第八章 坚守同理：对抗自我批判的策略

第8章 承诺同情：

承诺同情：应对自我批评

希望到目前为止，大部分自我同情的基础已经奠定，随着来访认识到许多困扰是由不可选择的因素引起和塑造的，以及他们开始体验到以好奇而非评判的态度观察自己的思想和情绪，自我谴责已经有所缓和。从这一点开始，我们将坚定地关注帮助来访培养对自己和他人的同情，并将这种同情应用于处理他们的困难。

对许多来访来说，自我同情的概念可能非常陌生——他们可能能够与对他人的同情产生共鸣，但很少有能力或意愿将其指向自己。他们的内在自我批评者可能是一个常伴左右的存在，并已成为他们生活中激励自己的主要方式。这样的来访可能非常不愿意削弱他们的自我批评者并将同情导向自己。有些人可能担心，如果这个严厉但熟悉的声音被沉默，他们将完全失去自我激励的能力——这可能导致他们最害怕的生活结果。他们还可能觉得自己应得这种羞耻和自我批评，认为自我同情是纵容或不合适的。

面对这种抵抗，我们可能会试图说服来访自我同情比自我批评更好。虽然尝试说服来访自我同情的优点可能有帮助，但根据我的经验，这有时会适得其反，反而让他们更加捍卫自我批评者。相反，我们可以引导来访进行探索，使用苏格拉底式的对话和思维练习，帮助他们认识到同情是一种强大的激励方式——而且不会带来羞耻和自我批评的负面影响。与其争论他们是否应得批评或同情，我们更希望协助他们探索在处理痛苦、应对生活中的困难方面以及追求目标、梦想和价值观时，什么是有帮助的。

苏格拉底式对话

当来访不愿意放弃自我批评时，探索他们对批评功能的看法是有用的。我们可以采用一种标准的“CFT策略”，即问来访：“如果你做了……会有什么风险？你害怕会发生什么？” 让我们考虑如何用这种方法与一个有长期自我批评历史的人进行对话： 治疗师：珍妮，我们一直在培养同情。其中很大一部分是学会在观察到自己挣扎时温暖地对待自己。这是一个很大的转变，尤其是如果我们习惯于批评和攻击自己。我们中的一些人对自己说的严厉、批判的话，是我们在任何情况下都不会对别人说的。 珍妮： 我就是这样。多年来，我一直不断地贬低自己。真是太荒谬了。其他人都能管理好自己需要做的事情，而不会总是惊慌失措。我到底怎么了？ 治疗师：所以你的内在自我批评者经常大声地批评你，当你遇到困难时更是如此？一直都是这样吗？ 珍妮： 很长时间都是这样。它就像一直都在那里。至少从我还是个孩子的时候起。 治疗师：所以你的自我批评者非常熟悉——她已经存在了很长时间。我们将以处理焦虑的方式处理自我批评的想法——通过注意到并稍微少关注那个自我批评的声音，发展一个鼓励的、自我同情的声音。你觉得怎么样？ 珍妮： （看起来有点怀疑。）我不知道。 治疗师：（温和地微笑）你不知道？ 珍妮： 这看起来不太现实，你知道的。 治疗师：听起来你有些犹豫——让我们来探讨一下。假设你能停止听那个内在自我批评者的声音，或者她干脆放弃了。你会不愿意放弃这种自我批评吗？ 珍妮： （停顿，思考。）我想我会。我觉得很难放弃。 治疗师：如果你放弃了会有什么风险？你会担心发生什么？ 珍妮： 有时候我觉得，如果我先贬低自己，其他人就无法伤害我。如果我先对自己说那些话，当他们说时就不会那么痛了。 治疗师：而如果你允许自己放松，感到安全和舒适…… 珍妮： 他们就能伤害我。就像在学校的时候。我搬到那里，期待着认识新朋友，但他们突然就攻击我。 现在，如果有人对我说可怕的话，我会觉得，当然了，还有什么？我已经知道了。 治疗师：我理解。当时那真的很痛。你不想再被突然袭击。 珍妮： 是的。 治疗师：还有其他原因让你不愿意停止听那个内在自我批评者的声音吗？如果不再贬低自己，你还担心会发生什么？ 珍妮： 我害怕自己什么都不做。虽然很难，但我还是能去上课，做我必须做的事，因为我不想变得更可怜。我想如果我没有那个自我批评者，我只会躲在房间里，什么都不做。就像我告诉你的那个沟通课的小组项目。当老师第一次把我们分成组时，我考虑偷偷溜出房间——假装去洗手间——然后不再回来。 治疗师：你的内在自我批评者阻止了这件事的发生？ 珍妮： 是的。我只是想，珍妮，别这么蠢。如果你这么做，你会看起来像个白痴。别当个输家。所以我留了下来。我很讨厌，但我留了下来。 治疗师：所以你用自我批评作为一种激励自己的方式，你害怕如果没有那个批评的声音，你就什么都不会做？ 珍妮： 是的。我害怕我会躲在房间里，最终退学，不得不搬回父母家，那会很糟糕。 治疗师：看来我们在这里学到了一些重要的东西，珍妮。听起来你的自我批评者有两个重要的功能：保护你不被他人的攻击突然袭击，以及让你继续前进，做你需要做的事情。对吗？ 珍妮： 对。 治疗师：所以，如果我们要找到一种方法来降低自我批评者的音量，我们就需要找到其他更有帮助的方式来让你感到安全并激励自己。你有兴趣探索一下你的同情心是否能至少像自我批评者那样做好这些工作吗？ 珍妮： 我愿意试试。 在上述场景中，治疗师使用苏格拉底式对话来探索珍妮不愿意放弃自我批评的原因，特别是她赋予自我批评的功能，这些功能可能导致她不愿放弃自我批评。通常情况下，来访会认为他们的自我批评者在他们的生活中发挥着重要作用——这些作用需要通过其他更适应的方式得到满足，如果来访要致力于培养更同情的方式来对待自己。你可以考虑自己在生活中使用自我批评的方式，以及如果你放弃它，你可能会失去什么。让我们探讨一个思维练习，帮助我们尝试建立发展新的、同情的方式来对待自己的动机。

