4 具备觉知、勇气和爱的态度

第四章

意识、勇气与爱的立场

我怎么知道你是好人？ 你不知道。你得冒险一试。 ——科马克·麦卡锡

回想一下，当你为了接近某人而冒了巨大的风险时的情景——大到让你的手在颤抖或说话结巴。回忆那一刻你的脆弱感。我不敢相信我真的要说这个……但无论出于什么原因，你决定这条信息或真相足够重要，值得你跳下悬崖。

无论你想象接下来会发生什么，在那些想法之下，很可能有一种本能的脆弱感。世界退到了背景中，你自己的感觉浮现出来。你变得非常专注于对方正在说什么，或者通过表情或姿态传达的信息。

对方是否给了你一个安慰的微笑，让你继续说下去？ 对方是否不耐烦地在座位上挪动，并看向门口？

然后——如果你很幸运的话——记得当对方慷慨地叹了口气并说：“我很高兴你告诉我这些。我完全理解你的感受。”时，你感到的那种解脱。

在本章中，我们介绍另一种功能分析框架：意识、勇气和爱（ACL；Kanter, Holman, & Wilson, 2014; Tsai, Callaghan, & Kohlenberg, 2013）。我们开发了这个框架，以帮助临床医生将对社会联系的评估导向几个关键的功能行为类别——这些类别由科学发现确定，涉及亲密关系的发展。具体来说，在健康的亲密关系中，有一个关键模式反复出现：一个人进行脆弱的自我披露（例如，勇气），另一个人则以理解、关心或验证的方式回应（例如，爱）。

数十年的研究证实了这一模式（Reis, 2007; Reis, Collins, & Berscheid, 2000）。在我们自己的研究实验室中，我们表明，听者对脆弱披露的响应（即爱）是产生亲密感的关键因素：学生之间互相分享个人经历时，只有当他们的伴侣表现出理解和验证的迹象时，才会报告社会联系的增加（Haworth et al., 2015）。鉴于所有现有的证据，包括我们自己的经验，如果来访的呈现问题涉及亲密关系的困难，我们认为评估ACL可能是值得的。

在ACL框架中，“勇气”指的是尽管感到厌恶（如恐惧、羞耻、谨慎或不确定）但仍向他人开放分享。马克·吐温曾这样描述勇气：“勇气是对恐惧的抵抗，对恐惧的掌控——而不是没有恐惧”（1894, p. 155）。我们的勇气定义不仅限于言语，还包括其他向他人靠近的行为：手势、身体语言、服务行为、礼物，甚至保持沉默或仅仅与他人同在。在FAP中，勇气被定义为尽管厌恶仍向他人靠近的共同功能线索。

类似地，在ACL框架中，爱对应于响应性，特别是以一种增强对方勇气的方式来回应他人。“爱”的定义也很广泛，不仅仅是我们所说的，还包括所有欢迎他人勇气的方式，比如同意请求、尊重地倾听，有时甚至是说“不”——但要让对方感到被理解、接受和尊重。

当两个人相互做出勇敢的行为，并以充满爱心的方式回应对方的勇敢行为时，这种连接感往往会随着时间的推移而产生。这种勇气与爱之间的联系可以用行为术语来理解：一个人通过自我披露（勇敢地）向另一个人靠近，从而使自己受到影响。当另一方提供响应（爱）作为结果时，第一个人的行为得到了强化，从而随着时间的推移，各种形式的接近行为频率增加。相反，我们倾向于停止向那些不响应的人敞开心扉。

这个过程在社交生活中无处不在。它发生在小事情上：例如，两个陌生人相遇并逐渐了解对方，可能是在他们第一天一起工作或上学时，其中一人透露了一些关于自己的事情（如他成长的地方），另一人则表现出响应（如分享与那个地方相关的记忆或谈论她成长的地方）。它也发生在大事上，比如求婚——对于提出者来说这是一个极其脆弱的时刻，对方的响应（或缺乏响应）具有重大意义。当然，它还发生在介于这两者之间的无数情境中，比如一对夫妇下班回家后，一方想要倾诉一天的经历（披露），而另一方则带着爱意倾听（响应），而不是因为疲惫而忽视她。

这种勇气-爱的过程也在心理治疗中发生。来访进行脆弱的披露（这在其他情况下可能会遇到某种厌恶反应），而治疗师则旨在响应，以促进治疗的方式强化披露。如果这个过程没有发生，通常会有一个根本的问题。治疗关系需要脆弱性和响应性；没有它们，治疗师就无法接触到来访的脆弱心理过程，更不用说对其产生任何影响。

在基本的勇气-爱链中，FAP增加了“意识”：知道何时以及如何根据即时情境向某人做出勇敢的行为或提供充满爱心的响应的能力。我们认识到，“勇气”和“爱”这两个词可能会引发某些期望，认为这些行为看起来应该是什么样的。这三个词（意识、勇气和爱）确实因其生动性而被选择。然而，至关重要的是将这些词视为功能类别。因此，携带这些功能的行为可以采取许多不同的形式。勇气可能包括从泪流满面的披露到礼貌的请求，再到仅仅与对你愤怒的人待在同一房间。爱可能包括从温柔的眼神交流到激情的独白。

正如FIAT中的语言一样，这些功能类别只是功能分析的起点，而在特定案例中，它们中的任何一个或全部可能并不一定都涉及。通过评估，你的任务是确定ACL概念化在特定情况下是否有用或有效。

除了作为功能思考的框架，本章的讨论还应提供关于社会连接如何运作的见解，以及自我反思的机会。尽管社会连接对人类福祉和心理痛苦有着重要的影响，但我们的经验表明，许多临床医生并没有深入理解社会连接的工作机制，更不用说从情境行为科学的角度来理解了。因此，鉴于社会连接与治疗关系之间的重叠，意识、勇气和爱的框架也为思考你的治疗关系提供了一种有用的方式。

在接下来的部分中，我们将分别并更深入地讨论意识、勇气和爱。然后，我们将提出有关功能分析的建议。在本章接近尾声时，我们将再次审视意识、勇气和爱是如何结合在一起的，并描述ACL如何影响FAP中的治疗师的人际立场。

意识

“意识”广泛指的是在社交情境中对当前时刻发生的事情保持清醒和敏锐。这意味着要意识到自己、对方以及你们之间正在发生的事情。相反，缺乏意识会导致人处于自动驾驶状态，脱离当下，更多地沉浸在思维中，而不是完全灵活且专注于当下的体验。意识的核心功能之一是能够注意到并采取行动，以向他人展示勇气或爱的行为。另一个功能是跟踪这些行为是否增加了联系，并根据需要进行调整。

在帮助那些需要改善社会连接的来访时，试着设身处地为他们着想。当你与他人互动时，你会倾向于关注哪些事情？你会倾向于思考些什么？如果来访在社会连接方面存在问题，ACL框架提示主要问题可能是意识：他们没有关注正确的事情。在这种情况下，解决方案的一个重要部分可能是让这些来访发展更好的社交互动意识，这可能包括思考具体的方法来最大化互动的成功。作为治疗师，你的任务可能是评估来访在以下三个关键领域的自我意识和对他人的意识。

