第十二章 实践同情心：CFT中的椅子技巧

154C H A P T E R 12 Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT In helping clients work compassionately with difficult emotions, CFT seeks to make things as expe- riential as possible. A powerful way to accomplish this is through chair work, including empty-­ chair, two-­chair, and multiple-­chair exercises. Chair work brings an immediacy and intensity that allow clients to work compassionately with difficult emotions in real time. CFT draws heavily from the work of a pioneer of modern chair work, Leslie Greenberg, who along with his colleagues has placed chair work as a central component of emotion-focused therapy (EFT) and applied it extensively with self-­critical patients (Greenberg, Rice, & Elliot, 1993; Greenberg & Watson, 2006; Pos & Greenberg, 2012). A recent pilot study demonstrated the useful- ness of such chair work for increasing self-­compassion and self-­reassurance in self-­critical clients, in addition to decreasing self-­criticism and symptoms of anxiety and depression (Shahar et al., 2012). CHAIR WORK IN CFT CFT builds upon the EFT approach to chair work by emphasizing the role of the compassionate self. In CFT, the focus is on the continued development of the compassionate self and the applica- tion of this aspect of the self in working with difficult emotions and self-­criticism (Gilbert, 2010). In this chapter, I’ll present a few variations of how compassion-­focused chair work can be applied in therapy.CFT Made Simple Empty-­Chair Work When working with self-­critical clients who may have a hard time viewing their difficulties from a compassionate perspective, empty-­chair work can be a good way to start. Empty-­chair work can be brought into the therapy shortly after introducing the Compassionate Self practice as a way to help clients more deeply connect with this compassionate perspective, especially as it applies to themselves. In this practice, we bring in another chair, positioned across from the client’s chair. Beginning with a Compassionate Self exercise, we have the client imagine another person, perhaps someone the client cares about, sitting in the chair opposite him. We have him imagine that this person is presenting with a challenge that is very similar to the one the client has been experienc- ing, and around which he has criticized himself. We have the client imagine how he would feel about and interact with this beloved person from the kind, wise, confident perspective of the com- passionate self. Let’s consider how this exercise might look: Therapist: Josh, we’ve been talking about your struggles with anger, and how you feel a lot of shame around that. Josh: Yeah…it makes me feel like a piece of shit. This stuff has been helping, but sometimes I come home from work and I just want to have a good time with my wife and the kids. Then some small thing sets me off—­the kids whining about their homework or something—­and I find myself raising my voice to them instead. You can see them tense up, and they all look at me like I’m the problem. I see them walking on eggshells around me. It makes me sick. I’m trying to get my shit together, but I just keep doing it. I’m a terrible husband and father. Therapist: That sounds like it feels awful. Josh: Yeah, but it’s my own damn fault. Therapist: I’m wondering if you’d be willing to try an exercise that would help us bring some compassion to this situation. Something to strengthen that compassionate self we’ve been building up to help you work with your anger? Josh: I guess I’m willing to try anything at this point. Therapist: That’s the sort of courage that’s really going to help as we go through this process. This is going to be an “empty-­chair” exercise, so I’m going to move this chair right here opposite yours, okay? Josh: Okay… (somewhat dubiously) Therapist: (Smiles.) Trust me…there’s a reason for the chair. When I first learned about chair techniques, I thought it was a little weird, too. But I’m sold on it, now. Josh: 156 All right.Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT Therapist: Let’s begin with the Compassionate Self practice we introduced last session. We’ll start by doing some soothing rhythm breathing, focusing our attention on slowing down the body, slowing down the mind. Josh: (Straightens, closes his eyes, and slows his breathing.) Therapist: (Waits one minute or so.) Now let’s shift into the kind, wise, confident perspective of the compassionate self. Imagining that you’re filled with the kind wish to benefit others and yourself. (Waits thirty seconds.) Filled with a deep wisdom and the ability to see things from many perspectives. (Waits thirty seconds.) And a deep, courageous confidence, knowing that whatever arises, I can work with this, too. (Waits thirty seconds.) When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes, bringing this compassionate perspective with you into the room. Josh: (Waits a bit, then slowly opens his eyes.) Therapist: Josh, I’d like you to imagine that in this chair is someone you like and care about…maybe a good friend you enjoy hanging out with and would want to help. Do you have someone like that? Josh: Yeah. My buddy Nathan is like that. We hang