虽然我们中的许多人可能会使用自我批评来尝试激励、保护或“约束自己”，但为了这些目的而坚持自我批评是基于一个逻辑谬误——即自我攻击是唯一或最好的激励自己的方式。即使自我羞辱和自我攻击似乎确实有一些有用的目的，它们这样做也会付出巨大的代价，使我们陷入威胁系统（注意力和思维狭窄，专注于威胁）并减少我们的幸福感。我们希望帮助来访发现鼓励、激励、支持和保护自己的方法，这些方法没有这些缺点。正如我们所见，实现这一目标的一种方法是通过培养自我同情——在面对自己的痛苦和挣扎时能够敏感、验证和支持的能力。起初，我们可能需要帮助来访建立从自我批评转向自我同情的动力。我最喜欢的方法之一是“两位教师”的插曲，这是一种由CFT治疗师常用的经验练习（Gilbert, 2009a）： 治疗师：乔什，我们一直在讨论你如何看待你的自我批评是为了保护和激励你，我建议我们可能能够找到其他方式来做这些事情。与此相关，我想做一个简短的想象练习，然后问你一些问题。可以吗？ 乔什： 我想可以。 治疗师：想象一个你非常关心的孩子——可能是你的孩子，也可能是别人的孩子——但你非常深地关心他。这个孩子正在学习一项非常困难的任务，比如第一次学习代数，学习一种乐器，或者玩一项具有挑战性的运动。你有没有做过类似的事情？ 乔什： 我会弹吉他。 治疗师：那么你知道当你刚开始弹奏时，它真的很难——而且你必须练习很多才能听起来很好。 乔什： 没错。 治疗师：所以，让我们想象这个孩子在学习这项任务时可以有一位老师。首先，让我们想象他有一个严厉的、挑剔的老师，试图通过贬低他来激励他。想象一下这位老师会如何与他互动：“不！... 不！... 又错了！... 你怎么什么都做不好？... 不是这样，是这样！... 不！... 不！... 你怎么了？你是傻瓜吗？... 不！” 乔什： 听起来很熟悉。我爸爸以前总是这样对我说。 治疗师：你从哪里学会批评自己的，这显然不是秘密，对吧？ 乔什： （若有所思地点点头。） 治疗师：现在，让我们想象这个孩子可以有的第二位老师。这位老师富有同情心，真心想要帮助孩子学习。他理解这是一项非常困难的任务，任何人都会为之挣扎，尤其是在开始的时候。这位老师智慧地知道他真正需要做的是找到方法来鼓励这个孩子继续前进——知道掌握这项任务的关键在于孩子要持续努力，而如果他喜欢这个过程，他就更有可能这样做。让我们想象这位老师会如何接近这个孩子：“就是这样…就是这样…好！... 继续…不是那样，是这样… 是的，没错… 你做得非常好——这很难，但你一直坚持着，做得很好… 就是这样！” 乔什： （放松了一些；呼吸变得柔和。） 治疗师：现在，有几个问题。首先，你会希望这个你如此关心的孩子拥有哪一位老师？你会雇用哪一位老师来教他吉他，第一位还是第二位？ 乔什： 第二位。 治疗师：我也是。不过，让我们深入一点。即使你不太关心这个孩子，你认为哪一位老师在教他完成这项困难任务方面会做得更好？ 乔什： 第二位。 治疗师：（点头。）最后一个问题是，当你观察到自己在挣扎时，你脑海中的声音听起来像哪一位老师？ 乔什： （停顿；低头。）你说到点子上了。是第一位。每次都是。 治疗师：（停顿；稍微前倾，沉默了一会儿。） 乔什： 我想我明白了。 治疗师：（温和地）嗯。（停顿。）所以我们有一些重要的任务要一起解决。你认为我们应该雇用哪一位老师来帮助我们？听起来那位挑剔的老师已经有过机会了。你愿意试试那个有同情心的老师，看看他是否能帮到我们吗？ 乔什： （若有所思地点头。）好的。值得一试。 像上面这样的练习让我们以一种体验的方式介绍同情的概念及其影响——既在显性层面（思考同情的好处）又在隐性层面（感受批评与同情的不同效果）。如果只停留在思考层面，我们可能会发现来访的变化不大，因为这些自我批评的习惯可能根深蒂固。我们希望来访能感受到这种差异，与意识到同情是一种更强大的满足需求和追求目标的方式联系起来。在上述插曲中，治疗师不仅描述了两位老师是批评的还是有同情心的，而且还从这两个角度演绎了他们会说些什么（这也提供了一些示范——让来访一窥在这种情况下同情可能是什么样子）。我们看到，乔什对这些描绘做出了非言语反应。我们也需要给来访充足的时间来处理内心发生的事情，在插曲之后留出大量空间，以便提出引发自我反思的问题，使来访有时间与某些认识联系起来。你注意到治疗师还将老师和孩子的性别匹配为来访——设置了一种认识，即来访对自己扮演了这两种角色。 有些来访可能会以与乔什完全不同的方式回应——有时会深入自我批评，说这样的话：“好吧，这对孩子来说可能更有效，但对我来说不行。”或者“我小时候有个严厉的老师，我学会了弹奏。”再次，我们不想直接对抗这种抵抗，将自己置于威胁信号的位置，并使来访处于捍卫其自我批评的地位。相反，我们可以用苏格拉底式对话探索这一点：“对你来说，感觉像是批评起作用了，你非常不愿意放弃这种策略？”或者“听起来你不愿意同情地对待自己，因为你觉得自己不配被善良和同情地对待？”我们可以与来访探讨这些想法，看看他是否愿意尝试一个实验，看看同情是否可以作为自我批评的替代方案。 像任何实践或技术一样，这种实践需要关注细微差别，并不会对每个人都同样有效。对于那些训练中有很多人听起来就像那个挑剔老师的退伍军人来说，他们可能会回答：“我希望我的孩子有第一位老师。第一位老师让我活了下来。”通过苏格拉底式对话，我们可以帮助这些来访探索战斗环境——一个充满物理威胁的环境——与平民生活之间的差异，考虑不同策略如何适应这些不同背景下的需求和关切。