• 当下的身体感觉、想法和情绪：这种意识的第一方面，也许是最基础的方面，类似于正念：以接受和不评判的态度去觉察自己正在经历的感受和体验，并对自己当下的想法和反应保持灵活的视角。
• 价值观、需求、目标和身份：建立更紧密的社会联系需要在互动中意识到亲社会的价值观、需求和目标。这涉及能够回答诸如“我为什么参与这个互动？”、“我的目标是什么？”、“我是谁，我希望成为什么样的人？”以及“我最好的自我是什么样的？”等问题。在互动过程中，拥有某种活在当下的意识通常是有用的。记住更为局限的交往方式带来的长期成本也有助于这一点。
• 他人：人们在互动时也需要意识到对方。这显然是困难的，因为没有人能接触到他人的私人想法和情感。这种形式的意识成分包括换位思考、同理心、注意肢体语言的细微差别，以及提问以增加意识——有时简单到问一句“你现在感觉怎么样？”通过询问反馈，也可以塑造对当下如何影响他人的意识，这是另一种关系技能；例如，问“你对我所说的话有什么反应？”

这些形式的意识通常需要平衡。有些人似乎过于关注他人而忽视了自己，而另一些人则过于关注自己。评估这些不平衡的影响可以是功能分析的重要组成部分。

意识的最终目标是使人们更有可能做出功能性行为：比如，展现出有效的勇气和爱的行为，或者从事朝着目标或价值观前进的行为，而不是远离它们。在与来访工作时，一种有助于构建意识任务的方式可能是谈论对勇气或爱或其他CRB2（即此时此地发生的改进行为）机会的意识。

从行为学的角度来看，意识可以被视为一种改变功能的行为。例如，通过意识，过去引发回避的情境可以被赋予新的、更具适应性的功能。考虑一个有创伤史的来访，她避免任何让她感到焦虑的人际互动，这导致了她与伴侣关系中的困难。最终，通过治疗，她可能会注意到在某些人际情境中，她的心跳加快，并能识别自己的情绪为“焦虑”。她也可能发展出能力，注意到这些情境与她的创伤经历有相似之处。她还可能注意到，在这一刻，伴侣的态度传达的是安全和支持，而不是威胁。然后，她可能会提醒自己，与伴侣建立联系的价值比退缩更重要。通过这种方式，意识的过程可以增加她有意义地参与互动的机会，而不是回避。

勇气

作为提醒，在FAP中，“勇气”指的是脆弱的自我披露，这在不同的关系和不同的时刻可以采取多种形式。在所有这些情境中，勇敢的行为可能涉及几个关键的功能类别。首先是存在某种脆弱性、风险或行为结果的不确定性；这个人并不完全确定他所做的事情会被对方接受或认可。其次是这个人正在揭示或表达关于自己的某些事情——即自我披露。第三是这个人正在请求他所需要的东西。我们将在接下来的部分分别探讨这三个类别，但首先我们将它们综合起来定义“勇气”为：尽管存在脆弱性，仍能在社交情境中适当地、有意义地、全面且有效地表达自己。

选择体验脆弱

情感上的脆弱是建立亲密关系和社会互动的基础。脆弱类似于接纳与承诺疗法中的意愿概念。它涉及到允许自己在人际环境中体验脆弱性和情绪，而不是压抑、否认或以其他方式避免这样做。勇气的这一方面并不要求人们说些什么；他们只需要全然地出现，并意识到自己的感受。即使他们没有用言语表达他们的经历，别人通常也能看到或感受到不同。

提供自我披露

本质上，“自我披露”意味着向他人描述自己在当下的觉察，包括感受、想法、记忆、价值观和身份认同。对于来访来说，你可以称之为“说出你的真相”或“从心底说话”。这不同于带着特定目标或请求来表达自己（这部分将在下一节讨论）；这是为了被理解、被看见、被听见或被验证而表达自己。这种行为可以简单到说“我累了”，也可以复杂到分享自己的性创伤历史或向家人出柜。

请求满足需求

请求满足需求是勇气的一个重要类别，因为在关系中，人们需要能够提出各种各样的请求。以下是其中一些最重要的子类别：

• 亲近：寻求更深层次的连接或表达希望与某人更加亲近的愿望：“我希望与你感觉更紧密。”“我想告诉你更多关于我正在挣扎的事情，因为我非常重视你对这些事情的看法。”
• 界限与坚定：设定界限或给出负面反馈，并要求其他人改变行为：“当你在最后一刻取消我们的会议时，对我来说很难处理。我们可以找到一种方法来防止这种情况在未来发生吗？”
• 支持：请求他人的帮助。人们常见的障碍之一是难以接受自己值得帮助并且有权提出请求：“我想请你帮个大忙。你愿意这周帮我搬家吗？这对我来说意义重大。”
• 反馈：请求他人提供意见，无论是正面还是批评性的：“你能告诉我你在工作中认为我做得好的地方，以及我认为我可以改进的地方吗？”

当然，有时人们会以非直接请求的形式表达他们的需求，但仍然起到请求的作用。这些可以涵盖从基本的“我们没牛奶了”到“哇，我真的觉得经济上很紧张”——一个来访在收到账单的同一周说的。

需要注意的是，请求满足需求在功能上与自我披露不同。在自我披露的情况下，响应相对简单（虽然不一定容易）：重要的是响应传达理解和验证——承认个人的经历是真实的且有意义。对于具体的请求，理解和验证是不够的。这个人想要的是所请求的内容——或者至少是一个承认请求的响应：“我明白你想要什么，但我无法给你。”

爱

如前所述，“爱”是指当他人以勇敢的方式与我们互动时，我们如何回应。首先，我们是否意识到对方通过选择体验脆弱和情绪、提供自我披露或请求满足需求是在做一件勇敢的事？然后，我们能否以充满爱心的方式回应，或者至少不使对方后悔伸出援手？最终，爱涉及为对方的利益行事。在ACL框架中，有效回应他人勇气的爱特别值得关注，因为这种响应在创造社会联系中扮演着重要角色。这种响应需要对对方的需求有意识——这种意识往往依赖于同理心和换位思考。

在这个一般框架内，区分上述勇气类别与匹配它们的具体形式的爱之间的几个自然功能配对是有用的。

• 提供安全和接纳——与选择体验脆弱和情绪相配：当他人选择变得脆弱并表达他们的情感体验时，他们在最基本的层面上需要的是安全和接纳。我们将在第五章进一步讨论这一点。现在，我们只想强调安全和接纳的重要性。当人们遇到明确表达的接纳时，他们会更容易感到脆弱，这种接纳创造了安全感。

表达理解、验证和同理心——与自我披露相配

表达理解、验证和同理心是大多数治疗师的基本技能；我们受过训练，能够反映和总结来访对我们说的话。在ACL框架中，这些回应被认为是特别有效的，尤其是在人们进行使自己感到脆弱的自我披露时。当人们感到脆弱时，他们需要感到被理解和验证。有时一个简单的理解表达就足够了：“我听到了你的话”，或者“我理解你的意思。”在其他时候，可能需要更详细的理解表达，比如反馈你所理解的内容。

给予所需——与请求满足需求相配

当某人提出具体请求时，回应也应该是具体的。这要求有意识地准确且敏感地识别所需，即使对方的沟通是间接或隐晦的。以下是几种回应类别。如你所见，大多数都与上面“请求满足需求”下的勇气行为有关。