out all the time, watching sports and things like that. We also talk a lot—­he’s about the only person I talk about this stuff with. Therapist: It’s great to hear that you have someone you can talk with. It sounds like you guys are pretty close. Josh: Nathan gets it. He’s like a brother. Therapist: Perfect. Josh, let’s imagine that Nathan is sitting here in this chair, and that he’s just been really vulnerable. He’s told you that he’s struggled with anger his whole life, that he’s worked really hard to control it but it seems like nothing works. He’s told you that despite his best efforts, he sometimes raises his voice to his wife and kids, and he knows they walk on eggshells around him. He’s even getting therapy to try and help with it, which was really difficult for him to do. He tells you he feels like a terrible husband and father. He’s really feeling ashamed. Josh: I think I see where you’re going with this… Therapist: I bet you do. But let’s see if we can go with it, shall we? If Nathan were here in this chair, and he had just told you all of this about his struggles with anger, how would you feel about him? Would you condemn him? Josh: Condemn him? No. I’d tell him I know what it is like. 157CFT Made Simple Therapist: Seeing him struggle with this anger, seeing how hard this is for him, what would you feel? Josh: I’d feel terrible for him. And I guess I’d look up to him for being so honest about it, and for getting help. That’s hard to do. Therapist: It sure is. From this place of compassion—­seeing his struggle and wanting to help—­what would you want him to understand? How might you reassure him? Josh: I’d want him to understand that he isn’t the only one…that I feel like that too, sometimes. I’d tell him some of what we’ve talked about—­that it isn’t his fault that he learned to get angry, and that he can learn things that will help. I’d tell him the fact that he’s concerned about what kind of husband and father he is probably means he’s a pretty good one, and that I know for sure he’s a damn good friend. And going to therapy—­that’s tough. Therapist: Josh, that’s wonderful. Your compassionate self has a lot to say to Nathan. How do you think he’d feel if he heard that? Josh: I think he’d feel better. I know I’ve felt better when he’s said that kind of stuff to me. Therapist: So he’s encouraged you like this in the past? Josh: Yeah. Like I said, he’s like a brother to me. Therapist: I’ve noticed that the things you would say to Nathan—­and the things he says to you—­are very different from the condemning way your self-­critic talks to you when you’ve struggled with anger. Which ways of talking seem to be more helpful—­the compassionate reassurance and encouragement, or the condemning self-­criticism? Which way of talking to yourself will help you shift out of the angry, threatened self and into the man you want to be? Josh: I think I get it. Beating myself up only makes it worse. Therapist: True. But we’re not just talking about refraining from beating yourself up. It’s about finding ways to compassionately reassure yourself and encourage yourself to do better—­to help yourself the way you would want to help someone you cared about, like Nathan. Or the way Nathan would help you. Do you think that would be more helpful than beating yourself up? Josh: It probably would. Therapist: When you’re home at the end of the day, just wanting things to go well, and one of the kids starts whining, you might even try to take a few breaths, slow things 158Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT down, and imagine what that compassionate version of you might do. Or even imagine what Nathan might say to help you keep from getting angry. Josh: I believe that might help. I think I’ll try that. This example is adapted from numerous sessions in which I’ve used chair work with clients who struggle with anger. It was very helpful that Josh was able to identify a good friend—­Nathan—­for whom it was easy for Josh to feel and direct compassion. It also helped that Josh and Nathan had a friendship in which they actually talked about things, so it was easier for Josh to connect with a compassionate, encouraging perspective around the anger. This isn’t always the case, particularly for people who struggle with anger (and perhaps even more so with men), so sometimes more work is required to set up the imagery of someone the client is likely to relate to in a compassionate versus condemning manner. This is one reason that I often like to do CFT for anger treatment in groups. In groups, we can create a shared camaraderie and compassionate understanding among members who know how hard it is, and can model the sort of compassionate understanding and encouragement to one another that Nathan modeled to Josh in the example above. Two-­Chair Work The hope is that by the time we get to chair work, previous layers of therapy (the therapeutic relationship, understandings about the evolved brain and social shaping of the self, Compassionate Self work) will have laid the groundwork for self-­compassion. If so, we can use two-­chair work to deepen the client’s experience of self-­compassion, bringing it directly into the present moment. There