有帮助他人的动机，做到了，并且感觉良好。
  • 想象这些特质时没有具体情境参考也可能很难，感觉可能模糊不清。

• 解决方法：

  • 快速从想象拥有这些同情的特质转向想象如何使用它们。
  • 引导来访具体想象在某个情境中如何应用这些特质，例如帮助一个正在受苦的自己或他人。
  • 提供具体的练习和方法，帮助来访逐步建立这些品质。

扩展同情到脆弱的自我

• 具体情境：

  • 一种帮助来访加强同情自我意识的方法是让他们回忆一个自己正在挣扎的情境，并从当前的同情自我视角向那个挣扎的自我延伸同情。
  • 在这种练习中，治疗师引导来访同理、同情并尊重那个以前的、挣扎的自我，想象自己向那个受苦的自我延伸同情、鼓励和理解。

• 练习示例：

  • 治疗师：珍妮，现在我们已经熟悉了同情自我，我想再尝试一个练习。这些同情的品质如果只是想象，可能会感觉模糊。为了使它感觉真实，想象在特定情境中应用这些品质会更有帮助。这是一个我们可以用来将同情带到你正在挣扎的情境中的练习。你觉得怎么样？

通过这些步骤和方法，治疗师可以帮助来访逐步建立和加强同情的自我意识，从而更好地应对生活中的困难和挑战。

知识点阐述

情境设定

• 背景：
  • 珍妮在通讯课程中被分到一个小组项目，需要与其他同学合作完成。
  • 她感到非常焦虑和害怕，担心自己无法胜任，害怕被羞辱。

练习目标

• 发展自我同情：
  • 通过想象练习，帮助珍妮发展出对自己在困难情境中的同情。
  • 通过同情的视角，理解自己的恐惧和焦虑，从而减轻负面情绪。

练习步骤

1. 准备阶段：

   • 采取舒适的坐姿，闭上眼睛，进行舒缓的节奏呼吸，放松身心。
   • 感受身体的平静、温暖和力量。

2. 唤起同情品质：

   • 想象自己充满了深刻的感受——一种善良、坚定的愿望，帮助自己和所有受苦的人。
   • 感受这种善良的决心在心中增长。
   • 想象自己充满深刻的智慧和理解，能够灵活思考，从多个角度看待事物，并找出该怎么做。
   • 想象自己体验到一种强大的自信和勇气，知道无论发生什么，都能应对。

3. 回忆具体情境：

   • 回想课堂上的那个情境，自己被分到一个小组，感到非常焦虑和害怕。
   • 从同情的视角，想象看着那个焦虑的自己在那个情境中。

4. 产生同情：

   • 从善良、智慧、自信的视角，被她的痛苦所触动，对她产生同情。
   • 理解她为什么会这么害怕，看到她有多难。
   • 感受对她的温暖和同情，希望以某种方式帮助她。

5. 具体帮助：

   • 想象自己陪伴那个焦虑的自己，坐在她旁边，向她传递善良、理解和支持。
   • 考虑如何帮助她感到安全，如何鼓励她。
   • 允许自己为能够在这个时刻支持她而感到高兴，并想象她被你传递的善良、支持和鼓励所充满。

6. 接收和支持：

   • 想象她能够从你这里接收到这种理解和支持。
   • 想象她会有什么感觉，是否感到更好，得到了支持。
   • 从同情的视角，希望她理解她会没事的，你会在那里帮助她。

来访的反馈

• 珍妮的体验：
  • 珍妮能够感受到对那个焦虑的自己的同情和支持。
  • 她感到自己能够帮助那个焦虑的自己，让她感到更好，得到了支持。
  • 她希望那个焦虑的自己知道她会没事的，她会在那里帮助她。

练习的意义

• 减轻焦虑：

  • 通过同情的视角，珍妮能够更好地理解自己的恐惧和焦虑，从而减轻负面情绪。
  • 帮助她认识到自己的困境并不是她的错，而是过去的经历导致的。

• 增强自信：

  • 通过想象自己能够帮助那个焦虑的自己，珍妮增强了对自己的信心。
  • 她开始相信自己能够应对困难，即使感到害怕，也能坚持下去。

• 改善人际关系：

  • 通过这个练习，珍妮学会了如何在困难情境中给予自己同情和支持，这也有助于她在与他人的互动中更加自信和从容。

通过这些步骤和方法，治疗师帮助珍妮逐步建立了对自己在困难情境中的同情和支持，从而更好地应对生活中的挑战。

知识点阐述

想象练习的重要性

• 情感联结：
  • 当来访能够与想象中的情景建立情感联结时，这种练习可以非常有力。
  • 通过详细的想象，来访可以更真实地感受到同情的力量。

针对不同来访的策略

• 自我批评和内疚感：
  • 有深刻内疚感和自我批评的来访可能会在最初的练习中遇到困难。
  • 可以通过让他们想象关心的人在挣扎并对其延伸同情来开始练习，这可以帮助他们更容易进入同情的状态。
  • 一旦他们的自我批评有所缓解，可以引导他们回到向自己延伸同情的练习中。