• 提供亲近：这从非语言行为开始：提供专注的姿态，进行眼神交流，并展示其他参与的迹象。口头提供亲近可以采取多种形式，大多数都需要勇气。以这种方式行动继续了勇气-爱的循环并加深了联系。
• 尊重界限并接受反馈：当某人进行与设定界限或给出建设性负面反馈相关的勇敢行为时，充满爱心的回应表现出对这些界限的尊重或对反馈的开放态度。
• 道歉：当某人进行与给出负面反馈相关的勇敢行为时，充满爱心的回应通常需要在适当程度上真诚道歉。
• 承诺：这是以爱心方式回应他人的重要技能，但做好这一点可能具有挑战性甚至令人害怕。重要的是人们要考虑他们真正能承诺并贯彻执行的事情。换句话说，承诺不应过于宽泛或乐观。现实的承诺建立更多的信任：“我想让你知道我会一直认真对待你。我不能保证总是能满足你的所有需求，但我可以承诺我会努力理解你的请求并尽我所能。”
• 表达感激：这可以包括描述我们欣赏他人的品质或描述他们如何做了有益的事情。不幸的是，人们很少听到别人详细描述他们的积极品质，因此具体化通常是受欢迎的。就像许多这种形式的爱一样，表达真挚的情感增强了联系。
• 互惠披露：认识到他人的脆弱性并以相应的脆弱性回应是很重要的，因为这种互惠是亲密关系中的自然方面。当然，在治疗中这种互惠并不总是合适的，但只要是有功能性的、平衡的和适时的，治疗师的一些自我披露可能是重要的。

当然，我们并不是提倡无条件地满足所有请求。这是不可能的，并且并非所有请求都是合理的。此外，学会应对他人拒绝请求是一种关键技能——人们只有在请求未得到满足时才能学会这一点。然而，即使在拒绝请求时，我们也可以将爱带入我们的回应中。

自爱

我们发现另一种有用的爱的变体是自爱。自爱是指以关怀、接纳、同情、爱护和支持的方式回应自己。当人们进行了勇敢的行为但没有得到爱的回应，或者处于普遍缺乏响应的情境中时，自爱尤为重要。对于那些工作环境不提供太多滋养的人，包括那些面对抗拒脆弱性而提供大量抵抗或攻击的来访的治疗师来说，自爱也是至关重要的。FAP关注自爱的三个关键方面。

• 自我接纳：这只是意味着对自己意识到的一切带来接纳。这个话题在接纳与承诺疗法和正念文献中已经得到了深入探讨。在FAP中，我们认为在处理亲密关系和社会关系时，自我接纳是至关重要的。
• 接受他人的爱：将接受他人的爱纳入“自爱”的范畴可能看起来有些奇怪。然而，拒绝或忽视他人试图提供的帮助、支持或爱常常是一种自我否定的形式，也许包裹在诸如“我不值得”或“我不配得到帮助”这样的信念中。因此，我们认为接受他人的爱在功能上是一种自爱行为。
• 自我照顾：这指的是安抚、平静、恢复或充电的活动，或是带来快乐的活动。这类活动的一个功能是它们允许人们在其他情境中继续有效地行动。在ACL框架中，我们专注于帮助人们应对关系困难的自我照顾。当人们尽最大努力却不起作用时，当他们害怕到不知道该怎么办时，或者当他们因压力互动而筋疲力尽时，自我照顾是至关重要的。

ACL 作为 FAP 治疗师的人际立场

在FAP的核心中，治疗工作是在治疗关系中以体现社会连接过程的方式进行的，并受到功能分析的指导。因此，觉察、勇气和爱不仅适用于来访的行为，也同样适用于治疗师的态度。通过将体现觉察、勇气和爱的行为带入治疗室，你也可以为来访树立这些行为的榜样。为此，在与来访的互动过程中，这里有一些关键问题需要问自己。

• 觉察：你是否意识到此刻你自己以及你的来访（在可察觉的范围内）正在发生的事情？你是否意识到当前情境的功能？特别是，你是否意识到有机会进行勇气或爱的行为？你是否意识到来访对这些机会的觉察？
• 勇气：你是否策略性地、有效地、富有同情心地打破来访无效的关系模式，包括通过回避的方式？你是否愿意与来访一起感受走出舒适区所带来的不适或不确定性？
• 爱：你是否在创造一个接纳、理解和响应的环境，让来访感到被欢迎，能够勇敢而脆弱地披露他所经历的事情和当下发生的事情，即使这些事情与你有关？特别是，当出现改善时，你是否能及时回应，以强化这些改善？
• 自爱：当来访对你的治疗努力反应不佳，你感到沮丧或不确定时，你能否采取一些自我照顾的方式，来激发你继续作为这个人的积极变革力量的动力？

请记住，FAP中的治疗态度是基于功能定义的。我们并不是要求你在每次会谈中都深呼吸并说出冒险的、戏剧性的话，也不是要求你哭泣并表达你对来访勇气的感动——尽管如果你觉得这样做对你和来访都是真实的，你可以这么做。勇气和爱可以有多种形式：微妙的、谦逊的、谨慎的、幽默的、自豪的、庆祝的、激进的、温柔的、深刻的、敬畏的、不敬的等等。跟随功能，而不是形式。

基于ACL的功能分析

基于ACL的功能分析涉及从觉察、勇气和爱这三大功能类别来理解来访的具体行为（或缺乏行为，如不采取勇敢的风险）或你在治疗关系中的行为。

如果来访在社交连接方面遇到困难，一种简单的方法是考虑他们在觉察、勇气或爱领域是否存在缺陷。如果存在，你可以通过塑造在人际环境中对来访有效的觉察、勇气或爱的行为来解决这些缺陷。在帮助来访建立社交连接时，如果这些术语对他们没有实际作用，你甚至不必使用“觉察”、“勇气”或“爱”这样的术语。这些术语只是功能的标签。你可以改用诸如注意、关注、同理心、承担风险、愿意、关心、支持、尊重等词语。

更具体地说，你可以在这些功能类别中寻找CRB1（临床相关行为）。对于觉察，来访的CRB1可能包括在社交情境中不关注目标、不考虑他人观点或对他人做出无根据的假设。对于勇气，来访的CRB1可能表现为完全避免勇敢的行为，或者以不能促进连接的方式表现出勇气，例如过早地变得过于脆弱或过于苛求。至于与爱相关的CRB1，可能包括不对他人作出回应，或以对他人不起作用的方式作出回应。

将焦点放在会谈过程中，你可能会发现来访在与你互动时在觉察、勇气或爱的行为库中存在不足，并且通过功能分析，你可能会将这些不足与会话之外的问题联系起来。同样，你也可能会注意到自己在一般情况下或特定来访面前，在觉察、勇气或爱的行为库中存在的一些问题。提醒一下，对于治疗师来说，勇气并不主要体现在情感上脆弱的自我披露——尽管有时这可能是重要的。更常见的是，它涉及到给出某些类型的反馈或提出那些可能影响关系或你专业知识的请求。