are different ways to set this up. First, we’ll explore putting the compassionate self in one chair, and the vulnerable self (anxious, depressed, angry, and so on) in the other, and facilitating a dialogue between them. In the second case, we can assist the client in working with self-­criticism by facilitating a dialogue between the compassionate self and the self-­critical self. In CFT, all of this work is focused on developing and strengthening the kind, wise, courageous perspective of the compassionate self so that clients can get better and better at applying these qualities in their lives. FACILITATING DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE COMPASSIONATE AND VULNERABLE SELVES In this practice, two chairs are set up, and the therapist assists the client in having a dialogue between a version of herself that represents the emotion with which she is struggling (such as anxiety, depression, or anger) and her wise, kind, confident compassionate self. Typically, we’ll have the client begin in the vulnerable chair, inviting that version of the self to speak its piece—­to really let the fear, sadness, or anger flow. Sometimes more than one of these emotions will show up for the client, in which case we can use the Multiple Selves exercise introduced in chapter 14. Once the threat-­based self has had its say, the client is prompted to shift into the compassionate chair, at which point the therapist guides her in shifting into the perspective of the compassionate 159CFT Made Simple self. From this perspective, the client then compassionately addresses the vulnerable self, offering validation, understanding, kindness, and encouragement (with guidance from the therapist if needed). Should the client find herself shifting out of the perspective of the compassionate self and back into threat-­based language, it’s no problem—­the therapist just prompts her to switch chairs until the vulnerable self has had her say. Let’s consider how this might look: Therapist: Jenny, we’ve been exploring how you can bring compassion to your fears with the Compassionate Self practice and things like the compassionate letter. It’s my sense that these have been helpful. Is that right? Jenny: They really have. It’s been nice to see things from that perspective. The letter has really helped—­I’ve read it a lot, and it’s helped encourage me to do things that I usually don’t. Therapist: That’s great. As we’ve discussed, a big part of working compassionately with anxiety is to help you to face your fears—­to be able to do things, even when you’re scared of them, so that you can learn that you can do it. Jenny: Yeah, I’ve been doing more of that. It seems to be helping, although it isn’t fun. Therapist: I would imagine not—­it’s tough to face the things that scare us, and you’re doing a great job. Today I’d like to introduce another practice we can use to deepen that work and bring compassion and encouragement to that anxious part of you. How does that sound? Jenny: I’d be up for that. Therapist: Great! This is a two-­chair exercise, so I’ll have you moving around a bit. (Gets up to set up two chairs facing one another in the middle of the room.) This chair is the “anxious chair.” (Gestures toward the chair.) We’ll put Anxious Jenny in this chair, and let her express all of her fears. Jenny: (Nods.) Okay. Therapist: (Gestures toward the other chair.) In this chair, we’ll put Compassionate Jenny, who’ll be listening to Anxious Jenny, feeling compassion for her, and offering her compassion, understanding, and encouragement. Does that make sense? Jenny: I think so. It seems a little weird, though. Therapist: Initially it can seem a little weird. No worries—­I’m here to facilitate things. I’ll give you prompts for what to think about and do, instructions on when to change chairs, and things like that. If you’re ready, how about you sit down over here in the anxious chair? 160Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT Jenny: Okay. (Moves to the anxious chair.) Therapist: In this chair, we’ll give Anxious Jenny the mic, so that we can really hear her perspective. You’ve got a lot of things you’re working on—­this group project, wanting to do more social activities, even to start dating. Does Anxious Jenny have much to say about that stuff? Jenny: She sure does. Therapist: Well, here’s her chance. Take a few minutes to allow yourself to feel the fears and anxiety about these things you want to do. Notice how the anxiety feels in your body. Imagine yourself working in the group project, going out with friends, going on dates. What fears or anxieties come up? Talk about how you’re feeling in real time. Jenny: (Closes her eyes for a bit, then opens them.) There are all these things I want to do, but I’m terrified of doing them. Therapist: What are you afraid of? Jenny: I’m afraid that I’ll put myself out there, and they’ll all hate me. I’ll say the wrong thing, and look stupid. I’m afraid that just when I start feeling comfortable, they’ll make fun of me, and reject me. (Becomes tearful.) Therapist: You’re doing great, Jenny. Let the fears come. Jenny: If they get to know me, really get to know me, they won’t like me. I’m not like