强化同情视角

• 多样化练习：
  • 为了强化同情视角，可以在不同的场合和情境中进行练习。
  • 在咨询过程中，可以通过简短的同情自我练习开始每次咨询，并在咨询的不同阶段暂停，帮助来访转换到同情视角，尤其是在来访明显陷入威胁系统时。
  • 关键在于不形成回避，而是通过转换视角来处理问题情境或情绪。

家庭练习计划

• 制定计划：
  • 与来访合作制定家庭练习计划，确保在条件有利的情况下进行练习（而不是在来访完全被威胁情绪或情境压倒时）。
  • 可以安排具体的练习时间，例如在工作会议前、开始项目前、接孩子放学前、早晨起床或晚上睡觉前等。
  • 通过简单的词语如“善良、智慧、勇敢、同情”来快速转换视角。
  • 逐渐将新的视角应用到生活中的挑战情境中，想象在这种同情视角下他们会如何思考、感受、注意和行动。

应对障碍

• 潜在障碍：
  • 初始阶段，来访可能会发现转换视角很困难，甚至会有各种理由抵制这样做。
  • 重点是鼓励来访尝试，即使只是想象在特定情境下他们可能会如何感受、思考、注意和行动。
  • 可以将“不想做家庭练习”作为练习的目标情境，引导来访从同情的视角理解自己的抵制，并鼓励他们采取行动。

行为技术

• 活动安排：
  • 使用行为技术如活动安排（Persons, Davidson, & Tomkins, 2000）来增加来访遵循计划的可能性。
  • 通过设置提醒和小目标来保持动力，确保成功的机会较高。

同情信写作

• 适用对象：

  • 特别适用于社交焦虑或难以集中注意力的来访。
  • 这种练习可以帮助他们在没有表现压力的情境中学会向自己延伸同情。
  • 来访可以有充足的时间思考和撰写一封同情信，支持他们脆弱的自我（Gilbert 2009a; 2010）。

• 练习产品：

  • 同情信可以反复阅读，提供持续的支持、鼓励和指导。
  • 信件可以在咨询中撰写，但通常在家完成的信件更为有力，因为来访可以花几天时间考虑要写什么，有足够的时间撰写，甚至可以撰写多封信来支持自己在不同情境中。

• 指导说明：

  • 下面是一套可以发送给来访的指导说明，帮助他们撰写同情信。这些说明也可以在 http://www.newharbinger.com/33094 下载。

通过这些策略和方法，治疗师可以帮助来访逐步建立和强化同情的视角，从而更好地应对生活中的挑战和困难。

进一步阐述知识点

本文段落主要探讨了如何通过心理治疗帮助个体克服自我批评，转而采用自我同情的方式。自我同情是一种健康的心态，鼓励个体在面对困难和挑战时，以更加积极和支持的态度对待自己。以下是几个关键点：

1. 同情心自我练习：通过想象自己向挣扎中的自己表达同情，来访可以体验到一种强大的正面情感。这种练习旨在帮助来访学会从同情的角度看待自己的困难和挑战，而不是用批评和负面的情绪回应。

2. 逐步引导：对于那些深受自我批评和羞耻感困扰的来访，可以直接从想象他人在挣扎的情境开始，逐渐过渡到向自己表达同情。这种逐步引导的方法有助于减轻来访的抵触感，使其更容易接受新的思维方式。

3. 强化同情视角：通过在多种情境下频繁地转换到同情视角，来访可以逐渐内化这种新的思维方式。在会谈中，治疗师可以通过简短的练习和适时的暂停来帮助来访转换视角，特别是在来访明显感到威胁时。

4. 家庭练习：为了确保来访能够在日常生活中持续练习，治疗师可以与来访合作制定具体的计划，包括设定特定的时间和提醒，以提高练习的频率和质量。活动安排等行为技术可以增加来访遵循计划的可能性。

5. 同情信件写作：对于那些在社交焦虑或集中注意力方面有困难的来访，同情信件写作提供了一个有效的工具。通过写信，来访可以在一个没有压力的环境中思考和表达对自我的同情，这有助于他们在需要时获得支持和鼓励。

通过这些方法，来访可以逐渐学会在面对困难和挑战时，用更加积极和支持的态度对待自己，从而促进心理健康和个人成长。

知识点阐述

同情信写作的目的

• 发展同情自我：
  • 同情信写作练习旨在帮助个体发展同情自我，建立和加强有助于勇敢面对困难经历、接受自己、并在内心建立起可以与他人分享的平静的心理模式。
  • 通过写信，个体可以更好地理解自己的感受和需求，学会以同情的方式对待自己。