综合应用

觉察、勇气和爱通常最好在它们相互作用的背景下进行评估，特别是针对特定人在特定情境中的功能关系。鉴于本章开头概述了勇气和爱之间的互惠联系，这一点对于勇气和爱尤为重要。你可以通过以下问题来探究这种联系：

• 你是否意识到自己有机会进行勇敢或充满爱心的行为？
• 你是否注意到他人对你进行了勇敢或充满爱心的行为？
• 你在提供爱心回应时是否表现出勇气？
• 你在提供勇敢回应时是否足够有爱心？

当然，ACL 的这三个方面是相互作用的。没有勇气的觉察可能导致知道自己的困境但感觉无能为力；而没有能力展示或接受爱的觉察可能会让人感到空虚或失落。缺乏觉察的勇气可能导致从轻率到危险的风险行为，而没有爱的勇气则可能导致对他人造成痛苦后果的鲁莽反应。最后，没有勇气或觉察的爱可能变成一种无力的善意或关怀，个人从不冒险做任何大胆或具有挑战性的事情，或者他错过了与他人经历的准确连接。

这些例子说明了来访在觉察、勇气和爱以及它们之间平衡方面可能遇到的问题。它们也展示了ACL框架如何支持个性化的评估。

快速评估 ACL

我们将以一组问题结束本章，你可以用这些问题快速评估ACL过程。我们为本章前面提到的觉察、勇气和爱的每个方面都准备了一个问题，希望这个评估工具也能帮助你记住并跟踪整个ACL模型。向来访提出以下问题，并考虑不同情境（例如，不同的关系）如何影响行为模式：

觉察

• 你是否注意到自己的想法和感受？
• 你知道自己的需求或价值观，并且对自己的目标和身份有认识吗？
• 你是否注意到他人的感受和需求？

勇气

• 你是否能够开放地表达脆弱和情感？
• 你是否真诚地分享你的感受和想法？
• 你是否会请求你需要的东西？

爱

• 你是否帮助他人感到安全和安心？
• 你是否表达同理心和理解，并提供验证？
• 你是否给予他人他们需要的东西？
• 你是否接受他人的爱？

总结

• ACL（觉察、勇气和爱） 是一个功能分析框架，研究显示它涉及社会连接和治疗关系。
• 觉察 涉及关注自己——包括你当下的体验以及随时间变化的价值观和目标——以及他人，特别是为了注意到可以进行勇敢或充满爱心（或其他有效）行为的机会。
• 勇气 涉及尽管存在潜在的脆弱性或厌恶感，仍然向另一个人靠近。勇敢的行为包括情感上的脆弱、自我披露和提出请求。
• 爱 涉及以响应、接纳和富有同情心的方式回应他人的脆弱或勇敢行为。
• ACL框架 定义了FAP中提倡的治疗关系立场的重要方面。

本章知识点阐述

知识点阐述

1. 意识、勇气与爱（ACL）框架

   • 定义：ACL框架是一种功能分析方法，用于评估和理解在建立亲密关系中的关键行为类别，包括意识、勇气和爱。
   • 重要性：ACL框架帮助临床医生更好地理解来访在建立亲密关系中的行为模式，从而制定有效的干预策略。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过询问来访的具体行为和情境，识别出勇气和爱的行为表现，并引导来访发展这些行为。

2. 勇气的行为表现

   • 定义：勇气是指尽管感到不适（如恐惧、羞耻等）但仍向他人开放分享的行为。
   • 重要性：勇气是建立亲密关系的重要步骤，有助于打破隔阂，促进彼此的理解和信任。
   • 具体实践：鼓励来访在安全的环境中进行自我披露，表达真实的情感和需求，即使这可能让他们感到不安。

3. 爱的行为表现

   • 定义：爱是指以理解和接纳的方式回应他人，增强对方的勇气。
   • 重要性：爱的回应能够强化对方的勇气行为，促进双方的亲密感和社会联系。
   • 具体实践：治疗师应示范和教授如何以积极的方式回应来访的勇气行为，如倾听、肯定和支持。

4. 意识的作用

   • 定义：意识是指知道何时以及如何根据即时情境做出勇敢的行为或提供充满爱心的响应。
   • 重要性：意识使个体能够在适当的时间和情境下采取有效的行动，从而促进关系的发展。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以帮助来访提高对自己和他人情绪状态的敏感度，学会在不同情境下做出合适的反应。

5. 勇气-爱过程的应用

   • 定义：勇气-爱过程是指在亲密关系中，一个人通过自我披露展现勇气，另一个人则以爱的方式回应，从而建立和加强连接。
   • 重要性：这个过程不仅适用于日常人际交往，也适用于心理治疗，有助于建立治疗关系。
   • 具体实践：在治疗过程中，治疗师应鼓励来访进行自我披露，并通过理解和接纳的方式回应，逐步建立信任和亲密感。

6. 功能类别的灵活性

   • 定义：勇气和爱的行为可以采取多种形式，不一定局限于特定的表现方式。
   • 重要性：理解这一点有助于治疗师灵活应对不同来访的情况，找到最适合的干预方法。
   • 具体实践：治疗师应根据来访的具体情况，识别和鼓励适合其个性和情境的勇气和爱的行为。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用ACL框架，提高治疗效果。同时，治疗师的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

知识点阐述

1. 意识的作用

   • 定义：意识是指在社交情境中对当前时刻发生的事情保持清醒和敏锐，包括对自己、对方以及双方互动的觉察。
   • 重要性：意识是有效沟通和社会连接的基础。它帮助个体识别和把握展现勇气或爱的机会，并跟踪这些行为的效果。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过引导来访进行正念练习，提高他们对当下感受、想法和情绪的觉察，从而增强他们的意识。

2. 自我意识与他人意识的平衡

   • 定义：自我意识是对自身感受、需求和目标的觉察；他人意识是对对方感受、需求和反应的觉察。
   • 重要性：在社交互动中，两者需要平衡。过度关注一方会导致互动失衡，影响关系的质量。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过角色扮演、情景模拟等方式，帮助来访练习换位思考和同理心，增强对他人的意识。

3. 价值观、需求、目标和身份的意识

   • 定义：在互动中，个体需要清楚自己的价值观、需求、目标和身份，以便更好地指导自己的行为。
   • 重要性：明确这些要素有助于个体在互动中保持一致性和目的性，促进更深层次的连接。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以帮助来访通过反思练习和对话，探索和澄清自己的价值观、需求和目标，从而增强自我意识。

4. 意识的功能转换

   • 定义：意识可以将过去引发回避的情境转化为具有新功能的情境，使其更具适应性。
   • 重要性：通过意识，个体可以重新评估和处理过去的负面经历，从而减少回避行为，增强应对能力。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以引导来访通过认知重构和暴露疗法，逐步面对和处理触发焦虑的情境，培养新的应对策略。

5. 意识与功能性行为的关系

   • 定义：意识使个体更有可能做出功能性行为，如展现勇气和爱，或朝着目标和价值观前进。
   • 重要性：功能性行为有助于建立积极的人际关系，提升个体的整体幸福感。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过设定具体的互动目标和行动计划，鼓励来访在实际生活中实践这些功能性行为，从而巩固治疗效果。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用意识的概念，提高治疗效果。同时，治疗师的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

