8 把当下的力量带入此刻

CHAPTER 8 Call Forward into the Moment We are moving away from the world of fixed nouns and toward a world of fluid verbs. —­Kevin Kelly You’ve been working with Jennifer for a month. She came to you struggling with long-­ standing depression and social isolation. She has a stable job but is working well below her capabilities. However, as she puts it, she continuously self-­sabotages. She often spends whole weekends at home alone, watching television, feeling almost continuously guilty and ashamed but in too much pain to mobilize. She avoids paying bills until late fees and credit issues pile up. Early in treatment you learned that Jennifer suffered major betrayals when she was young. She learned from those betrayals, at a visceral level, that sharing her emotions is dangerous. She also internalized a very harsh self-­critical voice. You agreed with Jennifer that learning to break down that voice—­and the wall she maintains—­will likely be an important part of treatment, moving her toward goals of feeling more connected with others. Given the amount of fear that Jennifer reports about being vulnerable, you are gentle in your approach. You allow time and space to build trust. At the same time, Jennifer is extremely appreciative of your efforts and works hard on early homework assignments. In fact, you feel somewhat seduced by her praise. At the same time, it is clear that Jennifer has a range of ways of avoiding vulnerability in the moment. You focus on building a sense of safety in the room and gradually build awareness of these avoidance moves. This week, as often happens a few months into therapy dealing with long-­standing issues, there is a drop in her mood. Jennifer is markedly more withdrawn and anxious when she enters the room. “How are you feeling today?” “I’m okay. Well, no, I’m having a hard time.” “I see that, I think. You look tense, guarded. What’s going on?” “It’s been a hard week. This is where I end up. I know it’s not rational… Okay, so what are we going to talk about today?” She flashes a tense, fake smile and raises her shoulders as if to say, Let’s move on. You take a slow breath. “You want to move on, and it feels unnatural to leave your feelings. I want to know more about what you’re feeling right now. Would you be willing to slow down and tell me more?” “I don’t know.” She glances around nervously. “I feel…empty. But it doesn’t do any good to talk about it.” You remember that Jennifer struggles with a ton of self-­criticism—­crippling self-­ criticism. You notice she is pushing you away. “I don’t think you mean to do this, but I have the sense you’re pushing me away right now. I’m also wondering if you’re feeling a lot of self-­criticism, and if you want to hide your terrible self from me. Is that happening?” You speak kindly, tenderly. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to push you away.” She flashes a look of shame. “It’s okay, you know, if you do want to push me away. It makes sense to me.” She takes a deep breath. Then she speaks with a lower voice. “Actually I do, in a way. I don’t want to dwell on the negative; I spend enough time there. I don’t need reassurance or anything. I want to move forward. That’s what would be helpful for me right now. So it’s not that I want to push you away, but I don’t want you to just focus on how bad I’m feeling.” Something is suddenly clear. This is about a request, not experiential avoidance. “Ah…well that makes a lot of sense. Now I’m glad I pushed you to explain that. I think something else just clicked for me. It’s like sometimes what you’re trying to do here is be brave, keep moving toward what you care about? Is that it? “Yes.” “It’s like you’re a marathoner, and sometimes what I’ve done is become the voice in your ear saying, Oh, this is so painful. When what you really want is to just keep running.” “But it wasn’t your fault!” “I appreciate that. I don’t think it was my fault. I thought you needed soothing and the time to process your emotion. And I take responsibility. I didn’t understand that you also want to just move forward. I always want you to make that sort of thing clear to me. I’m glad you are making it clear to me now. You weren’t stuck because of how you’re feeling, but because you’re dreading that I’m going to make you dwell in a way that doesn’t feel right.” She’s looking at you squarely now. F rom the FAP perspective, “How are my client’s issues showing up in the therapy process?” is one of the most important questions you can ask. “Am I addressing these issues therapeuti- cally?” is another. With Jennifer, what shows up is a reticence to make her needs known, to risk hurting or disappointing the therapist. Despite the fantasy that we are all perfect technicians, the reality of clinical work is that things are often murky. As therapy unfolds, sometimes we have to slow down the moment, to press into a feeling that seems too scary, to clarify a confusion that lingers, or to address some unspoken but felt tension. These steps are necessary not just to keep the process of therapy moving, but also because what blocks the process is sometimes what blocks the client in his or her life and is the reason the client is seeking treatment. In terms of the FAP rules, this mix of exploration, functional thinking, noticing, and evoking represents rules 1 (notice CRB) and 2 (evoke CRB). In the example with Jennifer above, this exploration is crucial. The therapist starts with the assumption that holding back emotion is the key CRB1. In retrospect, however, Jennifer was very open about her emotion. What she was holding back was a request to move therapy forward in a different way rather than spending an hour in what would feel like an emotion-­focused pity party. Her initial statement, that she does want to push the therapist away, is a crucial 2—­wobbly and uncertain, but a 2 nonetheless. The therapist in turn realizes her error. The exploration leads to this clarity. The vulnerability of both Jennifer and the therapist and the commitment to thinking func- tionally allow this to happen. In this way, Jennifer and the therapist also learn a deeper lesson about connection: that there is more resilient connection in the tenacity to find understanding, despite misunderstanding, than in perfect understanding. This entire process started, however, because the therapist was willing to push deeper into what was happening—­and she kept pushing. WHAT IS EVOKING? Read through the questions and statements below, imagining that a supervisor or close friend is saying each one to you: What do you feel about me right now? What are you avoiding saying to me right now? There seems to be a pattern that plays out between us, and I want to share it with you because I think it’s happening again. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to say, but it feels right. I want you to know that… What do you need from me right now? How can you open up to how much I value and appreciate you in this moment? I’m feeling afraid of making you angry right now, and I wonder if you can notice your tone? I notice you’re not looking at me much today, and I don’t feel as connected to you. I’d like to connect with you. Can you look at me? The word “evoke” comes from the Latin word evocare, which means to “call out” or “summon,” and is based on the root verb vocare, “to voice.” To evoke is to call forward with your voice. These questions and statements are evocative, then, in the sense that they call forward a different behav- ior, even if that behavior is simply awareness of what is happening: “Notice what is happening between us right now.” This kind of calling forward into the present often takes courage because it is uncomfortable. There tends to be a natural intensity to orienting attention in this way. The stimulus of judgment or rejection is immediate. The uncertainty is palpable. The emotion is raw. Bringing attention to the present is a much more vulnerable endeavor than talking about things from a distance, that is, experiences of the past or the possible future. When practicing FAP, the aim is to use evocative questions and statements not in a reckless way, but rather in a way that’s strategic, sensitive to case conceptualization, and monitored over time to ensure they lead to therapeutic ends. Specifically, we