两位老师的寓言 虽然很多人会用自我批评来激励自己、保护自己或“保持自律”，但为了这些目的而依赖自我批评实际上是一个逻辑错误——认为自我攻击是激励自己的唯一或最佳途径。即便自我谴责和自我羞愧看起来确实能起到某些作用，但它们带来的负面影响很大，使个体陷入一种威胁模式（注意力和思考范围变窄，专注于潜在的威胁），减少了幸福感。我们希望帮助来访找到既能鼓励、激励、支持又能保护自己的方法，这些方法不会带来上述的负面影响。正如前面提到的，实现这一目标的一个方法是通过培养自我同情——即在面对个人痛苦和挑战时，能够展现出敏感、认可和支持的能力。在最开始，我们可能需要帮助来访建立从自我批评转向自我同情的动力。我最喜欢的方法之一就是“两位老师的寓言”，这是一种由CFT治疗师常用的体验性练习（Gilbert, 2009a）。 在这段对话中，治疗师与乔什探讨了他如何看待自我批评的作用，以及是否有其他更好的方法来达到相同的目标。通过一个简短的想象练习，治疗师让乔什设想一个他非常关心的孩子正在学习一项非常困难的任务，例如首次学习代数、学习一种乐器或参加一项具有挑战性的体育活动。接着，治疗师详细描述了两位截然不同的老师：一位是严厉批评型，另一位则是富有同情心和支持型。通过对比这两种教学风格，治疗师引导乔什认识到，尽管严厉的批评可能在短期内看似有效，但从长远来看，同情和支持的方式更能促进个人的成长和发展。最终，乔什同意尝试用更同情的态度对待自己，以检验这种方法是否有效。