写作步骤

1. 准备工具：
   • 准备笔和纸，可以选择一个特殊的日记本或笔记本。
2. 放松身心：
   • 进行舒缓的节奏呼吸，让自己放松下来，沉浸在这种体验中。
3. 转换视角：
   • 尝试转换到同情自我的视角，想象自己处于最佳状态，充满善意、力量和信心。
4. 保持开放心态：
   • 如果出现自我怀疑的想法，将其视为正常的思维活动，继续写作，尽量创造情感温暖和理解。
5. 表达理解和接受：
   • 在写信时，尝试理解和接受自己的痛苦，记录原因，认识到痛苦是有道理的。
6. 传达同情：
   • 传达理解、关怀和温暖，帮助自己解决需要面对的问题。

信件的品质

• 关切和关怀：
  • 信件应表达出对你的关切、真诚的关怀和鼓励。
• 敏感和理解：
  • 对你的痛苦和需求敏感，帮助你面对自己的感受，并变得更加宽容。
• 非评判性和非谴责性：
  • 帮助你感到安全和被接受，不带有任何评判或谴责。
• 温暖和理解：
  • 信件应充满温暖、理解和关怀。
• 行动建议：
  • 提供可能需要采取的行为建议，帮助你改善现状。
• 动机提醒：
  • 提醒你为什么努力改进，增强内在动力。

实际应用

• 咨询中的应用：
  • 来访可以带着他们的同情信来参加咨询，并在咨询中大声朗读，这可以是一种强有力的经历。
• 处理抵触心理：
  • 如果来访出现抵触心理，可以使用苏格拉底式对话来探索其原因，避免强迫来访。
• 合作撰写：
  • 在咨询中进行同情自我练习，治疗师和来访共同合作撰写同情信，提供支持和建议。

总结

• 综合框架：
  • 在CFT中，同情自我工作不仅仅是一项技术，它是一个综合框架，整合了治疗的所有其他方面。
• 解决问题：
  • 一旦建立了同情自我的视角，可以作为解决问题的参考点，帮助来访勇敢地面对和处理他们的挣扎和痛苦。
• 激励治疗：
  • 通过同情自我，来访可以更好地理解自己的感受和需求，增强内在动力，推动治疗进展。
• 日常应用：
  • 最终目标是加强同情版本的自我及其神经结构，使其成为来访日常生活的一部分，帮助他们更好地应对生活中的挑战。

CHAPTER 9 Cultivating the Compassionate Self Compassion work first and foremost involves facilitating a shift in perspective, or social mentality, so that our clients can approach their difficulties with flexible attention and reasoning, feelings of safe- ness, and the courageous motivation to approach and work helpfully with suffering. We want to help clients shift from a threat-­based perspective focused on avoiding or getting rid of feelings of threat or discomfort, and into an orientation centered on developing strengths to help them com- passionately engage and work with whatever arises—­in their lives, or in their minds. In CFT, we call this perspective the compassionate self.

THE COMPASSIONATE SELF In CFT, we’re less interested in teaching clients compassion techniques, and more focused on helping them cultivate compassionate lifestyles—­ways of being in the world defined by open, coura- geous hearts, flexible minds, and a repertoire of effective behaviors to draw upon. The compassionate self provides us with an organizing framework for the compassionate strengths we’ll help our clients develop—­a compassionate version of the self that we’ll continually be working to deepen and strengthen (Gilbert, 2009a; 2010). In this way, CFT isn’t about getting rid of unwanted experi- ences. It’s about cultivating this compassionate self that is wise, kind, confident, courageous, and committed to working with whatever life presents.

A Method-­Acting Approach After reading those inspiring bits above, you may find yourself thinking, Well, this is all well and good, but it seems awfully pie-­in-­the-­sky. My clients have lots of real problems. Their experience of life isn’t anything like that. Actually, my life doesn’t seem much like that, either. As you might imagine, this is very a common experience. For clients whose lives are dominated by one experience of threat after another, the idea of the compassionate self can seem impossibly distant—­so far from their lived experience as to seem ridiculous. This idea, that I am nothing like that, can be a primary obstacle, so we need to find a way to work with it. We work with this in CFT by taking a method-­acting approach to the development of the com- passionate self (Gilbert, 2010). Actors quite often have to portray characters that are entirely dif- ferent from how they experience themselves, with traits and characteristics that are nothing like their own. How do they manage this? They do it by imagining what it would be like to be this character: If I were this person, with these characteristics, how would I feel? What would I think? What would I be motivated to do? Just as different emotions and motives organize our attention, felt emotion, thinking and imagery, motivation, and behavior in very different ways, we can prompt clients to consider how their minds would be organized if they possessed a deep wealth of compassionate qualities: compassionate motivation, wisdom, confidence, commitment, and emotional courage. Rather than getting caught up in debating whether or not they have these strengths, we assist them in imagining what it would be like if they did possess them. Using imagery, we can assist clients in exploring how they would feel, understand, and interpret situations; how they would relate to their own emotions and various “emotional selves”; and what sorts of things they would be motivated to do from this compassionate perspective. In this way, we can help them develop these compassionate ways of reasoning, feeling, and behaving without getting caught up in thinking, I am nothing like this.