aim to evoke, in the moment, the exact behavior that matters for a given client’s growth or recovery at this point in his life. Evoking effectively requires clear functional thinking, and to evoke boldly you must have confidence that you are doing so therapeutically. Only functional thinking can give you that confidence. But evoking also informs the functional analysis because it calls forward behavior and disclosure and allows you to explore what is happening in the moment. Remember, while we aim to be strategic as therapists, we will not always be right. So evoking is often just the beginning of an exploration, a moving toward something that seems to matter. In evocative moments, all the elements of FAP come together: trust, vulnerability, courage, compassion, and functional thinking. In this chapter, we describe some of the common principles of evoking. WHEN YOU SEE A POTENTIAL CRB Evoking skillfully requires noticing behavior that is potentially CRB, as rule 1 states. In the example of Jennifer, the therapist notices that Jennifer is emotional, and that in the context of feeling emo- tional she seems to want to move away from the emotion and keep the therapist away from it as well. The evoking, then, is to call something different forward. Inherently, evoking tends to inter- rupt what is already happening. It is disruptive. This disruption can take a lot of different forms and vary widely in intensity. When you think of evoking, imagine a continuum between gentle inter- ruption and bold confrontation. The gentle interruption is like a soft, extended hand slowing reaching forward: “May I slow you down?” It balances the gentleness of asking for permission with the assertiveness of interruption. Even though it is gentle, its disruption may be startling: “May I slow you down? I think you are perhaps terrified to say what you are really thinking right now.” In contrast, bold confrontation is like a fist that grabs attention: “Let me stop you there.” It takes the moment, but it need not take away choice, because in the next moment you can power- fully give choice back: “Let me stop you there. What is it that you really want?” Different moments in therapy will require different positions on this continuum. As always, it’s important to ask yourself this: How does my evoking function in this moment? EVOKING IN WAYS THAT ARE HEARD, SEEN, AND FELT Evoking functions at many levels beyond the words that are spoken. Often the most effective evoking disrupts not just through content but through how that content is voiced, meaning the facial expressions, hand gestures, and body posture that accompany the words. Imagine that you’re working with a client who tends to get lost in his head, telling the same circular stories about a situation in which he was wronged as though you haven’t already heard these stories and communicated your understanding of his pain multiple times. Imagine his 2s involve slowing down, breathing, describing how he’s feeling, and voicing his needs. In this situa- tion, your evoking might embody these various 2s at numerous levels: You sit forward in your chair and make eye contact. Your hand comes forward in a gentle gesture of interruption. You breathe deeply into your belly. You focus on your intentions: to communicate with your tone the empathy you feel for the client’s pain as well as to talk in a more productive way. Finally, your words arrive: “I really want to help you move beyond your pain, and I’m wondering if you’re telling me the same story over and over again because you aren’t deeply feeling the anguish of what you’re telling me, or because you’re not receiving my validation of what you’re saying. Would you be willing to slow down and notice the visceral sensations you’re feeling in your body, one sentence at a time, as you talk to me and as I respond?” FORMS OF EVOKING Evoking is defined by its function, not its form. However, evoking does tend to take a few common forms, and it’s useful to consider these in order to understand the range of possibilities. In the fol- lowing section we will consider these forms: Describing what you notice Prompting clients to notice Requesting and inviting Bold requests Expressing empathy and love Describing What You Notice Describing what you notice happening in the moment is a very basic way of evoking CRB: “I noticed that you looked away from me when you said that.” The awareness the statement prompts is sometimes sufficient enough to prompt, in turn, a shift in CRB. Or it opens up a useful exploration. Prompting Clients to Notice Another basic way to evoke CRB is to prompt clients to share what they notice. This directs their attention, which may disrupt avoidance, and also evokes self-­disclosure. Consider a prototypi- cal therapeutic question: What are you feeling right now? This tends to evoke sharing of what the client notices. You could also evoke noticing alone: “Can you notice what you’re feeling right now? You don’t have to share anything with me; just notice and experience it on your own.” This isn’t an academic distinction. For some clients, a pure focus on awareness and private experience may be exactly what they need, and attempting to evoke self-­disclosure might take them too far out of their comfort zone and feel too perilous. You might take these further steps with such clients over time, but starting with pure awareness and experiencing might be more effective than asking them to also share what they notice. Sharing intimate, vulnerable experience, especially about emotions, is difficult for many people, yet it leads to a sense of connection that many people crave in their relationships. Sometimes a robust FAP process can unfold entirely around the process of sharing, back and forth, moment by moment, what both client and therapist are experiencing. FAP therapist Tore Gustafsson calls this “affective mirroring.” Here’s a brief example: Client: I feel a flash of shame. I feel my cheeks flushing as I say this to you. Therapist: I feel your discomfort, and that you’re not looking away. This makes me feel tender toward you. There’s a warm feeling in my stomach. Client: I feel myself shudder as you say that. Part of me wants to push you away. But it feels so nice to be seen, to be cared for. Therapist: I’m happy you’re not pushing me away. Part of me is uncomfortable too. I notice my hands are restless. And yet as I look at you, I feel everything else fading away. I feel peaceful. Requesting and Inviting Sometimes stating what you notice suffices to evoke CRB. At other times you might add a specific request or invitation; for example, “I’ve noticed that you’re not looking at me. I want to feel connected to you because what you’re talking about feels very important. So—­and I know this is hard—­can you look at me right now as you talk?” Such invitations name and request the 2 directly. Bold Requests We distinguish bold requests as a separate category based on the intensity of the disruption or the degree of change they invite. Of course, this degree is entirely contextual. Therefore, for some clients or therapists, the example request in the previous section may be quite bold. Because of their intensity, bold requests should be used sparingly; otherwise their impact is diminished or there is a high risk that therapy will become aversive. The response to a bold request should have the quality of “I’m only willing to do this because you’ve built up a lot of good will and trust and because I know you’re right that this is good for me.” There is willingness to respond, but it is strained to the limits. Here’s an example of a bold request in a challenging context in which a great deal of sensitivity to the client is required. The client has been ruminating about suicide for weeks and is unwilling to commit to life but nevertheless continues to come to therapy. His therapist notices that recent therapy sessions have revolved around the client’s suicidal rumination in a way that seems unpro- ductive; in fact, the therapist has noticed that the client’s in-­session behavior parallels his pattern of avoiding commitment and avoiding active coping with challenging issues, such as his failing mar- riage and stalled career. So, with the utmost empathy and attunement, the therapist says, “I want to make a bold