本章知识点阐述

知识点阐述

承诺同情：应对自我批评

在心理咨询中，自我同情是一个重要的概念，特别是在帮助来访应对自我批评时。自我批评往往是来访内心深处的一种防御机制，用于保护自己免受外界的伤害或激励自己行动。然而，这种自我批评往往会带来负面的影响，如自我怀疑、焦虑和抑郁。因此，帮助来访发展自我同情是非常重要的。

来访的抵抗

许多来访在面对自我同情时会表现出抵抗，因为他们认为自我批评是必要的。这种抵抗可能源于以下几个方面：

1. 保护机制：来访可能认为自我批评可以保护他们免受外界的攻击。例如，如果他们先贬低自己，当别人批评他们时，他们就不会那么受伤。
2. 激励机制：来访可能认为自我批评是激励自己行动的主要方式。例如，如果他们不批评自己，他们可能会变得懒散，无法完成任务。
3. 应得感：来访可能认为自己应得这种羞耻和自我批评，认为自我同情是纵容或不合适的。

应对抵抗的方法

为了帮助来访克服这种抵抗，治疗师可以采取以下几种方法：

1. 苏格拉底式对话：通过提问引导来访探索自我批评的功能，帮助他们认识到自我批评的负面影响，并探索更健康的替代方案。
2. 认知重构：帮助来访重新评估自我批评的合理性和有效性，引导他们发现自我同情的积极影响。
3. 情感支持：提供情感支持，帮助来访建立安全感，减少对自我批评的依赖。
4. 行为实验：鼓励来访尝试自我同情的方法，通过实际体验来验证其效果。

苏格拉底式对话的应用

在上述对话中，治疗师使用苏格拉底式对话来帮助珍妮探索她的自我批评功能。通过提问，治疗师引导珍妮认识到自我批评的两个主要功能：保护自己免受外界攻击和激励自己行动。接着，治疗师提出寻找其他更有帮助的方式来实现这些功能，如发展自我同情。这种方法不仅帮助来访认识到自我批评的负面影响，还为他们提供了新的、更健康的选择。

发展自我同情

自我同情是一种强大的工具，可以帮助来访更好地应对生活中的困难。通过发展自我同情，来访可以：

1. 减少自我批评：学会以更友善和理解的态度对待自己，减少自我批评带来的负面影响。
2. 提高自我效能：通过自我同情，来访可以更好地激励自己，提高自我效能感。
3. 增强情感韧性：自我同情可以帮助来访更好地应对挫折和困难，增强情感韧性。

总之，帮助来访发展自我同情是一个渐进的过程，需要治疗师的耐心和技巧。通过探索自我批评的功能，引导来访认识到自我同情的优势，并提供具体的练习和方法，治疗师可以有效地帮助来访建立更健康的自我关系。

进一步阐述知识点

本段文字主要讨论了如何通过心理治疗帮助个体克服自我批评，转而采用自我同情的方式。自我批评通常被认为是一种自我激励的方式，但实际上，它往往会导致个体陷入消极情绪，限制了个人的发展潜力。相比之下，自我同情则是一种更为健康的心态，它鼓励个体在面对困难和挑战时，以更加积极和支持的态度对待自己。通过“两位老师的寓言”这一练习，治疗师不仅帮助来访认识到自我同情的重要性，还通过实际体验的方式，让来访感受到同情与批评的不同效果。这种体验式的教学方法有助于来访在情感层面上接受自我同情的理念，从而更有效地将其应用于日常生活中，促进个人的心理健康和个人成长。

CHAPTER 8 Committing to Compassion: Working with Self-­Criticism Hopefully by now, much of the foundation for self-­compassion will have been laid, with self-­blame softening as clients recognize that many of their struggles were caused and shaped by unchosen factors, and as they get a taste of what it’s like to curiously observe their thoughts and emotions without judging them. From this point forward, we focus our attention solidly on helping clients cultivate compassion for themselves and for others, and applying that compassion in working with their difficulties.