The Compassionate Self Practice Now that we’ve introduced the Compassionate Self practice, let’s explore how we might teach it to clients. We begin by orienting clients to the method-­acting approach, and then prompt them to imagine what it would be like to have various compassionate qualities. While we can vary the attributes featured in the exercise depending upon the needs of the client, we’ll often anchor the exercise to qualities of compassionate motivation (committed desire to be kind and helpful), wisdom and understanding, and emotional courage and confidence. In general, we want to begin with soothing rhythm breathing, then move to bodily experiences of warmth and strength, and then lead the client through a process of imagining what it would be like to have various compas- sionate mental qualities: Therapist: Jenny, now that we’ve committed ourselves to inviting that second teacher on board, I’d like to introduce the Compassionate Self practice. In this exercise, I’ll ask you to imagine what it would be like to have various compassionate qualities—­like a committed desire to help yourself and others, a deep wisdom to understand and work with difficulties, and the confidence and courage to face difficult situations and work with them. Before we begin, do you have any questions? Jenny: (looking skeptical) That sounds like a stretch. It doesn’t sound like me at all. Therapist: That’s the beauty of the exercise. We’re going to approach this exercise like we’re actors playing a movie role that may be completely different from how we think of ourselves. Instead of thinking about whether or not we’re actually like this, we’re going to imagine what it would be like if we did have these qualities—­what it would feel like, what we would understand, how we would think…that sort of thing. Would you be willing to try that? Jenny: Okay. I’ll give it a try. Therapist: So we’ll start in a familiar way. Let’s assume a comfortable, upright position, and take about thirty seconds to slow down our breathing. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Straightens, closes her eyes, and slows her breathing.) Therapist: Now, allowing the breath to return to a normal, comfortable rate. (Waits three to five seconds.) Now I’m going to ask you to imagine what it would be like to have different qualities. As I describe the qualities, try to imagine what it would be like if you had them—­what you would feel, think, and experience if you were a deeply compassionate person who had already succeeded in developing these qualities. If you struggle at imagining this, you might bring to mind someone you think has these qualities, and imagine how it might feel to be like that person. Give me a gentle nod when you’re ready to continue. Jenny: (Nods.) Therapist: First, imagine that your body feels calm, peaceful, and safe—­filled with warmth and strength. Allow a gentle smile to cross your face. (Waits thirty seconds)… • Imagine that along with this warmth and strength, you are filled with a kind, committed motivation to help those who are suffering—­yourself and others. Imagine that this kind wish to help fills you and builds within you, filling you with strength and purpose. Feel this deep wish to help. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Imagine that along with this committed motivation, you are filled with wisdom. Imagine that you are able to think flexibly, and to see things from different perspectives. Aware that difficult situations and emotions come and go, you are able to keep from being captured by these experiences, and can draw upon your life experience in working with them. Knowing that difficult experiences are just a part of life, you are able to keep from judging them or yourself, and can look deeply—­to understand where these feel- ings and experiences come from, how they make sense, and what would be helpful in working with them. Imagine being filled with this wisdom. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Imagine that with this kind motivation and wisdom, there arises a deeply felt sense of confidence. Feel this confidence filling you with courage. You’re filled with the willing- ness to engage with difficult feelings and situations. It’s a feeling of knowing that whatever arises, I can work with this, too. Feel this confidence and courage building within you, filling you with strength. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Sits quietly, with her eyes closed.) Therapist: Imagining being filled with these qualities—­kind, committed motivation to help; deep wisdom; confidence; and emotional courage. Notice what it feels like as these qualities build within you. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) • Focus on the feelings in your body—­calm, peaceful, and strong. Imagine how you would feel, and look, as this kind, wise, confident, compassionate being. (Waits twenty seconds.) • Imagine how you would experience the world as this deeply compassionate being—­ what you would understand. (Waits a few seconds.) What sort of feelings would you feel? (Waits a few seconds.) What sorts of thoughts would you think? (Waits a few seconds.) What would you be motivated to do? What would you do? (Waits one to two minutes.) Jenny: (Sits quietly, with her eyes closed.) Therapist: And when you’re ready, allowing your eyes to open, and returning to the room. See if you can carry a sense of wisdom, kindness, and confidence with you as we continue. Feel free to stretch a bit if you like. Jenny: (Slowly opens her eyes and stretches a bit.) Mmmm. I liked that. Therapist: (smiling gently) What did you like about it? Jenny: It was really peaceful, and it was nice to think about being like that. Just really comfortable. Therapist: What was it like to imagine feeling like a deeply compassionate person—­kind, wise, and confident? Jenny: It was hard at first, like I couldn’t really feel it. But I kept telling myself to just imagine what it would be like. Toward the end, I could sort of feel it. It felt different, at least. Therapist: That’s an important observation. It can be hard to feel it in the beginning—­so sometimes all we can do is to imagine what it might be like if we could feel it. If we focus on how we would see things from this compassionate perspective, it can help—­imagining the sorts of things we would think or understand if we had these characteristics. Jenny: It seemed to get easier as we went along. Jenny’s observation that it was initially hard to feel like the compassionate self is a common one. For many of our clients, this compassionate perspective is so different from their experience of daily life that it may take a while before the feelings show up. The key is to keep shifting into that compassionate perspective. It may help some clients to recall a time in which they really were com- passionate, in which they were motivated to help someone else, did so, and felt good about it. It can also be difficult to imagine having these characteristics in a vacuum—­it can feel vague to imagine being compassionate, kind, wise, or courageous without having a situation to reference. For this reason, it’s good to move fairly quickly from imagining having these compassionate characteristics to imagining how we might use them. Let’s consider a couple of ways we might do this.