request of you. And I recognize that when I say this, I’m asking for a lot. I notice that we keep going round and round about suicide. You don’t want to give up the idea of checking out. But what I see at the core of that is something else that I think is scarier for you: you’re really scared to face the problems in your marriage and feeling like you’re in a dead-­end job. There’s a way in which talking about suicide is easier. So this is my request: Can we stop acting as though whether to commit suicide is the real problem here, and instead focus on what’s making you want to kill yourself? Would you be willing to stay in that conversation with me?” Expressing Empathy and Love Receiving empathy and love can be just as evocative as any request. A simple, empathic reflection—­such as “That must be so painful”—­can evoke a range of potential 1s: dismissal, skepti- cism, cynicism, various forms of avoidance, and so on. There might also be parallel 2s that come forward from acknowledging or openly receiving the therapist’s empathy or caring. BALANCING COURAGE AND LOVE Again, the above categories (describing what you notice, prompting clients to notice, requesting and inviting, bold requests, expressing empathy and love) only suggest some of the ways you can evoke behavior in session. Various forms of behavior may also accomplish the desired function. We have also found that balancing courage and love is another quality that is important for evoking therapeutically. Notice that in the earlier example about suicide, the therapist prefaces her bold request with an acknowledgment of the client’s perspective—­that she’s asking the client to face what he fears more than suicide. This prefacing is an example of an important general principle of evoking in FAP: to the extent that evoking demands courage of the client, it should clearly come from a per- spective grounded in empathy and love. Acknowledging the client’s perspective or the likely emo- tional impact the evoking may have or asking for permission are all ways of expressing empathy and love. In turn, communicating empathy and love can change how the request functions, transform- ing it from a more aversive demand (“Do this or else”) into a more inviting invitation to move toward something meaningful. Consider the differences in these examples: • I know this is a bold request and it might make you uncomfortable, and I’d really like you to dig for some critical feedback you could share with me. (Compare with “I want you to dig for some critical feedback to give me.”) • I hear you saying how alone you feel right now. You’re right that I can’t know exactly how you feel. And I want you to know that I do want to understand. Would you be willing to tell me more? (Compare with “Tell me more right now.”) • I can feel how difficult this is for you to talk about. Is it okay if we stay with this topic for a while longer? (Compare with “Let’s talk about this some more.”) As a corollary, if a client reacts with defensiveness, resistance, or avoidance, a good rule of thumb is to amplify your empathy and expression of love in order to increase the appetitive func- tion of the evoking. You can achieve a similar effect by linking the evoking directly to the client’s goals. SLOWING DOWN AND ALLOWING Going further, whatever form evoking takes, even if it is firm or striking, in general it shouldn’t feel like forcing. Invoking should feel like inviting, suggesting, encouraging, or collaborating. The state- ments in the previous section are good examples of such noncoercive evoking. Our assumption in practicing FAP is that voluntary participation and choice are, as a rule, the foundation of effective therapy. We are not coercing or placing clients under aversive control (“Do this or else something bad will happen.”). We are not asking clients to do what we say because we say they should. We want clients to choose what is right for them based on their values and their experience. If we ever force or confront, it’s typically strategic, in service of getting the client more in touch with choice. It’s useful to remember, then, that often the medium in which choice arises is spaciousness of time, especially if emotion, confusion, or conflict is involved. We must provide time—­through silence, through listening, and so on. This isn’t untethered spaciousness; your presence holds clients in the moment and invites them to feel what they haven’t fully felt, think what they haven’t fully thought, and choose what they haven’t fully chosen. To that end, your presence may need to be more or less prominent and more or less active. Sometimes, for example, the single best strategy is to hold your tongue after making a bold request. Let silence create space in which influence sets in. Silence can also be stultifying—­ perpetuating the space in which a familiar pattern or confusion consumes clients, or in which unspoken thoughts are buried even more deeply. In these cases, you need to evoke again; for example, “What are you thinking right now that might be hard to tell me about? What are you avoiding saying to me right now?” Silence itself is evocative. Pay attention to the function of silence: What does it evoke? Pay attention as well to your T1s and T2s when it comes to silence and filling silence. If you tend to talk too much—­or not enough—­you are leaving valuable opportunities to shape client behavior on the table. EXERCISES Besides the more unstructured, process-­based forms of evoking described above, you can also make use of various exercises, structured or unstructured, to evoke CRB. The life history exercise, FAP session bridging form, and various assessments—­in fact, any aspect of the therapy process or structure—­can all evoke CRB. In chapter 12, we offer a sampling of exercises precisely for their evocative value. The only thing that sets these exercises apart from other ways of evoking is that they tend to be somewhat structured. A LONG LIST OF EVOKING Below we offer a long list of sample questions and statements you can use to evoke CRB. They are organized into the functional classes of awareness, courage, and love (ACL) and the subcategories of each outlined in chapter 4. However, most of them are useful across a broad range of functional analyses. (In fact, many of them could be fit into one or both of the other ACL classes.) Please don’t view these examples as rule 2 “scripts” to employ verbatim with clients—­although there may be times when the language we provide is a perfect fit. Rather, we hope these lists will stimulate you to think of ways to evoke CRB for specific clients in context. We also hope they will inspire you to evoke CRB in bold and courageous ways while also being attuned to the needs of clients. Awareness of Present-­Moment Bodily Sensations, Thoughts, and Feelings Can you slow down right now, take a deep breath, and connect with your body? Can you really notice and become aware of what it feels like in your body to hear this from me? Can you find what’s good and pure and strong in your own behavior right now? Can you notice what you’re feeling right now? I notice that I’m not sure if you’re tracking me as you’re talking. I notice that I’m not as tuned in as I’d like to be because you don’t seem very connected to me or to what you’re saying. Can you see that? You’ve told me that it’s hard for you to figure out what you’re feeling. How about if I name some feelings that you might be having? Your job is to just pay attention and notice when an emotion word feels like it fits. There was this momentary flash of emotion as you were talking. Were you aware of what you were feeling? Did you notice that you quickly moved on when I gave you that feedback? I had the sense you were brushing me off. Awareness of Values, Needs, Goals, and Identity Do you know what you need or want right now, from today’s session? What feels really vital and meaningful for you in this moment? As you’re talking to me, are you aware of why you’re here and what you’re trying to work on? oasis-ebl|Rsalles|1490374181 What do you long for? What goal feels the most difficult to approach right now? What are the most important skills you’ve learned that you want to keep implementing in your life? In what areas do you feel disappointed about the progress you’ve made? I’m having