第八章 坚守同理：对抗自我批判的策略

CHAPTER 8 Committing to Compassion: Working with Self-­Criticism Hopefully by now, much of the foundation for self-­compassion will have been laid, with self-­blame softening as clients recognize that many of their struggles were caused and shaped by unchosen factors, and as they get a taste of what it’s like to curiously observe their thoughts and emotions without judging them. From this point forward, we focus our attention solidly on helping clients cultivate compassion for themselves and for others, and applying that compassion in working with their difficulties.

For many clients, the idea of self-­compassion can be very foreign—­they may be able to connect with compassion for others, but have little ability or willingness to direct it toward themselves. Their internal self-­critic may be a constant companion, and may have become the primary way they attempt to motivate themselves in life. Such clients can have great reluctance around disempower- ing their self-­critic and directing compassion toward themselves. Some may fear that if this harsh but familiar voice is silenced, they will lose the ability to motivate themselves at all—­perhaps bring- ing about the life outcomes they most dread. They may also feel that they deserve this shame and self-­criticism, seeing self-­compassion as indulgent or inappropriate.

In the face of such resistance, we may be tempted to convince our clients of the merits of self-­ compassion by telling them how it is better than self-­criticism. While trying to sell clients on the virtues of self-­compassion might be helpful, in my experience, this can sometimes paradoxically set them up to defend the self-­critic. Instead, we can facilitate exploration on the part of clients, using Socratic dialogue and thought exercises to help them recognize compassion as a powerful way to motivate themselves—­in a way that doesn’t have the negative side effects of shame and self-­ criticism. Rather than argue whether or not they deserve criticism or compassion, we want to assist them in exploring what would be helpful as they work with their suffering, tackle the difficult aspects of their lives, and pursue their goals, dreams, and values.

SOCRATIC DIALOGUE When we have clients who are reluctant to let go of self-­criticism, it can be useful to explore their thinking around the function served by the criticism. We can use a rather standard “CFT move” in doing this, which involves asking the client a variant of “What would be the risk if you did      ? What are you afraid might happen if you did this?” Let’s consider how we might use this strategy with someone having an extensive history of self-­critical thinking: Therapist: Jenny, we’ve been working on developing compassion. A big part of this is learning to relate warmly to ourselves when we observe ourselves struggling. This can be a big shift if we’re used to criticizing and attacking ourselves. Some of us say harsh, critical things to ourselves that we’d never imagine saying to others. Jenny: I’m like that. For years, I’ve constantly run myself down. It’s so ridiculous. Everyone else can manage to do the things they need to without freaking out all of the time. What’s wrong with me? Therapist: So your internal self-­critic speaks up loudly and often, running you down when you’re having a hard time? Has it always been like this? Jenny: For a long time, it has. It’s like it’s always there. Since I was a kid, anyway. Therapist: So your self-­critic feels very familiar—­she’s been around for a very long time. We’re going to work with self-­critical thoughts in the way that we’ve worked with the anxious ones—­by noticing and paying a little less attention to that ­self-critical voice, and developing an encouraging, self-­compassionate voice. How does that sound? Jenny: (Looks a bit skeptical.) I don’t know about that. Therapist: (gently smiling) You don’t know about that? Jenny: It just doesn’t seem realistic, you know. Therapist: It sounds like there’s some reluctance there—­let’s explore that. Let’s imagine that you were able to stop listening to the voice of that internal self-­critic, or that she were just to give up and go away. Would you be reluctant to give that self-­criticism up? 108Committing to Compassion: Working with Self-­Criticism Jenny: (Pauses, thinking.) I think I might. I think it would be hard to give it up. Therapist: What would be the risk if you did give it up? What would you be worried might happen? Jenny: Sometimes I think it’s like, if I run myself down first, I’m making it so other people can’t hurt me. If I say those things to me first, when they say it, it won’t hurt as much. Therapist: Whereas if you allowed yourself to relax and feel safe and comfortable with yourself… Jenny: Then they could hurt me. Like when I was in school. I moved there, looking forward to meeting people, and they just came at me from out of the blue. Now, if someone were to say terrible things about me, it would be like, Of course. What else you got? I already know that. Therapist: That makes a lot of sense to me. It hurt so much when that happened. You want to make sure you don’t get blindsided again. Jenny: Yeah. Therapist: Are there any other reasons you might be reluctant to stop listening to the voice of that internal self-­critic? Any other things you fear might happen if you were to stop running yourself down? Jenny: I’m afraid I wouldn’t do anything. It’s really hard, but I manage to go to class and do the stuff I have to do, because I don’t want to be even more pathetic. I guess I’m afraid that if I didn’t have that self-­critic, I’d just hide out in my room and not do anything. It’s like this group project I told you about in my communications class. When the teacher first split us into groups, I thought about just sneaking out of the room—­like I was going to the bathroom—and then not come back. Therapist: And your internal self-­critic kept that from happening? Jenny: Yeah. I just thought, Jenny, stop being so stupid. You’re going to look like an idiot if you do this. Don’t be a loser. So I stayed. I hated it, but I stayed. Therapist: So you use self-­criticism as a way to motivate yourself, and you’re afraid you wouldn’t do anything if that critical voice were quieted? Jenny: Yeah. I’m afraid I’d just hole up in my room, and eventually flunk out of school and have to move back in with my parents, which would be awful. Therapist: It seems like we’ve learned some important things here, Jenny. It sounds like you feel your self-­critic serves two important functions: to protect you from being blindsided by attacks from other people, and to keep you going, doing the things you need to do. Does that sound right? Jenny: It does. Therapist: So it sounds to me that if we’re going to find a way for you to turn down the volume on the self-­critic, then we need to find other, more helpful ways for you to feel safe and motivate yourself. Would you be interested in exploring whether your compassionate self could do those jobs at least as well as the self-­critic? Jenny: I’d be up for trying. In the above vignette, the therapist uses Socratic dialogue to explore Jenny’s resistance around giving up self-­criticism, and in particular, identifying the functions she ascribes to self-­criticism that might lead her to be reluctant to give it up. It is often the case that clients will feel their self-­critic serves important functions in their lives—­f unctions that will need to be met in other, more adap- tive ways if clients are to commit themselves to developing more compassionate ways of relating to themselves. You might consider the ways you use self-­criticism in your own life, and what you might be afraid of losing if you were to give it up. Let’s explore a thought exercise that can help us try to build motivation around developing new, compassionate ways of relating to the self.