Extending Compassion to the Vulnerable Self One way we can help clients strengthen their sense of the compassionate self while also learn- ing to apply compassion to themselves involves having them bring to mind a situation in which they were struggling, and prompting them to extend compassion to that struggling version of them- selves from the perspective of the current, compassionate self. In guiding such an exercise, the therapist prompts the client to empathize with, sympathize with, and honor this previous, strug- gling version of the self—­while imagining that she is extending compassion, encouragement, and understanding to that suffering self. Let’s explore what this might look like: Therapist: Jenny, now that we’ve gotten familiar with the compassionate self, I’d like to try one more exercise. These compassionate qualities can feel a bit vague if we just imagining having them—­to make it feel real, it can help to imagine applying them in a particular situation. This is an exercise we can use to bring compassion to a situation you’ve been struggling with. How does that sound? Jenny: Sounds good. Therapist: Excellent. Hopefully, the exercise will also help you develop some compassion for yourself when you’re struggling with the fear and anxiety we’ve been talking about. First, I’d like you to bring to mind a situation you’ve struggled with recently—­perhaps one in which you were really anxious, afraid, or self-­critical. Could you take a minute to bring up a situation like that and then tell me a bit about it? Jenny: (Sits quietly for a few moments.) As I was telling you last week, one of my teachers announced that we’d be doing a group project in my communications course. She split us up into groups and told us to meet to work on the project outside of class. I was just sitting there, terrified. We exchanged phone numbers and we’re supposed to be meeting sometime this week. I’m dreading it—­it makes me feel sick to think about. I don’t know if I can do it. Therapist: What’s the project like? Jenny: We’re supposed to do a group paper, and then give a presentation to the class. It’s on effective communication with diverse groups—­worth like one-­third of the points for the class. It’s an interesting topic, but I hate group projects. Therapist: Does it make sense that this project would trigger your anxiety? Jenny: Yep. It’s all the stuff I’m scared of, wrapped up into one convenient bundle. I’m dreading our first meeting. We’re supposed to split up duties and figure out who’s responsible for what… It’s hard for me to speak up, so I know they’re going to think I’m a slacker. Therapist: This sounds like a perfect situation for this exercise. Want to give it a shot? Jenny: Might as well. Therapist: Okay. Let’s start by assuming a comfortable, upright position, closing the eyes, and doing thirty seconds or so of soothing rhythm breathing. (Waits thirty seconds to one minute.) Jenny: (Closes her eyes and slows her breathing.) Therapist: Now, feeling sensations of calm, warmth, and strength filling your body, let’s bring to mind those qualities of the compassionate self. Allowing a kind smile to cross your lips, imagining what your body would feel like as this deeply compassionate person. (Waits fifteen to thirty seconds)… • Imagine being filled with a deeply felt sense of kindness—­a kind, committed desire to help yourself and all those who are suffering. Feel this kind commitment growing in you. (Waits thirty seconds.) • Imagine that with this kind motivation, you are filled with a deep wisdom and understanding—­able to think flexibly, see things from multiple perspectives, and figure out what to do. (Waits thirty seconds.) • Imagine that alongside this wisdom, you experience a powerful feeling of confidence and courage—­a deeply felt sense that whatever happens, I can work with this, too. It’s a sense of knowing—­knowing that you can help. (Waits thirty seconds.) Jenny: (Sits quietly.) Therapist: Now bring to mind that situation back in the classroom. You’ve been split up into groups. See that vulnerable, anxious version of you sitting there with this group of people, sharing her phone number. From this kind, wise, compassionate perspective, imagine looking in on that anxious version of you in that situation. See how she is feeling. Can you see how hard it is for her? Jenny: I can. She’s