a hard time following what’s important to you in this. Can you help me understand? Awareness of Others What do you think I’m feeling? I am wondering if you could pay more attention to my face, my expression, and my eyes right now. Really notice me. What could you do to improve our relationship? What are some seemingly inappropriate reactions you’ve had to me? What do you think I’m feeling about your progress? Are you aware of how I’m reacting to what you’re saying? You seem very tuned in to how I’m reacting right now. What are you noticing? It seems that you’re comfortable with a lot of conflict with your relationships, and you’re interacting with me in that way. What do you think it’s like for me and other people who care about you? As you know, part of making relationships work well is being tuned in to the other person. How aware are you of how you’re impacting me in terms of… ? Courage: Choosing to Experience Vulnerability and Emotion What were you thinking or feeling on your way to therapy today? What were you thinking or feeling while you were waiting for me out in the waiting room? People have different ways of suppressing their feelings. One client told me that she counts backward from one thousand by sevens. Another one holds his breath. What do you do to suppress your feelings? It’s hard for me to know what you’re feeling based on your facial expression, or lack of it. Can you describe the visceral sensations you’re having? What’s your reaction to what I just said? […to the rationale I just gave?…to me as your therapist?… to agenda setting?…to structured therapy?…to the homework assignment?] Let’s spend five minutes really talking about how we’re feeling right now, in this moment, from the heart. What are you feeling right now? What thoughts and feelings are you having about the end of this therapy relationship as it approaches? What’s it like for you to hear my feedback? It’s painful for you to hear me say that. I want to acknowledge that. Can you tell me more about how it feels? I have the sense that you’re being very careful about your words right now. What are you avoiding saying? If you were less careful, what would you say? I know our disagreement is hard for you to stay with. Are you willing to keep talking with me about this? You seem angry but your words don’t reflect that. What if you put your anger into words? Can you express the hurt beneath your anger? That would make it easier for me to hear what you’re upset with me about. What does it bring up for you that we’re getting closer? It means a lot to me that you just shared something with me that you don’t usually tell people, but you’re acting like it’s not a big deal. What are your feelings about having told me what you just said? I’d like you to slow down and say that to me again. Can you feel what you’re saying? Courage: Offering Self-­Disclosure What would be hard for us to talk about? What do you not want to talk about? What do you have a hard time expressing about yourself? What’s difficult for you between sessions? What’s happened that’s been painful for you to discover? What are the hardest parts of our time together? Which of your behaviors tend to bring closeness in your relationships? What do you tend to do that decreases closeness in your relationships? How would you feel about us watching for those behaviors in here? What’s hard for you to tell me about yourself? In what area do you feel disappointed about the progress you’ve made? What happens during sessions that makes it hard for you to manage your feelings? What stands out to you most about your interactions with me? What situations, thoughts, or behaviors make you vulnerable to feeling [insert presenting problems here], and how can you deal with them to decrease the likelihood or severity of what you were experiencing when you first came in? When do you feel closest to me? What powerful experiences have you had because of our work together? From your heart, what’s most vulnerable for you to say to me as you say good-­bye? What regrets do you have about the therapy or what would you like to have gone differently? Is there any negative feedback you’d like to share with me? It seems that you’re really making therapy a priority. Can you tell me what your therapy relationship with me means to you? Courage: Asking for a Need to Be Met What do you not want to talk about? What can we do to connect right now? What do you need from me right now? What do you want to change about your therapy? What’s an area that’s important for us to continue talking about? How do you wish I would change? What’s hard for you to say to me? What do you wish I’d do differently? I hear a need in what you’re saying, but it’s not quite clear to me. Can you help me understand? I notice that you’re working really hard to take care of me right now. Who takes care of you? How can I take better care of you? I think it’s very hard for you—­scary even—­to ask for what you need here. Would you be willing to ask me despite your fear? I have the sense that your anger is overwhelming everything else right now. What do you think is needed? Love: Providing Safety and Acceptance Can you express acceptance to me? What do you really love and accept about me and how I interact with you? You seem kind of scary to me right now. Is there a way you can be less scary while still remaining true to what you feel? Love: Expressing Understanding, Validation, and Empathy What do you feel is important for me to know right now? When do you feel closest to me? What do you like and appreciate about me? What will you always remember about me? It means a lot to me that you’re listening to what I have to say right now. Often you’re very focused on telling me your story, so it means a lot to me when you tune in to my input. Love: Giving What Is Needed What could you do to improve our relationship? I feel like it would help me connect with you if… I’m wondering what you appreciate about our work. Would you tell me? It seems that anger is your go-­to emotion, and it can really push people away. Can you express your anger to me in a way that brings us closer? It’s hard for me to tell you this because I don’t want you to feel distanced from me. But you express your feelings in a really intense way sometimes, and it scares me. I want to stay present with you, and it would be helpful for me if you lowered your voice and slowed down a bit. What do you think? I noticed that you just changed the topic. Can we go back? I notice that you’re not looking at me as you say that. Can you look at me? Love: Reciprocal Disclosure Are you upset with me? What do I do that bothers you? What are some things I’ve done that you felt were insensitive? What are some things that I’ve done to hurt you or make you feel angry? When do you feel closest to me? I want you to know that I respect your anger about this. I’m sorry about what I did. Are you willing to let me try to repair the situation? Would you be willing to compromise with me? It seems that when you’re unhappy with something, you tend to blame other people, including me. Can we each look at what we’re contributing to this conflict we’re having? The ability to forgive another person’s mistakes is essential in maintaining close relationships. I get that you’re really mad at me and want to walk away from our relationship right now. But that would just be a repeat of what you’ve done with everyone else who’s cared about you. Are you willing to do something different this time? Will you work on forgiving me for my mistakes? Self-­Love: Self-­Acceptance What do you have a hard time expressing about yourself? What can you accept in yourself right now? What do you like and appreciate about yourself? It seems like you’re being really hard on yourself right now. What can you appreciate about what you’re doing in this situation? Self-­Love: Accepting Love from Others What does it feel like in your body to hear this appreciation from me? Can you accept my appreciation of you? How accepting of my appreciation are you right now? Self-­Love: Self-­Care What do you need from me right now that would help you take care of yourself? How can you take care of yourself in this moment? If you were to make our session today the most nourishing and supportive for yourself, how would you approach it?