them, and they’ll see that. (Cries openly.) It’ll be just like it was before. What’s wrong with me? Why won’t they like me? Therapist: (Leans in kindly; waits silently.) Does Anxious Jenny have anything more she needs to say? Jenny: (Dabs her tears and gently smiles.) No, I think that’s about it. Therapist: Think you’re ready to switch chairs? Jenny: I think so. (Gets up and switches chairs.) Therapist: Slowing down the breath. (Waits thirty seconds.) Bringing up the kind, wise, courageous perspective of the compassionate self. Once again, imagining yourself filled with these qualities: the kind wish to help yourself and others, the wisdom to see deeply from many perspectives, the courage to face the scary things. Imagine yourself filled with compassion. Jenny: (Closes her eyes and breathes slowly and quietly.) 161CFT Made Simple Therapist: When you’re ready, opening your eyes and looking at Anxious Jenny, sitting there, sharing her fears with us. She just wants to be accepted—­to participate, to have friends, to date. She’s doing her best, but she’s scared because of the things that have happened to her. From this compassionate perspective—­filled with kindness—how do you feel about her? Jenny: I feel terrible for her. It’s so hard for her. She just wants to fit in, wants people to like her. She’s so scared she’ll be hurt again. Therapist: It makes sense that she’d feel this way, doesn’t it? Jenny: It does make sense, after what happened to her. Therapist: From this compassionate perspective, I’d like you to talk with Jenny—­validate her, encourage her—­offering whatever might be helpful. Talk with Jenny like she’s sitting right there in this chair, right now. Jenny: (Pauses, thinking.) Jenny, you’ve been scared for a long time, and you’ve tried locking yourself away from the world so you don’t get hurt again. But what happened to you wasn’t your fault. (Pauses.) I don’t know why those girls did what they did, but it didn’t have anything to do with you. That was a long time ago. You’ve met lots of people since then who have been nice to you, and who like you. (Pauses.) Therapist: That’s great, Jenny. Can you encourage her? What do you want her to understand? Jenny: Jenny, it makes sense that you’re scared, but you’re working hard on this, and it’s paying off. The other members of your group like you. The girls on your floor invite you out with them, which means they probably like you. It’s time to start taking more chances. Therapist: Jenny, (gesturing toward the other chair) she’s afraid that if they really get to know her, they’ll reject her. What do you want her to know? Jenny: (Looks at the other chair.) You are a good person. You are kind, and you think of others before yourself. You do your best. (Pauses.) There’s nothing wrong with you. (Eyes redden.) Therapist: Jenny, could you say that again? Jenny: There’s nothing wrong with you. (Cries, smiling gently.) As we see above, the power of two-­chair work is its ability to translate the understandings of the compassionate self into felt experiential realizations. These can be powerful moments in therapy, 162Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT as clients learn what it means to really feel and express kindness and compassion toward them- selves. The therapist sets the stage for the interchange and uses Socratic dialogue to facilitate it, but creates space so that the dialogue comes directly from the client—­helping only as needed to aid the client in connecting with the emotional selves, and to connect with and express compassion. This work is a lot easier (and tends to go more smoothly) when the groundwork has been laid in the ways described in previous chapters. FACILITATING DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE COMPASSIONATE, VULNERABLE, AND SELF-­CRITICAL SELVES Another way to use two-­chair work is to help facilitate a dialogue between the compassionate self, the vulnerable self, and the self-­critic. This work is reminiscent of that seen in Emotion-­Focused Therapy, in which chair work is used to help the client come face-­to-­face with the self-­critic (Greenberg, Rice, & Elliot, 1993; Greenberg & Watson, 2006; Pos & Greenberg, 2012). As we dis- cussed above, the difference is that in CFT, a strong emphasis is on the development and applica- tion of the compassionate self in understanding, relating to, and soothing the vulnerable self and self-­critic. This can play out in different ways, depending upon the motivation of the internalized self-­ critic. We can get at this by asking Socratic questions like, “What does your self-­critic want?” “What is his motivation?” “What are you afraid might happen if your self-­critic stopped talking?” For some clients, self-­criticism plays a primarily behavioral function and is simply the learned strat- egy they use to motivate themselves. As we’ve seen with Jenny, it’s a tool that seems to work some- times, despite its drawbacks (You’re so pathetic. Everyone else can do this. Just get on with it!). In other clients, the self-­critic can be motivated by fear—­designed to keep them in line, shutting them down so that they don’t engage in behaviors that might be risky (You’re just going