terrified. She doesn’t know if she’s going to be able to do it. Therapist: From this kind, wise, confident perspective, see if it’s possible for you to be touched by her suffering, to have compassion for this anxious version of you who only wants to get a good grade in the course. A long time ago, some classmates treated her terribly, and she learned to be really scared in situations like this. Can you understand why she would be so scared? Does it make sense that she would be terrified? Jenny: It does. It does make sense that she’d feel this way. She’s so scared that she’s going to be embarrassed, or humiliated. Therapist: It’s not her fault, is it? Jenny: No. It’s not. Therapist: Seeing how hard it is for her, is it possible for you to feel some warmth and compassion for her? To wish that you could somehow help her? How do you feel for her? Jenny: I feel bad for her, and I do wish that I could help her. It’s so hard for her. Therapist: That feeling you’re having—­being moved by her struggle—­that’s compassion. Feel this compassionate wish to help her. See how courageous she’s being, this anxious version of you, staying there even though she’s terrified. (Waits a few seconds.) Jenny: (Sits quietly with eyes closed.) Therapist: Imagine that this strong, compassionate version of you could be there with her. Imagine you’re there with her, and only she can see or hear you. Consider how you would be there for this struggling version of yourself—­how you might help her to feel safe, how you might encourage her. You know her better than anyone else, and you know what she would need. How would you help her? Jenny: I don’t think I’d say anything to her. I’d just sit there with her, maybe holding her hand. Just trying to help her feel safe. To let her know she’s okay, and that I’m here for her. Therapist: Imagine yourself sitting there with her, sending her kindness, understanding, and support. You understand what she’s going through—­you get how hard it is for her, and how hard she’s working just to be there. She’s so strong, facing these fears, but she doesn’t yet understand that. Allow yourself to feel good about being able to support her in this moment, and imagine her being filled with the kindness, support, and encouragement you’re sending out to her. Are you able to imagine that? Jenny: (Sits quietly with her eyes closed, slightly tearful but voice clear.) I am. Therapist: (Waits a bit.) Imagine her being able to receive this understanding and support from you. How might she feel? Jenny: (Pauses.) Better. Still scared, but better. Supported. She’s got someone on her side. Therapist: From this compassionate perspective, what would you want her to understand? Jenny: That she’s going to be okay. And that I’m there to help her. Therapist: (Pauses, smiling.) That’s beautiful, Jenny. Let’s take a few moments more, imagining being there with that anxious version of you, extending compassion and support to her. When clients are able to connect with it, the experience of imagining oneself extending com- passion to a struggling version of the self can be a powerful one. We want to help make the experi- ence a vivid one, having them imagine what they are feeling, doing, and experiencing in this scenario with as much detail as possible. Clients with deeply entrenched shame and self-­criticism may ini- tially struggle with such exercises. We can help them, gently suggesting ways they might support their struggling selves. For such clients, it may be more useful to have them begin by imagining a situation in which someone else—­someone they care about—­is struggling, and imagining extend- ing compassion to that person. Once their self-­criticism has been softened a bit through compas- sionate thinking exercises or other practices, we can have them return to extending compassion to themselves either through this practice or through compassionate chair work, which we’ll intro- duce a bit later. Some clients may find it nearly impossible to imagine having these qualities. Such clients may, however, be able to bring to mind someone they think does possess these traits, and imagine what it would be like to feel, think, and act from that person’s perspective. The key is for them to begin developing the ability to shift into a perspective that is organized by the experience of compassion rather than threat.