RESPONDING TO CLIENT 1S When you evoke, you call something forward in the moment. You step into the stream of behavior and divert it in some way. Of course, the stream has its own momentum. It doesn’t comply imme- diately to your suggestion. It might bowl you over. It might twist around you and create havoc downstream. It might silently conform and then immediately resume its course. To evoke then is merely the first step, and often when we evoke we find ourselves contending with the momentum of the behavior we are seeking to change. Consider these examples of client CRB1: • The client has a dozen ways of distancing from her experience of anxiety. • The client plunges into anxious objections to any path of action. • The client believes rigidly that one “simply can’t” do certain types of things and argues with suggestions to try doing them. • The client feels anxious and offers various charming, self-­deprecating jokes when she is vulnerable. The CRB1 in all these examples functions to push away, escape, or avoid something that is aversive for the client. The CRB1 is reinforced when the behavior accomplishes that function. When a CRB1 occurs in response to evoking, then, the key question is: what happens next? One possibility is that the CRB1 is aversive to you or otherwise pulls you away in a less thera- peutic direction. (Remember, in this context “therapeutic” is defined as evoking CRB2.) In fact, you might have a countertherapeutic effect by somehow reinforcing the client’s CRB1. This is not unusual. Here’s an example. Imagine a teenage client whose daily life problems revolve around not com- pleting important tasks because of her tendency to get wrapped up in her emotions. In therapy, the mutually agreed-­upon core CRB2 is to do what’s important despite feelings that come and go: Therapist: So, your homework was to have a really important conversation. I’d like to hear how it went. Client: I really don’t want to. Therapist: Why not? (Sensitively.) Client: I just feel so overwhelmed. (Tearing up.) Therapist: (Leaning forward.) Tell me more. Here the therapist may be getting pulled away from the core CRB and the corresponding evo- cation, instead engaging in her own T1 of avoiding the possibly more challenging topic of the avoided homework. Attending to the emotion might be functional, before looping back to address the homework, but as therapists we don’t always close the loop. The therapist in this situation may be absentmindedly reinforcing the client’s avoidance, and she may kick herself at the end of the session when she realizes that very little outside of the status quo has been accomplished. Responding to CRB1 in a contentious way that seems to challenge the client to step up but in fact fails to evoke CRB2 can be just as dysfunctional: Therapist: So, your homework was to have a really important conversation. I’d like to hear how it went. Client: I really don’t want to. Therapist: Too bad. We gotta. Client: Fine. Whatever. Therapist: So how did it go? Client: Fine. Therapist: (Waiting.) In contrast, despite a client’s attempts to steer you away and avoid, despite the aversiveness of the moment for you or the client, there is a way of gently staying with the evoking without forcing it or reinforcing the client’s 1. Much of the skill is essentially lingering and making the moment as appetitive as possible, such that the client becomes willing to stay there with you to find the behav- ior that is a 2 for him. For example: Therapist: So, your homework was to have a really important conversation. I’d like to hear how it went. Client: I really don’t want to. Therapist: Yeah. I can see your emotion. Are you willing to tell me what happened—­whatever it was? This was such an important conversation. And so much is at stake. Here the therapist balances validation, asking for permission, and highlighting the importance of the homework while repeating the evocation. Such a gentle and insistent repetition of the evoca- tion is probably the simplest response to a CRB1. In this context, the therapist may now be looking for any slight movement toward talking about the homework or the emotion about what happened. In this way, the therapist shapes the gradual movement toward a more fully developed CRB2: Therapist: Yeah. I can see your emotion. Are you willing to tell me what happened—­whatever it was? This was such an important conversation. And so much is at stake. Client: (Tears up.) Therapist: It looks like whatever happened was really painful. Client: Yes. Therapist: It’s okay. Take your time. Client: I feel so embarrassed. Therapist: Tell me what happened. Moments like this often have to unfold gradually, with a broad, flexible sense of the CRB2 that you and the client are shaping. There should be a sense of exploring the experience, with empathy. Here is an extended example of an exploration that gradually leads to a CRB2 related to emotional expression. Therapist: You’re looking at me like this (eyes looking up, tilted down). I’m wondering if you can look at me more directly. That would help me feel more connected. Client: All right. (Looking at the therapist.) Therapist: What are you feeling right now? Client: Anxious. I don’t know why I’m anxious. Therapist: How do you know you’re anxious? Client: I’m more tense. Therapist: Where do you feel tense? Client: Physically. My whole body is rigid. Looking at you is harder than it’s been before. (Looking away slightly.) Therapist: I’m asking you to look at me more directly. Client: How’s this? Is it better? Therapist: You do look more emotional. Client: Yeah, I’m sad. When I start to think about the play I saw last night, there’s sadness, crying—­there’s tears here, in me, now…somewhere. Therapist: You’re smiling. What happens when you smile? Does it block your tears? Client: Yeah, I guess. Therapist: See, you’re doing it, you’re making your sadness go away. It’s hard to be sad when you’re smiling and kind of laughing. Client: It’s true. Therapist: It’s a very effective technique. I’d like to hear more about your sadness. How do you experience it in your body right now? What are you feeling? Get basic: A lump in your throat, a heaviness in your chest? What do you feel? Client: Hmm. I’m not sure what it is I’m feeling. Therapist: Do you notice the sensations in your body? Client: I notice shallower breathing. Therapist: You’re doing a good job of staying with yourself and not smiling—­not going into your head. Are you holding your breath? Client: Yeah, holding my breath. Therapist: What would happen if you would just let yourself cry? Client: Nothing. I don’t understand why I can’t do it. I’d just get sad. I don’t get it. I don’t know why I can’t do that. Therapist: You actually do that better than a lot of men. You let yourself get teary, sob at times. I think you’d feel much more liberated if you were in touch even more with your feelings and were more expressive. The big thing for me about your emotional expression is the incongruence, the smiling. The first thing I want you to do is to cut that out. You know that when I am working with my clients and they’re saying sad things and start grinning, it’s difficult to be on the receiving end of that. And I don’t know what it feels like for you; it seems invalidating for you, a very effective way of cutting yourself off from your feelings. And I’m wondering how that came about. Did you have to smile for your parents, and let them know everything’s okay? I’m checking to see how you’re breathing. Client: Shallow. I’m sweating in my chest and legs. I’m anxious. Therapist: What’s percolating that you’re anxious about? What do you need to say that you’re not saying? Just blurt it out. Client: You said my smile cuts me off from my feeling. I was thinking I don’t want to be cut off from my feelings. I don’t want to put myself in a box. My parents contained me in a box. Therapist: I feel sad when I hear you say your parents put you in this box. Client: It is sad. Therapist: Can you say “I feel sad?” Client: I feel sad. Therapist: Say “I feel sad when I think about my parents putting me in a box.” Client: You want me to say that? Therapist: And try not to smile. Client: I feel sad about my parents putting me in a box. Therapist: Say that again. Client: I feel sad about my parents putting me in a box. Therapist: I feel sad too about your parents putting you in a box. Your voice is really low. Say it in your own voice like you mean it. Client: I feel sad that my parents put me in a box. Therapist: What do you notice in your body? Client: I’m tight, I’m not breathing, I’m not really moving. Was that my own voice? No? What do you notice? Therapist: I’m wondering what you’re doing to cut yourself off from your feelings. You’re not smiling, which is really good, but you’re constricted. I’m really struck by how subdued you sound. I guess that’s exactly what you’re telling me about…being put in a box, being medicated. You seem to have so much grief under the surface. It