Two Teachers Vignette While many of us may use self-­criticism as an attempt to motivate, protect, or “keep ourselves in line,” clinging to the self-­critic for these purposes is based on a logical fallacy—­that self-­attacking is the only way to motivate ourselves, or perhaps the best way. Even if self-­shaming and self-­attacking do seem to serve some useful purposes, they do so at a great cost, keeping us stuck in the threat system (with narrowed attention and thinking, focused on threats) and diminishing our happiness. We want to help clients discover ways to encourage, motivate, support, and protect themselves that don’t have these drawbacks. As we’ve seen, one way to do this is through the development of self-­compassion—­the ability to be sensitive, validating, and encouraging in the face of one’s suffer- ing and struggle. In the beginning, we may need to help clients develop motivation to make this shift from self-­criticism to self-­compassion. One of my favorite methods for doing this is the “Two Teachers” vignette, an experiential exercise commonly used by CFT therapists (Gilbert, 2009a): Therapist: Josh, we’ve been talking about how you see your self-­critic as working to protect and motivate you, and I’ve suggested that we might be able to find other ways to do those things. Related to that, I’d like to do a brief imaginal exercise and then ask you some questions. Would that be all right? 110Committing to Compassion: Working with Self-­Criticism Josh: I guess. Therapist: I want you to imagine a child that you care very much about—­maybe it’s your child, maybe someone else’s—­but you care very deeply about him. This child is learning a very difficult task, maybe learning to do algebra for the first time, learning a musical instrument, or to play a challenging sport. Have you ever done any of that stuff? Josh: I play guitar. Therapist: Then you know that when you first begin playing, it’s really hard—­and you have to practice quite a lot before you get to sounding very good. Josh: You’ve got that right. Therapist: So I want you to imagine that in learning this task, the child could have one of two teachers. First, let’s imagine that he has a harsh, critical teacher, who tries to motivate him by running him down. Imagine how this teacher might interact with him: “No! … No! … Wrong again! … Can’t you get anything right? … Not like that, like this! … No! … No! … What’s wrong with you? Are you stupid? … No!” Josh: Sounds familiar. My dad used to talk to me like that all the time. Therapist: It’s no secret where you learned to criticize yourself, is it? Josh: (Nods pensively.) Therapist: Now, let’s imagine a second teacher this child could have. This teacher is compassionate, really wanting to help the child learn. He understands that this is a really difficult task, and that anyone would struggle with it, especially in the beginning. This teacher is wise, knowing that what he really needs to do is find ways to encourage this child to keep going—­knowing that the key to mastering this task is for the child to keep working at it, and that he’s more likely to do that if he enjoys the experience. Let’s imagine how this teacher might approach this child: “There you go… There you go… Nice! … Keep going… Not quite like that, like this… Yes, that’s right… You’re doing really well—­this is tough but you’re doing a great job keeping at it… There you go!” Josh: (Relaxes a bit; breathing softens.) Therapist: So now, a few questions. First, which of those teachers would you want this child you care so much about to have? Which would you hire to teach him guitar, the first or second? Josh: The second. Therapist: Me, too. Let’s look a bit deeper, though. Even if you didn’t particularly care about this child, which teacher do you think would do a better job at teaching him to do this difficult task? Josh: The second. Therapist: (Nods.) One last question. When you observe yourself struggling, which teacher does the voice in your head sound like? Josh: (Pauses; looks down.) You got me there. It’s the first. Every damn time. Therapist: (Pauses; leans in a bit in silence.) Josh: I think I get