The Compassionate Self in Action Once the Compassionate Self practice has been introduced, we want to strengthen this com- passionate perspective by having clients shift into it as often and in as many different situations as possible. We can do this in session, both by beginning subsequent sessions with a brief Compassionate Self exercise and by pausing to shift into this perspective at different points in the session, particu- larly when it’s clear the client is caught up in the threat system. It’s important to note that in doing this, we aren’t shaping avoidance—­we shift our attention away from the threatening material or situation so that we can slow things down, shift into the perspective of the compassionate self, and then come back to work with the problematic situation or emotion. We’re shaping a process in which clients learn to mindfully notice when they’ve been captured by experiences of threat and use this awareness as a cue to work with their emotions, balance things out a bit, and come back to work with things from a compassionate perspective. The coming back is crucial—­otherwise, we’re just helping the client establish patterns of experiential avoidance, which isn’t at all helpful. We can also collaborate with clients to develop a plan for practicing outside of the session. It’s important that this practice is initially done when conditions are favorable (not when the client is completely overwhelmed by threatening emotions or situations). We can even work with clients to plan specific times when they can shift into the perspective of their compassionate selves—­ considering how they would feel, think, pay attention, and be motivated to behave from this per- spective. Before walking into a meeting at work or beginning a project, before picking up the kids from school, as we’re getting up in the morning or before going to bed at night—­the key is to identify times to practice shifting into the perspective of the compassionate self. With practice, this shift in perspective can be accomplished fairly quickly, perhaps by simply bringing to mind words like kind, wise, courageous, compassionate. We can then have clients apply this new perspective increas- ingly to challenging situations in their lives—­imagining how they might think, feel, pay attention, and be motivated to act from this compassionate perspective. In planning such home practice, we want to approach it as we would any outside-­of-­session practice: by considering potential obstacles and hedging our bets for success. It can be key to work collaboratively with clients to plan how to keep motivation high (starting small, initially planning for situations in which there’s a high likelihood of feeling successful) and to build in reminders so they don’t forget to practice. We can use behavioral techniques such as activity scheduling (Persons, Davidson, & Tomkins, 2000) to increase the likelihood that they’ll be able to follow through with the plan. Additionally, we want to communicate that it can initially be difficult to shift into this perspec- tive, and that they may find themselves resisting doing so for various reasons, including just not feeling like it. We want to emphasize that the point is simply to make the effort—­to try to imagine how you might feel, think, pay attention, and behave in this situation from the perspective of this kind, wise, courageous, compassionate self. We can even make “not wanting to do the home prac- tice” the situation that is targeted: “How would your kind, wise, confident, compassionate self understand your resistance to do this practice? What would she encourage you to do?” Home practice can be aided by the Threat Emotion Monitoring form—­a basic cognitive behavioral moni- toring form that includes prompts to consider the situation and one’s responses from the perspec- tive of the compassionate self. (This form is included in the appendix at the end of this book, and is also available online at http://www.newharbinger.com/33094.)