For many clients, the idea of self-­compassion can be very foreign—­they may be able to connect with compassion for others, but have little ability or willingness to direct it toward themselves. Their internal self-­critic may be a constant companion, and may have become the primary way they attempt to motivate themselves in life. Such clients can have great reluctance around disempower- ing their self-­critic and directing compassion toward themselves. Some may fear that if this harsh but familiar voice is silenced, they will lose the ability to motivate themselves at all—­perhaps bring- ing about the life outcomes they most dread. They may also feel that they deserve this shame and self-­criticism, seeing self-­compassion as indulgent or inappropriate.

In the face of such resistance, we may be tempted to convince our clients of the merits of self-­ compassion by telling them how it is better than self-­criticism. While trying to sell clients on the virtues of self-­compassion might be helpful, in my experience, this can sometimes paradoxically set them up to defend the self-­critic. Instead, we can facilitate exploration on the part of clients, using Socratic dialogue and thought exercises to help them recognize compassion as a powerful way to motivate themselves—­in a way that doesn’t have the negative side effects of shame and self-­ criticism. Rather than argue whether or not they deserve criticism or compassion, we want to assist them in exploring what would be helpful as they work with their suffering, tackle the difficult aspects of their lives, and pursue their goals, dreams, and values.

SOCRATIC DIALOGUE When we have clients who are reluctant to let go of self-­criticism, it can be useful to explore their thinking around the function served by the criticism. We can use a rather standard “CFT move” in doing this, which involves asking the client a variant of “What would be the risk if you did      ? What are you afraid might happen if you did this?” Let’s consider how we might use this strategy with someone having an extensive history of self-­critical thinking: Therapist: Jenny, we’ve been working on developing compassion. A big part of this is learning to relate warmly to ourselves when we observe ourselves struggling. This can be a big shift if we’re used to criticizing and attacking ourselves. Some of us say harsh, critical things to ourselves that we’d never imagine saying to others. Jenny: I’m like that. For years, I’ve constantly run myself down. It’s so ridiculous. Everyone else can manage to do the things they need to without freaking out all of the time. What’s wrong with me? Therapist: So your internal self-­critic speaks up loudly and often, running you down when you’re having a hard time? Has it always been like this? Jenny: For a long time, it has. It’s like it’s always there. Since I was a kid, anyway. Therapist: So your self-­critic feels very familiar—­she’s been around for a very long time. We’re going to work with self-­critical thoughts in the way that we’ve worked with the anxious ones—­by noticing and paying a little less attention to that ­self-critical voice, and developing an encouraging, self-­compassionate voice. How does that sound? Jenny: (Looks a bit skeptical.) I don’t know about that. Therapist: (gently smiling) You don’t know about that? Jenny: It just doesn’t seem realistic, you know. Therapist: It sounds like there’s some reluctance there—­let’s explore that. Let’s imagine that you were able to stop listening to the voice of that internal self-­critic, or that she were just to give up and go away. Would you be reluctant to give that self-­criticism up? Jenny: (Pauses, thinking.) I think I might. I think it would be hard to give it up. Therapist: What would be the risk if you did give it up? What would you be worried might happen? Jenny: Sometimes I think it’s like, if I run myself down first, I’m making it so other people can’t hurt me. If I say those things to me first, when they say it, it won’t hurt as much. Therapist: Whereas if you allowed yourself to relax and feel safe and comfortable with yourself… Jenny: Then they could hurt me. Like when I was in school. I moved there, looking forward to meeting people, and they just came at me from out of the blue. Now, if someone were to say terrible things about me, it would be like, Of course. What else you got? I already know that. Therapist: That makes a lot of sense to me. It hurt so much when that happened. You want to make sure you don’t get blindsided again. Jenny: Yeah. Therapist: Are there any other reasons you might be reluctant to stop listening to the voice of that internal self-­critic? Any other things you fear might happen if you were to stop running yourself down? Jenny: I’m afraid I wouldn’t do anything. It’s really hard, but I manage to go to class and do the stuff I have to do, because I don’t want to be even more pathetic. I guess I’m afraid that if I didn’t have that self-­critic, I’d just hide out in my room and not do anything. It’s like this group project I told you about in my communications class. When the teacher first split us into groups, I thought about just sneaking out of the room—­like I was going to the bathroom—and then not come back. Therapist: And your internal self-­critic kept that from happening? Jenny: Yeah. I just thought, Jenny, stop being so stupid. You’re going to look like an idiot if you do this. Don’t be a loser. So I stayed. I hated it, but I stayed. Therapist: So you use self-­criticism as a way to motivate yourself, and you’re afraid you wouldn’t do anything if that critical voice were quieted? Jenny: Yeah. I’m afraid I’d just hole up in my room, and eventually flunk out of school and have to move back in with my parents, which would be awful. Therapist: It seems like we’ve learned some important things here, Jenny. It sounds like you feel your self-­critic serves two important functions: to protect you from being blindsided by attacks from other people, and to keep you going, doing the things you need to do. Does that sound right? Jenny: It does. Therapist: So it sounds to me that if we’re going to find a way for you to turn down the volume on the self-­critic, then we need to find other, more helpful ways for you to feel safe and motivate yourself. Would you be interested in exploring whether your compassionate self could do those jobs at least as well as the self-­critic? Jenny: I’d be up for trying. In the above vignette, the therapist uses Socratic dialogue to explore Jenny’s resistance around giving up self-­criticism, and in particular, identifying the functions she ascribes to self-­criticism that might lead her to be reluctant to give it up. It is often the case that clients will feel their self-­critic serves important functions in their lives—­f unctions that will need to be met in other, more adap- tive ways if clients are to commit themselves to developing more compassionate ways of relating to themselves. You might consider the ways you use self-­criticism in your own life, and what you might be afraid of losing if you were to give it up. Let’s explore a thought exercise that can help us try to build motivation around developing new, compassionate ways of relating to the self.