知识点阐述

1. 勇气的定义

   • 定义：在FAP中，勇气指的是在社交情境中，尽管存在脆弱性、风险或不确定性，仍能适当地、有意义地、全面且有效地表达自己。
   • 重要性：勇气是建立亲密关系和社会连接的关键因素，它促进了个体之间的理解和信任。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过角色扮演和情景模拟等方式，帮助来访练习在不同情境下展现勇气的行为。

2. 选择体验脆弱

   • 定义：选择体验脆弱是指允许自己在人际环境中体验脆弱性和情绪，而不是压抑或避免。
   • 重要性：情感上的脆弱是建立亲密关系的基础，有助于增强彼此之间的连接。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过正念练习和认知重构，帮助来访接受和表达自己的脆弱性，从而促进更深层次的连接。

3. 提供自我披露

   • 定义：自我披露是指向他人描述自己在当下的觉察，包括感受、想法、记忆、价值观和身份认同。
   • 重要性：自我披露有助于建立信任和理解，促进更深层次的社会连接。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过引导来访进行反思和对话，鼓励他们分享自己的真实感受和经历，从而增强自我披露的能力。

4. 请求满足需求

   • 定义：请求满足需求是指在关系中明确提出自己的需求，包括寻求亲近、设定界限、请求支持和反馈等。
   • 重要性：清晰地表达需求有助于建立健康的关系，促进双方的理解和支持。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过角色扮演和沟通技巧训练，帮助来访学会有效地表达自己的需求，并应对可能的拒绝或负面反应。

5. 爱的响应

   • 定义：爱是指当他人以勇敢的方式与我们互动时，我们能够以充满爱心的方式回应，为对方的利益行事。
   • 重要性：有效的爱的响应有助于建立和加强社会连接，促进个体之间的信任和支持。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过示范和教导同理心、换位思考等技能，帮助来访学会如何以充满爱心的方式回应他人的勇气行为。

6. 安全和接纳

   • 定义：当他人选择变得脆弱并表达他们的情感体验时，他们在最基本的层面上需要的是安全和接纳。
   • 重要性：安全和接纳是建立亲密关系的基础，有助于个体在社交情境中感到舒适和被支持。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过创建安全的治疗环境和积极的反馈机制，帮助来访体验到安全和接纳的感觉，从而增强他们的勇气行为。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用勇气和爱的概念，提高治疗效果。同时，治疗师的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

知识点阐述

1. 表达理解、验证和同理心

   • 定义：表达理解、验证和同理心是指通过言语或非言语方式向他人传达对其感受、想法的理解和认同。
   • 重要性：这种表达有助于建立信任和连接，特别是在他人感到脆弱时。它能让对方感到被听见和被理解，从而增强安全感。
   • 具体实践：治疗师可以通过倾听、反馈和情感共鸣来表达理解、验证和同理心。例如，简单地说“我理解你的感受”或详细复述对方的话，以确认自己的理解。

2. 给予所需

   • 定义：当他人提出具体请求时，给予适当的回应，满足其需求。
   • 重要性：明确和具体的回应有助于建立健康的关系，促进双方的理解和支持。
   • 具体实践：
     • 提供亲近：通过身体语言（如保持眼神接触）和言语表达关心和参与。
     • 尊重界限和接受反馈：当他人设定界限或提供反馈时，展现出尊重和开放的态度。
     • 道歉：在适当的情况下，真诚地道歉，以修复关系。
     • 承诺：做出实际可行的承诺，增强信任感。
     • 表达感激：具体指出他人的积极品质或行为，表达感激之情。
     • 互惠披露：适当地分享个人经历，以增强彼此之间的联系。

3. 自爱

   • 定义：自爱是指以关爱、接纳、同情和支持的方式对待自己。
   • 重要性：自爱有助于提高个体的自我价值感和幸福感，特别是在面对挫折和困难时。
   • 具体实践：
     • 自我接纳：接受自己的所有方面，包括弱点和不足。通过正念练习和自我反思，培养自我接纳。
     • 接受他人的爱：克服内心的障碍，接受他人的帮助和支持。认识到接受爱是自我成长的一部分。
     • 自我照顾：进行有助于身心放松和恢复的活动，如冥想、运动、兴趣爱好等。这些活动有助于个体在面对压力时保持良好的状态。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用爱的概念，不仅在与他人的互动中，也在个人成长和自我关爱中。同时，治疗师自身的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

知识点阐述

1. ACL 作为 FAP 治疗师的人际立场

   • 定义：在FAP中，治疗师应具备觉察、勇气和爱的态度，这不仅是对来访的要求，也是治疗师自身需要践行的原则。
   • 重要性：这种态度有助于建立一个安全和支持的治疗环境，促进来访的成长和改变。
   • 具体实践：
     • 觉察：治疗师应时刻保持对当前情境的觉察，包括自己的状态和来访的状态。同时，识别出可以展示勇气和爱的机会。
     • 勇气：治疗师应勇于打破来访的无效行为模式，尤其是在来访试图回避时。同时，治疗师应愿意与来访共同面对不安和不确定性。
     • 爱：治疗师应创建一个接纳、理解和响应的环境，鼓励来访勇敢地表达自己，即使这些表达可能涉及治疗师本人。
     • 自爱：当治疗进展不如预期时，治疗师应学会自我照顾，保持动力，继续成为来访的积极变革力量。

2. 基于ACL的功能分析

   • 定义：基于ACL的功能分析是一种方法，用于理解来访的具体行为或治疗师在治疗关系中的行为，从觉察、勇气和爱这三个功能类别出发。
   • 重要性：这种方法可以帮助治疗师识别来访在社交连接方面的障碍，并针对性地进行干预。
   • 具体实践：
     • 觉察：识别来访在社交情境中是否缺乏目标导向、忽略他人视角或做出无根据的假设。
     • 勇气：观察来访是否完全避免勇敢的行为，或以不促进连接的方式表现勇气。
     • 爱：评估来访是否对他人缺乏响应，或以不适当的方式响应他人。
     • 会谈过程中的应用：治疗师可以通过功能分析，将来访在会谈中的行为与其在日常生活中的问题联系起来，从而更好地理解来访的行为模式。

3. CRB1 的识别与处理

   • 定义：CRB1（临床相关行为）是指在功能分析中识别出的来访的具体行为，这些行为可能阻碍了他们的社交连接。
   • 重要性：通过识别和处理CRB1，治疗师可以更有针对性地帮助来访克服社交障碍。
   • 具体实践：
     • 觉察：治疗师应识别来访是否在社交情境中缺乏目标导向、忽视他人视角或做出无根据的假设。
     • 勇气：治疗师应观察来访是否完全避免勇敢的行为，或以不促进连接的方式表现勇气。
     • 爱：治疗师应评估来访是否对他人缺乏响应，或以不适当的方式响应他人。
     • 会谈过程中的应用：治疗师可以通过功能分析，将来访在会谈中的行为与其在日常生活中的问题联系起来，从而更好地理解来访的行为模式。

4. 治疗师的勇气

   • 定义：治疗师的勇气不仅指情感上的自我披露，还包括在必要时提供具有挑战性的反馈或提出可能影响关系的请求。
   • 重要性：治疗师的勇气行为有助于推动来访的成长和改变，同时也维护了治疗关系的健康。
   • 具体实践：
     • 提供反馈：治疗师应勇于提供具有建设性的反馈，即使这些反馈可能让来访感到不舒服。
     • 提出请求：治疗师应敢于提出可能影响关系的请求，例如要求来访尝试新的行为或面对自己的恐惧。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用ACL原则，不仅在与来访的互动中，也在个人成长和自我关爱中。同时，治疗师自身的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