to screw this up. There’s no point in even trying.). For other clients, however, the self-­criticism is anchored in a deep sense of self-­loathing or self-­ hatred, often acquired through abusive experiences, trauma, or the experience of having done something that is antithetical to their values. In this case the critic can arise from the internalized voice of an abuser, or from a desire to harm and punish the self (Gilbert, 2010). It can be useful to have a sense of this beforehand, because it gets at the underlying motivation of the self-­critic—­to help, or to harm. For the client who uses self-­criticism to motivate herself, we can frame the dia- logue around the compassionate self acknowledging that the self-­critic is only trying to help, and stepping in to help by taking over the role of self-­motivator. Chair work can also help to explore the motivation behind the self-­critic, to identify whether it is an internalized voice of an abuser, and to build mindful awareness of the emotional impact of the self-­critical inner voice. The exercise can also help clients learn distress tolerance in the face of self-­criticism, as well as the ability to shift perspectives between the critical, vulnerable, and compassionate selves. Let’s consider a clinical example in which a number of the self-­critical dynamics mentioned above are manifested: 163CFT Made Simple Therapist: Josh, you did a great job with the chair exercise last week. When you imagined your friend Nathan struggling with anger, it seemed like you were able to connect with your compassionate self in understanding and relating to him. Josh: Yeah, that seemed to go pretty good. Therapist: It sounds like the compassionate way you related to Nathan in that exercise was very different from how you talk to yourself a lot of the time. Like last session when you called yourself “a terrible father.” It sounds like your internal self-­critic can get pretty loud sometimes. Josh: Yeah. I disgust myself. I keep trying to get my shit together, and it seems like it works for a while, and then I just fuck it up again. Therapist: Sounds like your self-­critic has a lot to say. Now that you’ve had some experience of how the wise, kind, compassionate version of you would relate to Nathan, I was wondering if we could do another chair exercise, in which we explore the different perspectives of self-­criticism and compassion in working with these feelings. Up for giving it a go? Josh: Sure. I don’t really know what you want me to do, though. Therapist: Well, let’s see if we can make that clear. I’m going to arrange these three chairs here. (Sets out three chairs in a triangle-­shaped pattern, with each chair pointed inward, toward the others.) This chair (pointing) will be for your self-­critic. Anytime you have anything critical to say about yourself, you can let it roll…as long as you’re sitting in this chair. This chair (pointing to the second chair) is for your vulnerable self—­the part of you that the critic is criticizing and attacking. This is the part of you that feels the effects of the criticism. Over here (pointing to the third chair) is for your compassionate self. This is the wise, kind, courageous part of you that wants to help both of these other parts of the self—­to help the criticized self feel safe and manage his emotions, and help calm the self-­critic so that he doesn’t have to be so attacking. That make sense so far? Josh: (looking a bit skeptical) I think so… Therapist: Great. How about you sit in this chair (pointing to vulnerable-­self chair), and tell me about a recent time when you struggled with anger? Josh: 164 Okay. (Moves to the chair.) Two nights ago I let the dog out in our backyard. My daughter Chloe and her friends had been playing outside, and had left the gate open. So the dog takes off through the open gate and starts running around the neighborhood. I was so pissed. I had to chase him down, and I was yelling at him as I carried him back in the house. When I got back in, I just dropped himEmbodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT and snapped at Chloe for not closing the gate. She and her mother just looked at me like I was a monster, and they both avoided me the rest of the night. Therapist: What was that like for you? Josh: I was just so angry when it happened—­at the dog, at Chloe. I looked like an idiot chasing the dog around the neighborhood. Why can’t she just close the damn gate, you know? But then I made it worse by yelling and snapping at her. I always make it worse. Therapist: It sounds like your self-­critic has something to say about this. Want to shift into this chair over here? (Points to the critic chair.) Josh: (Switches chairs.) Okay. Therapist: So in this chair, you can let the criticism roll. Looking back at this chair (gesturing toward the chair Josh just vacated), see that version of yourself…the one that got angry, chased after the dog, yelled, dropped the dog, and snapped at Chloe. The one you said always makes it worse. What does your self-­critic have to say to him? Imagine that you’re speaking directly to him, just like last week. Josh: You’re screwing everything up. (Looks at the therapist.) Like