Two Teachers Vignette While many of us may use self-­criticism as an attempt to motivate, protect, or “keep ourselves in line,” clinging to the self-­critic for these purposes is based on a logical fallacy—­that self-­attacking is the only way to motivate ourselves, or perhaps the best way. Even if self-­shaming and self-­attacking do seem to serve some useful purposes, they do so at a great cost, keeping us stuck in the threat system (with narrowed attention and thinking, focused on threats) and diminishing our happiness. We want to help clients discover ways to encourage, motivate, support, and protect themselves that don’t have these drawbacks. As we’ve seen, one way to do this is through the development of self-­compassion—­the ability to be sensitive, validating, and encouraging in the face of one’s suffer- ing and struggle. In the beginning, we may need to help clients develop motivation to make this shift from self-­criticism to self-­compassion. One of my favorite methods for doing this is the “Two Teachers” vignette, an experiential exercise commonly used by CFT therapists (Gilbert, 2009a): Therapist: Josh, we’ve been talking about how you see your self-­critic as working to protect and motivate you, and I’ve suggested that we might be able to find other ways to do those things. Related to that, I’d like to do a brief imaginal exercise and then ask you some questions. Would that be all right? Josh: I guess. Therapist: I want you to imagine a child that you care very much about—­maybe it’s your child, maybe someone else’s—­but you care very deeply about him. This child is learning a very difficult task, maybe learning to do algebra for the first time, learning a musical instrument, or to play a challenging sport. Have you ever done any of that stuff? Josh: I play guitar. Therapist: Then you know that when you first begin playing, it’s really hard—­and you have to practice quite a lot before you get to sounding very good. Josh: You’ve got that right. Therapist: So I want you to imagine that in learning this task, the child could have one of two teachers. First, let’s imagine that he has a harsh, critical teacher, who tries to motivate him by running him down. Imagine how this teacher might interact with him: “No! … No! … Wrong again! … Can’t you get anything right? … Not like that, like this! … No! … No! … What’s wrong with you? Are you stupid? … No!” Josh: Sounds familiar. My dad used to talk to me like that all the time. Therapist: It’s no secret where you learned to criticize yourself, is it? Josh: (Nods pensively.) Therapist: Now, let’s imagine a second teacher this child could have. This teacher is compassionate, really wanting to help the child learn. He understands that this is a really difficult task, and that anyone would struggle with it, especially in the beginning. This teacher is wise, knowing that what he really needs to do is find ways to encourage this child to keep going—­knowing that the key to mastering this task is for the child to keep working at it, and that he’s more likely to do that if he enjoys the experience. Let’s imagine how this teacher might approach this child: “There you go… There you go… Nice! … Keep going… Not quite like that, like this… Yes, that’s right… You’re doing really well—­this is tough but you’re doing a great job keeping at it… There you go!” Josh: (Relaxes a bit; breathing softens.) Therapist: So now, a few questions. First, which of those teachers would you want this child you care so much about to have? Which would you hire to teach him guitar, the first or second? Josh: The second. Therapist: Me, too. Let’s look a bit deeper, though. Even if you didn’t particularly care about this child, which teacher do you think would do a better job at teaching him to do this difficult task? Josh: The second. Therapist: (Nods.) One last question. When you observe yourself struggling, which teacher does the voice in your head sound like? Josh: (Pauses; looks down.) You got me there. It’s the first. Every damn time. Therapist: (Pauses; leans in a bit in silence.) Josh: I think I get