知识点阐述

1. 综合应用

   • 定义：觉察、勇气和爱通常最好在它们相互作用的背景下进行评估，特别是在特定情境中对特定人来说的功能关系。
   • 重要性：这种综合评估有助于全面理解个体在社交互动和治疗关系中的表现，确保三个方面的平衡。
   • 具体实践：
     • 觉察：治疗师应引导来访识别自身和他人的情感、需求和行为模式。
     • 勇气：鼓励来访在面对脆弱性和不确定性时，勇于表达自己的感受和需求。
     • 爱：培养来访在回应他人时展现同理心、理解和接纳的能力。

2. 快速评估 ACL

   • 定义：通过一系列简短的问题，快速评估来访的觉察、勇气和爱的表现。
   • 重要性：这种快速评估工具可以帮助治疗师迅速了解来访在这些方面的现状，并据此制定干预策略。
   • 具体实践：
     • 觉察：询问来访是否注意到自己的想法和感受，以及他人的感受和需求。
     • 勇气：询问来访是否能够开放地表达脆弱和情感，是否真诚地分享自己的感受和想法，以及是否敢于提出自己的需求。
     • 爱：询问来访是否能够帮助他人感到安全和安心，是否能够表达同理心和理解，并提供验证，以及是否能够给予他人所需的东西，并接受他人的爱。

3. 总结

   • ACL框架：ACL（觉察、勇气和爱）是一个用于功能分析的框架，研究显示它在社会连接和治疗关系中起着重要作用。
   • 觉察：觉察涉及关注自己当前的感受和长期的价值观与目标，以及他人，尤其是为了识别可以进行勇敢或充满爱心行为的机会。
   • 勇气：勇气涉及在面对潜在的脆弱性或厌恶感时，仍然向他人靠近。勇敢的行为包括情感上的脆弱、自我披露和提出请求。
   • 爱：爱涉及以响应、接纳和富有同情心的方式回应他人的脆弱或勇敢行为。
   • 治疗关系：ACL框架定义了FAP中提倡的治疗关系立场的重要方面，强调了觉察、勇气和爱在建立有效治疗关系中的核心作用。

通过这些知识点，治疗师可以更好地理解和应用ACL原则，不仅在与来访的互动中，也在个人成长和自我关爱中。同时，治疗师自身的自我反思和持续改进也是提高治疗质量的关键。