that? Therapist: (Nods, gesturing back toward the criticized-­self chair.) Just like that. Josh: (Looks back to the chair.) You’re an idiot. You’re a terrible father and husband. What the fuck is wrong with you, making a huge deal out of everything? If they had any sense, they’d leave you! Why do you always have to fuck everything up? You disgust me! (Shakes his head and looks down.) Therapist: (Waits in silence for thirty seconds or so.) Anything else? Josh: I think that about covers it. Therapist: So let’s shift back to this chair… (Gestures toward the vulnerable-­self chair.) Josh: (Switches chairs.) Therapist: Let yourself receive all those things the self-­critic had to say. (Gestures toward the self-­critic chair.) He called you a terrible father and husband, accused you of always fucking everything up… What’s it feel like to hear those things? Josh: (Shrinks into the chair and looks down.) It feels terrible. It feels like it’s true. I want to do better, but it seems like I just keep screwing things up. Therapist: Look at him. (Gestures toward the self-­critic chair.) How do you feel about him? 165CFT Made Simple Josh: I’m scared of him. He sounds just like my dad. I just want him to leave me alone. Therapist: So your father used to criticize you like that. Josh: All the time. I could never do anything right. Therapist: That sounds like compassionate wisdom to me—­figuring out where part of that self-­critical voice and maybe some of the anger you struggle with comes from. How about we give the compassionate chair a try? (Gestures toward the compassionate-­self chair.) Josh: All right. (Switches to the compassionate-­self chair.) Therapist: So let’s take a few moments to slow down our breathing, and connect with those qualities of the compassionate self. (Waits ten seconds.) Imagine being filled with the kind desire to help both of these guys (gesturing toward the two empty chairs) …the wisdom to look deeply and see things from different perspectives…and the courage to work with the really difficult stuff. Josh: (Sits quietly.) Therapist: From this wise, compassionate perspective, how can we understand these two guys? Let’s start with this one. (Gestures toward the vulnerable-­self chair.) He’s sitting there, feeling ashamed about what he’s done, hearing all this criticism. How does he feel? Josh: He feels terrible. Hopeless. He just wants to be left alone. Therapist: He feels like he’s always screwing up? Josh: Well, he is always screwing up. Therapist: That sounds like your self-­critic showing back up. Should we switch chairs? (Gestures toward the critic chair.) Josh: No, I’m good. Therapist: So looking at this guy (pointing back to the vulnerable self) from this kind, compassionate perspective, what do you understand about him? Is he trying to screw everything up? Is that what he wants? Josh: No. He’s not trying to screw it up. He feels terrible about it. He’s not doing it on purpose. Therapist: So his motivation is actually to do better, but it’s hard for him? Josh: 166 Yeah. He wants to do better, but he doesn’t know how.Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT Therapist: (Gestures toward the self-­critic chair.) What about him? What’s his story? Josh: He just wants that guy (gesturing toward the vulnerable-­self chair) to quit being such a fuck-­up. He’s just sick of it. Therapist: He’s pretty harsh… You said he sounds like your father used to sound? Josh: Yeah. That’s just the kind of thing my father used to say to me. Therapist: So we can understand how the self-­critic learned to be this way? Josh: Oh yeah… Therapist: So when your self-­critic attacks him (gesturing toward the criticized-­self chair), does it help? Does it help him do better? Josh: (Pauses for a moment.) No. It just makes him feel bad. Therapist: That sounds like compassionate understanding to me. It sounds like you understand how the self-­critic learned to be so harsh—­from your father—­but you know that the harshness isn’t helpful. What would you like to say to him, from this compassionate, understanding perspective? (Gestures toward the self-­critic.) Josh: (Turns toward the self-­critic chair.) Look, I get it. You’re tired of it. We’re all tired of it. But the attacking and running him down doesn’t help. It just makes you mad and makes it harder on him. (Gestures toward the criticized self.) You don’t want to be like Dad. (Hangs his head.) Therapist: Josh, you’re doing really well. That feels really vulnerable. How about switching back to that chair? (Points to the vulnerable-­self chair.) Josh: (Switches chairs.) Therapist: It sounds like part of you is really scared of ending up like your father. Josh: Yeah… I mean, he was a great man. But growing up, I was scared of him a lot of the time. He got so angry at every little thing. I’d just avoid him whenever I could. I don’t want my kids to feel that way about me. I don’t want them to learn that stuff from me the way I learned it from him. Therapist: How do you want them to feel about you, Josh? Josh: (tearful) I want them to love me, you know. And to know that I love them. But I keep fucking it up. I need to do better. Therapist: That’s why you’re here, isn’t it? Because you