it. Therapist: (warmly) Yeah. (Pauses.) So we’ve got some big tasks to tackle together. Which of those teachers do you think we should hire to help us? It sounds like that critical teacher has had his chance. Would you be willing to give that compassionate teacher a try, to see if he might be able to help us out? Josh: (Nods consideringly.) Yeah. That’d probably be worth a try. Exercises like the one above allow us to introduce the idea and impact of compassion in a way that is experiential—­operating at both the explicit (thinking about the benefits of compassion) and implicit ( feeling the differential effects of criticism and compassion) levels. If it stays only at the thinking level, we may find little shift in the client, as these self-­critical habits may be very deeply ingrained. We want the client to feel the difference, to connect with the realization that compassion is a more powerful way to get his needs met and pursue his goals. In the vignette above, the therapist works to accomplish this not just by describing the two teachers as critical or compassionate, but by acting out what they would say from these perspectives (which also provides some modeling—­ giving the client a glimpse into what compassion might look like in this situation). We see in the vignette that Josh reacted nonverbally to these depictions. We also need to allow plenty of time for the client to process what is happening within him, leaving plenty of space after the vignette to get to the questions that prompt self-­reflection, so that the client has time to connect with certain realizations. You’ll note that the therapist also matched the gender of both teacher and child to that of the client—­setting up the realization that the client plays both of these roles in relation to himself. Some clients will respond in very different ways from how Josh did—­sometimes digging into the self-­criticism, saying things like, “Well, that would work better for the child, but not for me,” or “I had the harsh teacher growing up, and I learned to play.” Again, we don’t want to come straight at this resistance, setting ourselves up as a threat cue and positioning the client to defend his self-­ critic. Rather, we can explore with Socratic dialogue: “So for you, it feels like the criticism worked, and you’re really reluctant to give up that strategy?” or “It sounds like you’re reluctant to relate compassionately to yourself because you feel that you don’t deserve to be treated kindly and compas- sionately?” We can explore these ideas with the client and see if he might be willing to try an experiment to see if compassion might work as an alternative to self-­criticism. Like any practice or technique, this practice requires attention to nuance, and won’t work equally well for everyone. Combat veterans whose training involved lots of people who sounded just like that critical teacher may reply: “I’d want my kid to have the first teacher. That first teacher kept me alive.” Using Socratic dialogue, we could help such clients explore the differences between the combat environment—­an environment filled with physical threats—­and civilian life, consider- ing different strategies in terms of how they fit with the demands and concerns present in these different contexts.

SUMMARY In this chapter, we considered how we might help clients apply compassion in working with self-­ criticism. Identifying the self-­criticism, exploring reluctance to give it up, and prompting clients to consider compassion as an alternative can be important steps in helping them really commit to developing compassion for themselves. With clients who have well-­entrenched shame and self-­ critical habits, working with these tendencies requires patience and steadfastness, as they gradually become better at mindfully noticing the arising of shame and self-­criticism, acknowledging these tendencies, compassionately noting how it makes sense that they would experience them, and pur- posefully shifting into a more compassionate perspective. In the next chapter, we’ll explore what such a perspective looks like.