seems like you’re doing everything you can to keep it there. Client: I’m clenching my teeth. This is fucking crazy. Therapist: I think you’re a little hard on yourself, because you’re not fucking crazy. What do you expect? You grew up in this environment with your parents. They medicated you because you were a little too much for them. And what do you think you’re going to do, emote like crazy? Not yet. Client: I am so hard on myself. I’d like to try and get to the emotion…I want to emote. Therapist: I want you to. Client: (Cries briefly.) Inviting Growth or Change Notice in the previous example that evoking CRB2 is not as simple as offering a deliberate choice. It is not a matter of willpower or choice. Instead, evoking CRB2 is a matter of creating a context that is challenging enough, compassionate enough, and aware enough for something new to emerge. The therapist is compassionate throughout, while remaining focused on evoking CRB2. It is often important to be just as compassionate toward CRB1 (or the person engaging in CRB1) as we are toward CRB2. This is a critical point! This stance counteracts our tendency to be frustrated or disappointed with “problem” behavior. Why does this matter? Clients are often amply frustrated and conflicted with their CRB1. In that case, our own frustration doesn’t offer anything new or disruptive. In addition, the threshold at which CRB1 turns into CRB2 is often riddled with fear or vulnerability—­aversion that tends to evoke avoidance. Our aim is to make that pathway as appetitive as possible. At the same time, this stance of compassion toward CRB1 does not mean being soft or tolerant in any broad sense of CRB1. We can empathize with the history and the function behind CRB1 and, at the same time, remain aware of the terrible cost it has wrought over time. Our goal is to help the person recognize that he or she is able and capable of stepping through the experience of vul- nerability toward a CRB2. Of course, the particular style or tone of this balance between compassion, acceptance, and firm evoking varies between clients. Many therapists tend to err on one side or the other—­either too soft and compassionate or too harsh and demanding—­with similar results: they don’t evoke much change. With all clients you should be guided by functional thinking and observation of what is happen- ing. Ask yourself how your evoking is functioning. Are you being too lenient or too harsh? Adjust accordingly. See the 2 in the 1 When navigating the conflicted flow of CRB1 or emerging CRB2, to “see the 2 in the 1” is an invaluable concept. Consider this example: Therapist: What are you feeling right now? Client: Nothing. I want you to take a leap out the window. Therapist: I know you’re angry at me. Can I see if I understand why? Client: Good fucking luck. Therapist: Well, I think that basically what we’ve been trying to do these last few weeks is not working. And then in that context, I kept challenging you in a way that must have felt really frustrating. And now things have really fallen apart at your job. So you’re sitting there going, How the fuck is therapy worthwhile again? Client: Pretty much. Therapist: It’s crap, there’s no way around it. I’m sorry. In this example, there might be a tendency to see—­even without context—­the client’s first statement as an aggressive, avoidant CRB1. It was indeed aversive for the therapist, and in many contexts it would have been ineffective. The therapist, however, recognizes that the client’s mere presence in therapy (rather than being at the liquor store) and her verbal engagement with him, in this context, is CRB2. In other words, the client’s life would be worse if this behavior were not happening. In turn, the therapist responds to the client’s statement as though it is a CRB2 of accurately expressing anger. The therapist aims to reinforce this statement by reflecting the anger and, in turn, evoke further vulnerable engagement with the client by asking if he can explore why she is angry. Again, the client responds in a vague, aggressive way—­congruent with her emotion—­but also in a way that invites the therapist to proceed. And again, there is a CRB2 in that prickly statement. The therapist offers a validating, event-­based explanation of the client’s anger, admitting his own contribution to the situation. The client then finally offers a more neutral, perhaps even agreeable, response. From here, the discussion continues to move in a constructive direction. If the therapist had responded more directly to the aversive CRB1 aspects of the client’s response, or had he been unable to see the 2 in the 1, the outcome would likely have been much less constructive. Ignoring—­W hen and How Besides gently blocking or evoking 2s in response to 1s, you may experience the impulse to ignore 1s. For instance, if the client vaguely asks for reassurance, and seeking reassurance is a 1, the therapist might ignore that request and respond to another part of the message. Or if the client sends a message venting about frustrating events after-­hours, the therapist might ignore the message. Ignoring does not work well when the client is making a specific request of you and/or is expecting a response. For socially attuned human beings, conspicuous ignoring creates uncer- tainty, and anxiety or irritation may follow. The uncertainty arises because ignoring rarely comes with an explanation; for example, “I’m going to ignore what you just said.” Ignoring is intrinsically vague: Is he ignoring my message? Why is he doing that? Is he considering it a 1? It seemed reasonable to me. Or is he just busy? Did I do something wrong? Is he angry at me? This kind of unspoken uncertainty often corrodes trust. It creates a special kind of paranoia; for example, “Are you doing behavior modification on me by ignoring my response?” However, if there is a clear, shared rationale for ignoring, the function may be quite different. Consider this: “When you send me venting messages on the weekend, because I’m quite busy, and because those messages are generally about you avoiding doing what you need to do, we agree that I won’t respond.” Or “Sometimes I can’t provide everything you need, nor can anyone else. So from time to time I may not reply to your messages, because life gets in the way. When that happens, are you willing to work on accepting that?” In addition, ignoring can sometimes work pragmatically: for example, if there is plenty of other stuff to respond to, you simply can’t respond to everything or it may work to focus on specific things or perhaps the client hasn’t specifically requested that you respond to a given item. And there is a behavioral rationale for ignoring: ignoring may be the “least-­reinforcing response,” and as such it ensures that a 1 is not reinforced. Principles aside, as always, before ignoring we should ask how doing so will actually function for the client. Without a clear rationale for the value of enduring the disappointment, the cost of breach of trust outweighs the potential that the client will stumble upon the therapeutic benefit of being ignored. Responsiveness is too important; nonresponsiveness is too confusing. In the majority of cases, when a response is expected, the superior therapeutic stance is to address the expectation of response with honesty and adult social skills. NAME THE PATTERN AND STEP OUT OF IT In our consultations with therapists, we have found, again and again, that there is a special kind of evoking that is useful when therapy is stuck. In FAP terms, “getting stuck” in therapy means the therapeutic relationship is no longer exerting a therapeutic influence on the client’s patterns of problematic behavior. Instead, the therapist’s behavior has been shaped by client responses (or other factors) to the point that the therapy is no longer therapeutic. Consider these examples: • The client becomes angry at you every time you suggest behavior change, and now you’ve given up on suggesting change. • You struggle through the same protocol over and over again, but the client doesn’t “get it” and you don’t know why. • You both like each other a lot, but there is a nagging sense that nothing is really changing. These examples all boil down to this: behavior isn’t changing. It’s not a matter of progress being a slow, gradual grind, rather the therapy is stuck. When this happens, you need to do something different. Functionally speaking, you need to vary your own behavior in order to evoke something different. Sounds simple, right? The approach we typically recommend in this situation is called “name the pattern and step outside it.” In the sections that follow, we describe the steps involved. Step 1: Describe the Pattern The first step is to describe—­using basic and nonjudgmental behavior terms—­exactly what the pattern of behavior is that that you and the client engage in. You are not going to share this with the client yet. You are writing this description just for