CHAPTER 4 The Stance of Awareness, Courage, and Love How do I know you’re one of the good guys? You don’t. You’ll have to take a shot. —­Cormac McCarthy Remember a time when you took a massive risk to move toward someone—­massive enough that your hands were shaking or you stuttered your words. Recall how vulnerable you felt in that moment. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this… But, for whatever reason, you decided that the message or the truth was important enough to leap off this cliff. Whatever you imagined was going to happen next, it’s more than likely that underneath the thoughts there was a visceral sense of vulnerability. The world faded into the background. Your own sensations came to the fore. And you became acutely focused on what the other person was saying or communicating through an expression or posture. Was there a smile of reassurance saying to keep going? Was there an impatient shifting in the seat and a glance toward the door? And then—­if you were so lucky—­remember the relief you felt when the other person sighed generously and said, “I’m so glad you’re telling me this. I completely get where you’re coming from.” In this chapter, we introduce another framework for functional analysis: awareness, courage, and love (ACL; Kanter, Holman, & Wilson, 2014; Tsai, Callaghan, & Kohlenberg, 2013). We devel- oped this framework to help clinicians orient their assessment of social connection toward a few key functional classes of behavior—­identified by scientific findings—­involved in the development of close relationships. Specifically, there’s one key pattern that happens over and over again in healthy intimate relationships: one person engages in vulnerable self-­disclosure (for example, courage), and the other responds with understanding, caring, or validation (for example, love). Decades of research establish this pattern (Reis, 2007; Reis, Collins, & Berscheid, 2000). In our own research laboratory, we showed that the responsiveness (that is, love) of the person hearing the vulnerable disclosure is a crucial ingredient in the generation of closeness: students vulnerably disclosing personal experiences to each other only reported increased social connection when their partner responded with signs of understanding and validation (Haworth et al., 2015). Given all of the existing evidence, including our own experience, if your client’s presenting problem involves difficulty with intimacy, we venture that ACL may be worth assessing. In the ACL framework, “courage” refers to sharing openly with another person despite feeling something aversive, such as fear, shame, caution, or uncertainty. Mark Twain described courage in a similar way: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—­not absence of fear” (1894, p. 155). Our definition of courage goes beyond what is said to include other moves toward another person: gestures, body language, acts of service, gifts, or even holding one’s tongue or simply remaining present with another. In FAP, courage is defined by this common functional thread of moving toward someone despite aversion. In a similar vein, love in the ACL framework corresponds to responsiveness, particularly responding to another person in a way that reinforces that person’s courage. “Love” is also defined broadly, beyond what we say, and includes all the other ways we might welcome another person’s courage, such as agreeing to a request, listening respectfully, and sometimes even saying no—­in a way that makes the person feel understood, accepted, and respected for behaving courageously. Sense of connection tends to arise when two people, reciprocally and over time, make coura- geous moves toward each other and respond in loving ways to each other’s courageous moves. This link between courage and love can be readily understood in behavioral terms: one person moves (courageously) toward the other with self-­disclosure, opening herself up to influence as a result. When the other provides responsiveness (love) as a consequence, the first person’s move is rein- forced, such that over time moves of various forms toward another increase in frequency. On the flip side, we tend to stop opening up to those who aren’t responsive. This process is pervasive in social life. It happens in small ways: for example, when two strang- ers meet and get to know each other, perhaps during their first day together at work or school, with one revealing something about himself (such as where he was raised) and the other showing respon- siveness (such as by sharing a memory linked to that place or talking about where she was raised). It also happens in really big ways, such as a marriage proposal—­a huge moment of vulnerability for the asker in which the other person’s responsiveness (or lack thereof) has massive implications. And, of course, it happens in countless ways that lie between these extremes, such as when a couple comes home from two respectively long days at work and one partner wants to vent about her day (disclosure), and the other listens with love (responsiveness) rather than tuning her out because he’s tired. This courage-­love process also happens in psychotherapy. Clients engage in vulnerable disclo- sure (which in other contexts may be met with some kind of aversive response), and the therapist aims to be responsive, reinforcing disclosure in a way that serves therapy. If this process isn’t hap- pening, there’s often a fundamental problem. A therapeutic relationship requires vulnerability and responsiveness; without them, the therapist won’t have access to the client’s vulnerable psychologi- cal processes, much less have any influence over those processes. To this basic courage-­love chain, FAP adds “awareness”: the capacity to know when and how to make a courageous move toward someone or to offer a loving response in a way that fits the immedi- ate context. We recognize that the terms “courage” and “love” might evoke expectations that these behaviors will look a certain way. And all three terms (awareness, courage, and love) were indeed chosen for their vividness. However, it’s critical to see these terms as functional classes. And as such, behavior carrying these functions can take a lot of different forms. Courage might include anything from a tearful disclosure to a polite request to simply staying in the room with someone who’s furious with you. Love might include anything from soft eye contact to an impassioned soliloquy. As with the language in the FIAT, these functional classes are only starting points for functional analysis, and any or all of them may not necessarily be involved in a given client’s situation. It’s your job, through assessment, to sort out whether and how the ACL conceptualization might be useful or valid in a particular case. In addition to serving as a framework for functional thinking, the discussion in this chapter should also offer insight about how social connection works as well as an opportunity for self-­ reflection. Despite the importance of social connection to human well-­being and its involvement with psychological suffering, it has been our experience that many clinicians don’t understand how social connection works in great depth, let alone from a contextual behavioral science perspective. In turn, given the overlap between social connection and the therapeutic relationship, the aware- ness, courage, and love framework also provides a useful way of thinking about your therapy relationships. In the sections that follow, we’ll discuss awareness, courage, and love separately and in greater depth. Then, we’ll offer suggestions regarding functional analysis. Toward the end of the chapter, we’ll take another look at how awareness, courage, and love fit together. We’ll also describe how ACL informs the therapist’s interpersonal stance in FAP. AWARENESS “Awareness” broadly refers to being awake and alive to what’s happening in the present moment in a social situation. This means being aware of yourself, the other person, and what’s happening between the two of you. In contrast, lack of awareness results in one being on autopilot, discon- nected from the present moment and more engaged with the mind than being fully flexible and present in the moment. A key function at the center of awareness is the ability to notice and act upon opportunities to engage in courage or love behaviors toward others. Another is to track whether these moves increase connection, and then make adjustments as necessary. When working with clients who need help with social connection, imagine yourself in their shoes. What kinds of things would you tend to pay attention to when interacting with others? What kinds of things would you tend to think about? If clients are having problems with social connection, the ACL framework suggests that a primary issue might be awareness: they aren’t paying attention to the right things. In this case, a big part of the solution is probably for these clients to develop a better awareness of social interactions, which could include thinking about specific ways to maximize the success of an interaction. As a therapist, your task might therefore be to assess your clients’ self-­awareness and awareness of others in the following three key areas. Present-­moment bodily sensations, thoughts, and feelings: This first, and perhaps foundational, aspect of awareness is comparable to mindfulness: bringing accepting, nonjudgmental awareness to what one is feeling and experiencing as it happens, and having a flexible perspective on one’s thoughts and reactions as they happen. Values, needs, goals, and identity: Developing closer social connections requires being aware of prosocial values, needs, and goals in interactions. This involves being able to answer questions like “Why am I engaging in the interaction?” “What is my goal?” “Who am I and who do I yearn to be?” and “What is my best self?” It’s often useful to have some kind of living, present-­ moment awareness of these things as interactions occur. It can also help to remember the longer-­term costs of more limiting ways of relating. Others: People also need to be aware of the other person when interacting. This can be difficult for the obvious reason that no one has access to other people’s private thoughts and emotions. The ingredients of this form of awareness are perspective taking, empathy, noticing nuances in body language, and asking questions to increase awareness—­sometimes something as simple as “What are you feeling right now?” Shaping awareness of how one is impacting others in the moment can also be accomplished by asking for feedback, another type of relational skill; for example, asking “How are you responding to what I’m saying?” These forms of awareness must generally be balanced. Some people seem to be overly focused on others at the expense of themselves. Others are overly focused on themselves. Assessing the impact of these imbalances can be an important part of the functional analysis. The ultimate goal of awareness is to make it more likely that people do something functional: engage in effective courage and love behaviors, for instance, or engage in behaviors that move them toward goals or values rather than away. When working with clients, one helpful way of framing the task of awareness may be to talk about awareness of opportunities for courage or love or other CRB2s. In behavioral terms, awareness may be seen as a behavior that transforms function. For example, through awareness, situations that in the past evoked avoidance can take on new functions that are more adaptive. Consider a client with a history of trauma who avoids any interpersonal interaction that makes her feel anxious, which is causing difficulty in her relationship with her partner. Eventually, through therapy, she may notice that in certain interpersonal situations she feels her heart beating faster and can identify her emotions as “anxious.” She may also develop the capacity to notice that these situations share similarities with her trauma experiences. And she may notice too how her partner’s demeanor in the moment communicates safety and support, not threat. She may then remind herself of her values about connecting with her partner rather than withdrawing. In this way, the process of awareness can increase her chances of engaging in interactions in a meaningful way, rather than avoiding. COURAGE As a reminder, in FAP, “courage” refers to vulnerable disclosure, which can take many different forms in different relationships and at different moments. Across all these contexts, courageous behavior may involve several key functional categories. The first is that there is some