Compassionate Letter-Writing Particularly with clients who struggle with social anxiety or difficulty concentrating, in-­session practice applying the compassionate self can be challenging. They may find themselves feeling self-­ conscious or “on the spot,” with threat arousal getting in the way of being able to connect with (or verbalize) this compassionate perspective. Compassionate letter-­w riting can help clients learn to extend compassion to themselves in a context that allows them to avoid the potential performance demands of an in-­session exercise. It also provides as much time as they like to think about and craft a compassionate message to their vulnerable selves (Gilbert 2009a; 2010). Additionally, this exercise produces a product—­the compassionate letter—­that can be read again and again in those moments when the client needs compassionate support, encouragement, and coaching. Such a letter can be composed in session, but I find that having clients complete the letter at home often leads to a more powerful letter, as they can spend several days considering what to write, can take as much time as they need in writing it, and can even develop multiple letters to support themselves in different situations. Below, I’ve included a sample set of instruc- tions to send home with clients who will be composing a compassionate letter. (The instructions are also available for download at http://www.newharbinger.com/33094.)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMPASSIONATE LETTER-WRITING This exercise is designed to help us develop the compassionate self. We want to build and strengthen mental patterns that will help us find the courage to work with difficult experiences, to accept ourselves, and to build a sense of peace within ourselves that we can share with others. Learning to think and behave compassionately can sometimes be helped by writing a letter to our- selves. In this exercise, you’re going to write about difficulties, but from the perspective of your compassionate self. You can write a general letter to yourself, or you can tailor the letter to support yourself around a particularly challenging situation. • First, get out a pen and paper. You might even pick out a special journal or notebook. • Spend a few moments doing soothing rhythm breathing. Allow yourself to slow down and settle into your experience. • Now try to shift into the perspective of your compassionate self. Connect with your compassionate self, imagining yourself at your best—­your calmest, your wisest, your most caring, your most confident and courageous. Feel yourself filled with feelings of kindness, strength, and confidence. Imagine yourself as this compassionate person who is wise, understanding, and committed to helping. Imagine your manner, your tone of voice, and how you feel as this compassionate being. • When we are in a compassionate frame of mind, even slightly, we try to use our per- sonal life experiences wisely. We know that life can be hard. We can look deeply into the perspectives of ourselves and other people involved in difficult situations, and try to understand how it makes sense that they might feel and act this way. We offer strength and support, and try to be warm, nonjudgmental, and noncondemning. Take a few breaths and feel that wise, understanding, confident, compassionate part of you arise—­this is the part of you that will write the letter. • If thoughts of self-­doubt, like Am I doing it right? or I’m not really feeling it arise, note these thoughts as normal comments our minds make, and observe what you are experiencing as you write the best that you can. There is no right or wrong…you’re just practicing, working with your compassionate self. As you write, try to create as much emotional warmth and understanding as you can. • As you write your letter, try to allow yourself to understand and accept your distress. For example, you might start with, I am sad, and I feel distress. My distress is understandable because… • Note the reasons—­realize that your distress makes sense. Then continue… I would like myself to know that… • The idea is to communicate understanding, caring, and warmth while helping ourselves work on the things we need to address. When you have written your first few compassionate letters, go through them with an open mind and see whether they actually capture compassion for you. If they do, see if you can spot the following qualities in your letter: • It expresses concern, genuine caring, and encouragement. • It is sensitive to your distress and needs. • It helps you face your feelings and become more tolerant of them. • It helps you become more understanding of your feelings, difficulties, and dilemmas. • It is nonjudgmental and noncondemning, helping you to feel safe and accepted. • A genuine sense of warmth, understanding, and caring fills the letter. • It helps you think about behavior you may need to adopt in order to get better. • It reminds you why you are making efforts to improve. Let’s consider an example of a compassionate letter: Dear Josh, This has been a rough week and it makes sense that you’re having a hard time. You’ve been trying hard to work with your anger. It’s easy to feel upset with yourself when you don’t meet your standards. Remember that you didn’t choose to have a threat system that makes this anger, and it’s not your fault that you get angry. There’s nothing wrong with you—­it’s just your old brain trying to protect you. You learned to be angry by watching your father, and when you were bullied in school. That isn’t your fault, either. But you’re taking responsibility for becoming a better man, and that takes a lot of courage. I know this feels terrible and sometimes you want to give up, but you’re doing better and I know you can do it. Although you’re scared others will attack you like your dad and those kids at school did, things are really different now. He’s gone, and Maria loves you and has stayed with you even when things were really bad. Chloe and Aiden look up to you and you care a lot about being a good father to them. You’re making progress. You just need to keep going. This compassion stuff is helping you realize that being strong and being angry are two different things. You have what it takes to be a good man. You can do this. It will be hard, but you can do this. If you’re reading this, it’s probably because you’re having a really tough day. Maybe you did or said something that you’re beating yourself up for. Remember that these times will pass. You just have to keep going. Think of all the times when things seemed bad, but you made it through. Maybe go to the gym and let off some steam. You know exercise helps. Hang out with Nathan. Slow down your breath. Mostly, remember why you’re doing this. Remember your family, how much they love you, and how much you want to be there for them. You’re safe, and there’s nothing wrong with you. Sincerely, Josh We can have clients bring their compassionate letters to session and, if they feel comfortable, read them out loud. It can be a powerful experience for clients to hear themselves speaking com- passionately to their struggles in this way. Some clients may find themselves stumped, unable to generate such a letter. If the issue is one of motivation, better to not push the issue and instead use Socratic dialogue to explore the resistance—­again, we don’t want to set our clients up to resist extending compassion to themselves because we’re pushing it on them. On the other hand, sometimes it will be the case that clients simply don’t know how to address themselves in this compassionate way. In such cases, we can do a Compassionate Self exercise in session as described in the examples above, and then (with both therapist and client operating from the perspective of their compassionate selves), collaborate to write the compassionate letter—­with the therapist offering support, Socratic questions, and sug- gestions about how the client might relate to his struggles (and the struggling version of himself) in compassionate, supportive ways.

SUMMARY In CFT, Compassionate Self work isn’t just a technique. It can serve as a framework for integrating all of the other aspects of the therapy, and as a perspective from which our clients can learn to courageously approach and work with their struggles and suffering. Once this perspective has been established, it can be used as a reference point for problem solving (“What would your compassion- ate self think or do in this situation?”), for sympathy and empathy (“How would your compassion- ate self feel when she sees you struggling like this?” “What would your compassionate self understand about why you are feeling and behaving this way?”), and for motivating therapeutic work. Quite frequently, in developing a plan for home practice, I’ll ask clients, “What would your compassionate self want to make sure you do over the next week?” As we’ll see in coming chapters, establishing the perspective of the compassionate self also sets the stage for important work occurring within the therapy session, such as compassionate chair work and the Multiple Selves exercise. Ultimately, a primary goal of CFT is the strengthening of this compassionate version of the self and the neural architecture that underlies it, so that these compassionate ways of being and relating to self and others become woven into the fabric of our clients’ day-­to-­day lives.