yourself. Sometimes there can be a relatively stable holding pattern of behavior, but more often than not the pattern is more of a cycle: this phase leads to that phase that in turn loops back to the beginning. The tricky thing about cycles is that some part of the cycle might present itself as an escape from the cycle, but in reality it’s just another part of the stuck cycle. Consider this example of a pattern of behavior written from the therapist’s perspective: First we try to shape commitments that you will follow through on to move you toward your goals and activate out of unproductive avoidance. We drum up motivation. Then you tend to fall short in some way. Then you feel frustrated with therapy and miss a session and question the whole enterprise. Then I feel bad, and then we talk about hopelessness, and we usually arrive at a point where we feel more connected. Then we get hopeful again. Then we shape commitments again…and the cycle repeats. We’ve repeated this cycle three times in the last three months. Describe the pattern at whatever level of detail is sufficient to capture it. Your description should be detailed and accurate enough that, having read it, both you and the client would give a head nod of recognition: yes, that’s what happens between us. Step 2: Take the Client’s Perspective Next, from the client’s perspective, review the description that you wrote. It must avoid laying blame on the client. It should convey that there is a 100 percent reasonable explanation for the current situation—a sense of, “Of course this is what happens, because this reflects exactly how your behavior was shaped by your history, and it is exactly why you are seeking help from me.” Does your description convey that sense? For example, we might expand the example from above in the following way: First we try to shape commitments that you will follow through on to move you toward your goals and activate out of unproductive avoidance. We drum up motivation. Then you tend to fall short in some way. This is understandable, because I think we’re not great yet at estimating what is doable; we tend to get too ambitious. You’re also still struggling with a lot of difficult emotion. Then you feel frustrated with therapy and miss a session and question the whole enterprise. Again, that makes sense—­even though I think it’s self-­ defeating—­because empirically therapy hasn’t moved you forward much yet. Then I feel bad, and then we talk about hopelessness, and we usually arrive at a point where we feel more connected. Then we get hopeful again. Then we shape commitments again…We have the best of intentions. We think we won’t make the same mistake again. And the cycle repeats. We’ve repeated this cycle three times in the last three months. What validation do you need to add to your description? Next, consider more broadly how the client will hear your description of the pattern. What objections or explanations will his self-­critical mind give? Will there be shame? Hopelessness? Fear that you are giving up on therapy? Add some validation or assurance that responds directly to that voice: I’m afraid that saying this will make you think I’m giving up on our therapy, but I’m actually reaffirming my commitment. I want to own my part in what has happened. You’re right to be disappointed and frustrated with this process. I expect you may find this pattern to feel hopeless. But I think that by naming the pattern we can begin to step out of it. Step 3: Find Other Avoidance Often, the main thing that is being avoided is calling out the stuck pattern, and naming the pattern directly is the most important, disruptive step forward. However, sometimes there are other points of avoidance that don’t come clearly into focus with the initial description of the stuck pattern. Addressing this avoidance can be critical. To address this possibility, consider these questions: What are you not talking about or accepting in relation to this client? Are you or the client failing to meet your commitments to each other? Is there significant unspoken frustration or disappointment in the relationship? Has one of you shut down or refused to address something the other considers important? Is the client resisting your input? Are you resisting or failing to understand the client’s input? What else do you feel about this client that you are not accepting? If there is something important that you are avoiding facing, consider yourself lucky that you’ve discovered it. Reflect on how that avoided thing fits into the stuck pattern. About nine times out of ten it will fit in a very clear way. For example, the therapist might build on her perspective of where therapy is stuck in this way: First we try to shape commitments that you will follow through on to move you toward your goals and activate out of unproductive avoidance. We drum up motivation. Then you tend to fall short in some way. This is understandable, because I think we’re not great yet at estimating what is doable; we tend to get too ambitious. You’re also still struggling with a lot of difficult emotion. Then you feel frustrated with therapy and miss a session and question the whole enterprise. Again, that makes sense—­even though I think it’s self-­ defeating—­because empirically therapy hasn’t moved you forward much yet. Then I feel bad, and then we talk about hopelessness, and we usually arrive at a point where we feel more connected. Then we get hopeful again. Then we shape commitments again…We have the best of intentions. We think we won’t make the same mistake again. And the cycle repeats. We’ve repeated this cycle three times in the last three months. I think one thing we’ve been avoiding dealing with is recognizing that we don’t have a clear bead on what’s going to make your life more meaningful and rewarding right now. Part of this is related to the bankruptcy hanging over your head and the uncertainty about whether your job will continue past the fall. I think these issues insidiously under- mine all the motivation we try to build. Perhaps you’re thinking, Therapists just can’t say things like that, or I can’t say that! If you feel con- stricted by such thoughts about addressing the things you’ve been avoiding, try reflecting on the following: If you weren’t concerned with being a “good therapist,” and you were at your best as a compassionate human being, what would you say to this client? For example, if the client was a close friend or family member, what would you say? How would you say it? If you weren’t constrained by a treatment plan, therapy principles, case conceptualization, and so forth, what would you think is the most important thing the client needs right now? What single issue, if you could resolve it, would make the biggest difference for this client? Now ask yourself these questions: How does my avoidance of this topic, or of saying what I would say to a close friend, function for me and for the client in our relationship? In other words, what do I do when I am avoiding that topic? How do I feel? What do I think? What happens next? What is the cost of that pattern of avoidance? Step 4: Take Responsibility If you haven’t done so already, answer this simple question: What have you done to contribute to the relationship being stuck? The avoidance identified in the prior step might be a key part of your contribution. Then incorporate your response into your understanding of the situation. Consider this example: First we try to shape commitments that you will follow through on to move you toward your goals and activate out of unproductive avoidance. We drum up motivation. Then you tend to fall short in some way. This is understandable, because I think we’re not great yet at estimating what is doable; we tend to get too ambitious. You’re also still struggling with a lot of difficult emotion. Then you feel frustrated with therapy and miss a session and question the whole enterprise. Again, that makes sense—­ even though I think it’s self-­defeating—­because empirically therapy hasn’t moved you forward much yet. Then I feel bad, and then we talk about hopelessness, and we usually arrive at a point where we feel more connected. Then we get hopeful again. Then we shape commitments again… We have the best of intentions. We think we won’t make the same mistake again. And the cycle repeats. We’ve repeated this cycle three times in the last three months. I think one thing we’ve been avoiding dealing with is recognizing that we don’t have a clear bead on what’s going to make your life more meaningful and rewarding right now. Part of this is related to the bankruptcy hanging over your head and the uncertainty about whether your job will continue past the fall. I think these issues insidiously undermine all the motivation we try to build. I think my contribution to this pattern has been wanting to believe that the simpler path of just getting activated under these circumstances is enough for you, that somehow you’ll be able to gut