it. Therapist: (warmly) Yeah. (Pauses.) So we’ve got some big tasks to tackle together. Which of those teachers do you think we should hire to help us? It sounds like that critical teacher has had his chance. Would you be willing to give that compassionate teacher a try, to see if he might be able to help us out? Josh: (Nods consideringly.) Yeah. That’d probably be worth a try. Exercises like the one above allow us to introduce the idea and impact of compassion in a way that is experiential—­operating at both the explicit (thinking about the benefits of compassion) and implicit ( feeling the differential effects of criticism and compassion) levels. If it stays only at the thinking level, we may find little shift in the client, as these self-­critical habits may be very deeply ingrained. We want the client to feel the difference, to connect with the realization that compassion is a more powerful way to get his needs met and pursue his goals. In the vignette above, the therapist works to accomplish this not just by describing the two teachers as critical or compassionate, but by acting out what they would say from these perspectives (which also provides some modeling—­ giving the client a glimpse into what compassion might look like in this situation). We see in the vignette that Josh reacted nonverbally to these depictions. We also need to allow plenty of time for the client to process what is happening within him, leaving plenty of space after the vignette to get to the questions that prompt self-­reflection, so that the client has time to connect with certain realizations. You’ll note that the therapist also matched the gender of both teacher and child to that of the client—­setting up the realization that the client plays both of these roles in relation to himself. Some clients will respond in very different ways from how Josh did—­sometimes digging into the self-­criticism, saying things like, “Well, that would work better for the child, but not for me,” or “I had the harsh teacher growing up, and I learned to play.” Again, we don’t want to come straight at this resistance, setting ourselves up as a threat cue and positioning the client to defend his self-­ critic. Rather, we can explore with Socratic dialogue: “So for you, it feels like the criticism worked, and you’re really reluctant to give up that strategy?” or “It sounds like you’re reluctant to relate 112Committing to Compassion: Working with Self-­Criticism compassionately to yourself because you feel that you don’t deserve to be treated kindly and compas- sionately?” We can explore these ideas with the client and see if he might be willing to try an experiment to see if compassion might work as an alternative to self-­criticism. Like any practice or technique, this practice requires attention to nuance, and won’t work equally well for everyone. Combat veterans whose training involved lots of people who sounded just like that critical teacher may reply: “I’d want my kid to have the first teacher. That first teacher kept me alive.” Using Socratic dialogue, we could help such clients explore the differences between the combat environment—­an environment filled with physical threats—­and civilian life, consider- ing different strategies in terms of how they fit with the demands and concerns present in these different contexts.

SUMMARY In this chapter, we considered how we might help clients apply compassion in working with self-­ criticism. Identifying the self-­criticism, exploring reluctance to give it up, and prompting clients to consider compassion as an alternative can be important steps in helping them really commit to developing compassion for themselves. With clients who have well-­entrenched shame and self-­ critical habits, working with these tendencies requires patience and steadfastness, as they gradually become better at mindfully noticing the arising of shame and self-­criticism, acknowledging these tendencies, compassionately noting how it makes sense that they would experience them, and pur- posefully shifting into a more compassionate perspective. In the next chapter, we’ll explore what such a perspective looks like.