want to do better? You’ve been working hard at that, haven’t you? 167CFT Made Simple Josh: Yeah. I just wish it worked faster. Therapist: Josh, would you be willing to switch back to this chair? (Gestures toward the compassionate-­self chair.) Josh: Sure. (Moves.) Therapist: From this compassionate perspective, look at Josh here. (Gestures toward the vulnerable-­self chair.) He’s here in therapy, trying to learn to do better, to be a good model for the kids. It’s not easy for him, is it? Josh: No, it’s really hard. Therapist: How do you feel about him? Josh: I feel bad for him, you know? Therapist: Do you want to help him? Josh: I do. I mean, I would if I could. Therapist: Well, you’ve seen how hard he’s been working. Has he made any progress? Josh: I guess he has. A couple of times this week, I—­I mean, he—­started to get mad and then calmed down. I don’t know if anyone even noticed, but I did. It was one of those times when I would have gotten worked up, and I just breathed for a while instead. I’ve also been spending more fun time with the kids like we talked about. Therapist: So you’ve seen his efforts pay off a bit. But he’s sitting there, feeling hopeless and terrible about himself—­terrified that he’ll make his kids feel just like he felt about his father. What do you want to say to him? What do you want him to understand? (Gestures toward the vulnerable-­self chair.) Josh: (Looks at the chair.) You’re not Dad, at least not the bad parts. He never even saw it as a problem, and he sure as hell didn’t seem to care what we thought about it. You care, and you’re trying to do better. Therapist: How might you encourage him to keep going? Josh: You’re working hard, and it’s helping. Sure, you still screw up sometimes, but you can’t expect to be perfect. Therapist: That’s great…keep going…let him know you see what he’s doing right. Josh: 168 You did a good job calming down and making time to play soccer with the kids. They had a lot of fun. (Turns to the therapist.) It really was fun.Embodying Compassion: Chair Work in CFT Therapist: Sounds like it. Would your compassionate self recommend more of those sorts of activities with the kids? Josh: Sure would. Therapist: How about we finish up back in this chair? (Gestures toward the vulnerable-­self chair.) Josh: (Switches chairs.) Therapist: Let’s take a moment to let those things that Compassionate Josh had to say sink in—­noticing how hard you’re working to do better, the successes you’ve had, encouraging you to keep going. How does that feel? Josh: It feels good. A little weird. Therapist: A little weird… Josh: Yeah, I’ve just never talked to myself like that before. Therapist: But it feels good? Josh: Yeah…not so hopeless. Encouraging, I guess. Therapist: So which of those voices seems more helpful in terms of helping you manage the anger and improve relationships with your family? (Gestures toward the empty chairs.) Josh: That one. (Points to the compassionate-­self chair.) Therapist: It sounds like once you let yourself really listen to Compassionate Josh, your self-­critic didn’t have as much to say. Josh: No, he didn’t, did he? In the vignette above, we see a number of things happening. The therapist elicits a dialogue between the self-­critic and the vulnerable self, to get a sense of the dynamics of Josh’s self-­criticism. The critic appears to be at least partially an internalized voice of Josh’s father, who modeled a lot of anger. The critic also has a flavor of disgust, as well as perhaps the misguided intention to get Josh to do better by attacking him. Note that when the therapist has Josh switch chairs, it’s often quickly followed by a prompt to connect him with the affective dynamics of the interaction: “How do you feel about him?” “How does it feel to hear that?” Compassionate understanding is brought to both the perspective of the vulnerable self—­who is trying but still struggles—­and the perspec- tive of the critic, who is playing out an angry, critical script learned from childhood experiences. Finally, the compassionate self is prompted to extend understanding, kindness, and encourage- ment to the vulnerable self (with help and encouragement from the therapist), and then a contrast is drawn between the impact of this compassionate interaction and the previous, critical ones. You’ll note that we aren’t trying to argue with or conquer the self-­critic. Rather, the focus is on the 169CFT Made Simple facilitation of compassionate understanding. Space permits only a small sample of what this exer- cise can involve—­consider how you might have continued to facilitate things to help Josh learn more about his internal dialogue, shift among these perspectives, and relate compassionately to different aspects of the self. SUMMARY In this chapter, we explored the use of chair work to bring a strong experiential focus to the com- passionate self, and to explore and apply compassion to the dynamics of self-­criticism. The more we can translate compassion into felt experiences, thoughts, and behaviors in the present moment, the better. In the next chapter, we’ll explore the role of case formulation in organizing our understand- ing of our clients and their challenges.