your way through. But clearly more than that is needed. Notice any reactions—­defensiveness, shame, hopelessness, and so forth—­that come up as you take responsibility. In order to face the situation and move the therapy forward, are you willing to have these feelings? Step 5: What Else Needs to Be on the Table? When a relationship is stuck, about 95 percent of the time the first thing that’s needed is for the therapist and client to collaboratively look at it and seek to understand why. Because that understanding typically develops from a dialogue, don’t become overly invested in a specific solu- tion too early. What is needed early on is the willingness to look at the pattern, facing whatever feelings come with that willingness. Next, get in touch with the cost of the pattern. Complete the following sentence: If this pattern continues, the most likely outcome is that… For example: If this pattern continues, the most likely outcome is that we’ll both feel more and more frustrated. We won’t get anywhere, and you’ll walk away with another experience in which you weren’t enough and nobody could help you. Finally, consider why it will be worthwhile to break the pattern. Consider what the client aspires to be and what the client values. Consider what you genuinely believe the client must learn to move forward. Building on the therapist perspective from earlier steps, consider the following additions: First we try to shape commitments that you will follow through on to move you toward your goals and activate out of unproductive avoidance. We drum up motivation. Then you tend to fall short in some way. This is understandable, because I think we’re not great yet at estimating what is doable; we tend to get too ambitious. You’re also still struggling with a lot of difficult emotion. Then you feel frustrated with therapy and miss a session and question the whole enterprise. Again, that makes sense—­even though I think it’s self-­ defeating—­because empirically therapy hasn’t moved you forward much yet. Then I feel bad, and then we talk about hopelessness, and we usually arrive at a point where we feel more connected. Then we get hopeful again. Then we shape commitments again…We have the best of intentions. We think we won’t make the same mistake again. And the cycle repeats. We’ve repeated this cycle three times in the last three months. I think one thing we’ve been avoiding dealing with is recognizing that we don’t have a clear bead on what’s going to make your life more meaningful and rewarding right now. Part of this is related to the bankruptcy hanging over your head and the uncertainty about whether your job will continue past the fall. I think these issues insidiously undermine all the motivation we try to build. I think my contribution to this pattern has been wanting to believe that the simpler path of just getting activated under these circumstances is enough for you, that somehow you’ll be able to gut your way through. But clearly more than that is needed. You’ve said again and again that you care about your freedom. But again and again we keep getting caught in this pattern, which is the opposite of freedom. What I want is that we find a way to step out of this pattern. Part of me says the pattern is genuinely about facing failure, being willing to learn from failure. And I think part of it is about being willing to face the bigger questions looming over your head. Step 6: Prepare Your Opening Statement Pulling together everything you’ve considered in the previous steps, you’ll now prepare a brief, one-­to-­two-­minute opening statement that you’ll say to the client to begin addressing and talking openly about the stuck pattern. To get you started, here’s a template of sorts that you can use to construct your opening state- ment. You shouldn’t stick to this exact wording (unless it works well for you):

1. I want to talk about something I’ve been noticing in our therapy. I want to share it with you so that I can get your input.
2. What I’ve been noticing is that we seem to be in a pattern. The pattern is [describe the pattern].
3. What I’ve contributed to this is [describe your contribution].
4. I think the cost of this pattern, if we let it continue, is that [describe the cost].
5. I want us to step back and talk about this pattern so we can find another way forward.
6. In talking about the pattern, I think we may have to face [name something you’ve been avoiding].
7. In turn, I think the reason to step back, to step out of this pattern, is that then we can move toward [name the payoff].
8. What’s your view on what I’m describing? I would really value your honest perspective. Rehearse your statement a few times and make sure that you balance courage and love while delivering it. Be aware that sometimes a mere request to engage in dialogue about the process can be quite intense for clients, so don’t make this request lightly. Offer the validation your client will need to hear you clearly, with less sense of threat. At the same time, don’t let your efforts to validate the client’s perspective and communicate safety and openness undermine the clarity and directness of your request to disrupt the dysfunctional pattern. Here’s an example of an opening statement that’s quite brief but covers all of the important points: oasis-ebl|Rsalles|1490374209 I want to talk about this pattern that I think keeps happening between us. What I’ve noticed is that during the last few weeks I’ve been giving you lots of ideas about what to do. I feel this kind of urgency to give you stuff to do. And then you end up doing very few of the things I suggest during the week, and you still feel distressed, and you still feel urgently like there’s something you need to do differently. And then I jump back on the train of trying to urgently give you stuff to do. I think it’s really important that we step back and figure this out. Otherwise I fear you’ll continue to be frustrated and we won’t move forward. More importantly, I think this loop that we are stuck in—­you and I—­is probably some- thing that happens more broadly in your life. Do you recognize it? A sense of urgency, and of grabbing after what you should do but not being able to actually embody the change you are grasping for. Of course I’ve contributed to this by feeding your urgency, buying into it right alongside you. The upside is that now I know what it feels like to be in your life, at least somewhat. And I have a hunch that what it will take to break this pattern is gradually slowing down and feeling something different or uncomfortable. What do you think about what I’m saying? Do you recognize what I’m talking about? Step 7: Have the Conversation The next step is to actually have the conversation with your client. Although you’ve hopefully rehearsed your opening statement, once you begin talking to the client, focus on the moment and connecting with your client rather than trying to remember the script you set out to deliver. If you start into your opening statement and it doesn’t feel right, feel free to abandon it and speak to what seems more to the core: “You know, as I say this, I realize I don’t quite know what matters most, or how to solve it. I just know we need to talk about this. What we’ve been doing doesn’t seem to be getting us where we want to go.” Once you’ve opened the conversation, whatever form that takes, let go and listen. It’s possible that the client will engage in CRB1 in response to your invitation, either immediately or as the conversation proceeds. If this happens, accept it, respond with compassion, and stick to your goal of disrupting the status quo. Be persistent. Sometimes you’ll have to approach the conversation multiple times, perhaps across multiple sessions, to create a productive shift. Step 8: Follow Up Follow-­up to the conversation is just as important as the initial conversation. If both you and the client are uncomfortable with the conversation and the pressure or uncertainty of change, there might be a tendency to shift back into a relative comfort zone after an intense dialogue. The pattern you set out to correct could drift back into the therapy process. The rule of thumb is this: After a disruptive conversation, revisit the conversation and the commitments both you and the client have made to shift the process; follow up on these commitments in every session and whenever relevant CRBs or T1s or T2s happen until doing so is clearly no longer necessary. SUMMARY • “Evoking” means calling forward CRB in therapy in order to give you and the client the opportunity to shape more effective responses (CRB2). • Evoking is guided by functional thinking. • The balance between courage and compassion ensures that evoking remains appetitive for clients rather than coercive or aversive. • It’s often important to be just as compassionate toward CRB1 as CRB2. • See the 2 in the 1: notice the adaptive, therapeutic function in the behavior that might seem ineffective on its surface.