vulnerability, risk, or uncertainty about the outcome of the behavior; the person isn’t completely sure that what he’s doing will be received well or accepted by the other. The second is that the person is revealing or expressing something about himself—­self-­disclosure. The third is that the person is asking for what he needs. We’ll look at each of these three categories individually in the sections that follow, but first we’ll put them all together to define “courage” as being able to, despite vulnerability, express oneself appropriately, meaningfully, fully, and effectively in social situations. Choosing to Experience Vulnerability Emotional vulnerability is fundamental to the specific kind of social interaction that builds closeness and intimacy. Vulnerability is comparable to the concept of willingness in acceptance and commitment therapy. It involves allowing oneself to experience vulnerability and emotion in an interpersonal context, rather than suppressing, denying, or otherwise avoiding doing so. This aspect of courage doesn’t require that people say anything; they only have to show up fully, with awareness of what they’re feeling. Even if they don’t express their experience verbally, others can often see or feel the difference. Offering Self-­Disclosure In essence, “self-­disclosure” means describing to others what one is aware of in the moment, including feelings, thoughts, memories, values, and sense of identity. With clients, you could refer to it as “speaking your truth” or “speaking from your heart.” This is different from expressing oneself with a more particular goal or request in mind (covered in the next section); it’s expressing oneself simply to be understood, seen, heard, or validated. This behavior could be as simple as saying “I’m tired,” or it could be as complex as sharing one’s history of sexual trauma or coming out of the closet to family members. Asking for a Need to Be Met Asking for what one needs is a huge category of courage because there are all sorts of things people need to be able to ask for in relationships. Here are a few of the most important subcategories: Closeness involves seeking a deeper connection or expressing a desire to get closer to someone: “I’d like to feel more connected to you.” “I’d like to tell you more about what I’m struggling with, because I greatly value your perspective on these things.” Boundaries and assertiveness involve setting limits or otherwise giving negative feedback and requesting that others behave differently: “It’s difficult for me when you cancel our meetings at the last minute. Can we find a way to prevent this from happening in the future?” Support involves asking others for help. A common hang-­up for people is that they have difficulty accepting that they’re worthwhile and deserving of help and entitled to make requests: “I’d like to ask you a big favor. Would you be willing to help me move this week? It would mean a lot to me.” oasis-ebl|Rsalles|1490374097 Feedback involves asking others to give their opinion, whether positive or critical: “Can you tell me what you think I’m doing well in my job, and what you think I could do better?” Of course, sometimes people express their needs in the form of statements that aren’t direct requests but nevertheless function in that way. These too can run the gamut, from something as basic as “We’re out of milk” to “Wow, I’m really feeling financially stretched”—­said by a client the same week your bill arrives. Note that asking for what one needs is functionally different from self-­disclosure. With self-­ disclosure, responsiveness is pretty simple (though not necessarily easy): what matters is that the response communicates understanding and validation—­acknowledgment that what the person is experiencing is real and makes sense. With specific requests, understanding and validation aren’t enough. The person wants whatever has been requested—­or at least a response that acknowledges the request: “I understand what you want, but I can’t give it to you.” LOVE As discussed earlier, “love” is about how we respond when others interact with us in ways that are courageous. First, are we even aware that the other person is doing something courageous by choosing to experience vulnerability and emotion, offering self-­disclosure, or asking for a need to be met? Then, are we able to respond lovingly, or at least in a way that doesn’t cause the person to regret reaching out? Ultimately, love involves acting for the good of the other person. In the ACL framework, love that responds effectively to another person’s courage is of special interest because of the role this responsiveness plays in creating social connection. This kind of response requires awareness of what the other person needs—­an awareness that often hinges on empathy and per- spective taking. Within this general framework, it can be useful to discriminate a few natural functional pairings between the categories of courage outlined above and specific forms of love that match them. Providing safety and acceptance—­paired with choosing to experience vulnerability and emotion: When others choose to be vulnerable and express their emotional experience, what they need in response, at a very basic level, is safety and acceptance. We’ll discuss this further in chapter 5. For now, we just want to emphasize how important safety and acceptance are. It’s much easier for people to be vulnerable when they’re met with clearly articulated acceptance, which creates a sense of safety. Expressing understanding, validation, and empathy—­paired with offering self-­disclosure: The idea of expressing understanding, validation, and empathy is basic for most therapists; we’re trained to reflect and summarize what clients say to us. Within the ACL framework, these responses are considered to be especially functional, particularly when people have engaged in self-­disclosure that makes them feel vulnerable. People need to feel understood and validated, especially when they’re vulnerable. Sometimes a simple expression of understanding is enough: “I hear you,” or “I understand what you’re saying.” At other times a more elaborate expression of understanding may be needed, such as reflecting back what you understood the person to say. Giving what is needed—­paired with asking for a need to be met: When someone asks for something specific, the response should be specific as well. This calls for awareness, which is required to accurately and sensitively identify what’s needed, even if the person’s communication is indirect or disguised. Here are several categories of responses. As you’ll see, most have a bearing on the list of courage behaviors above, under “Asking for a Need to Be Met.” • Providing closeness: This starts with nonverbal behavior: providing attentive posture, making eye contact, and displaying other signs of engagement. Providing closeness verbally can take myriad forms, and most call for courage. Stepping up in this way con- tinues the courage-­love cycle and deepens connection. • Respecting boundaries and being open to feedback: When someone engages in cou- rageous behavior related to setting boundaries or giving negative constructive feed- back, a response characterized by love demonstrates respect for those boundaries or openness to the feedback. • Apologizing: When someone engages in courageous behavior related to giving nega- tive feedback, a response characterized by love usually calls for a sincere apology at an appropriate level. • Promising: This is an important skill for responding to others in a loving way, yet it can be challenging and even scary to do well. It’s important for people to consider what they can genuinely commit to and follow through on. In other words, promises shouldn’t be overly expansive or optimistic. A realistic promise builds more trust: “I want you to know that I will always try to take you seriously. I can’t promise that I’ll always be able to give you exactly what you want, but I can promise that I’ll seek to understand your requests and do the best I can.” • Expressing appreciation: This can involve describing the qualities we admire or appre- ciate in others or describing how they did something that was helpful. It’s unfortunately rare for people to hear details about their positive qualities from someone else, so being specific is usually welcome. As with many of these forms of love, expressing genuine emotion enhances connection. • Reciprocal disclosure: Recognizing the vulnerability of others and responding with matching vulnerability is important because this reciprocity is a natural aspect of close relationships. Of course, this kind of reciprocity isn’t always appropriate in therapy, but some self-­disclosure by the therapist can be important, as long as it’s functional, bal- anced, and well-­timed. Of course, we aren’t advocating that anyone comply with requests unconditionally. That’s impossible, and not all requests are reasonable. In addition, learning to cope with other people’s refusal to comply with requests is a critical skill—­one that people can only learn when their requests aren’t fulfilled. Yet even in refusing a request, we can bring love to our response. SELF-­LOVE There’s another variant of love that we have found to be useful to delineate. Self-­love is about respond- ing to oneself in caring, accepting, compassionate, loving, reinforcing ways. It can be especially important when people have engaged in courageous behavior and haven’t received a loving response, or when they’re in a situation characterized by poor responsiveness in general. It’s also crucial for people working in environments that don’t offer much nurturance, including therapists working with clients who resist vulnerability and instead offer a lot of resistance or aggression. FAP focuses on three key aspects of self-­love. Self-­acceptance: This simply means bringing acceptance to whatever one becomes aware of in oneself. This topic has been explored at length in the acceptance and commitment therapy and mindfulness literature. In FAP, we view self-­acceptance as crucial when working on intimacy and social relationships. Accepting love from others: It may seem odd that we include accepting love from others in the category of “self-­love.” However, rejecting or dismissing others’ attempts to provide help, support, or love is often a form of self-­denial, perhaps wrapped up in beliefs such as “I’m not worthwhile” or “I don’t deserve to be helped.” Therefore, we view accepting love from others as functionally an act of self-­love. Self-­care: This refers to activities that soothe, calm, rejuvenate, or recharge people or bring them pleasure. One function of such activities is that they allow people to continue to act effectively in other contexts. In the ACL framework, we focus on self-­care that helps people respond to difficulties in their relationships. Self-­care is crucial when people are trying their best and it isn’t working, when they’re so scared that they don’t know what to do, or when they’re simply exhausted from stressful interactions. ACL AS THE INTERPERSONAL STANCE OF FAP THERAPISTS At its heart, FAP involves working within the therapeutic relationship in a way that embodies the processes of social connection, with guidance from functional analysis. Therefore, awareness, courage, and love are every bit as applicable to the therapist’s stance as they are to client behaviors. And by bringing into the therapy room the behaviors that demonstrate awareness, courage, and love, you can also model these behaviors for clients. To that end, here are some key questions to ask yourself throughout your interactions with clients. Awareness: Are you aware of what’s happening in the moment, in yourself and, to the extent detectable, in your client? Are you aware of the functions of what’s happening in the here and now? In particular, are you aware of opportunities for you to engage in courage or love behaviors? And are you aware of your client’s awareness of such opportunities? Courage: Are you strategically, effectively, and compassionately disrupting your client’s normal patterns of relating ineffectively, including through avoidance? Are you willing to be with your client in feeling the discomfort or uncertainty of stepping outside his comfort zone? Love: Are you creating an accepting, understanding, and responsive environment in which your client feels welcomed to courageously and vulnerably disclose what he’s experiencing and what’s happening in the moment, even in relation to you? In particular, are you responding to any improvements in the moment, as they happen, in a way that will reinforce them? Self-­love: When a client doesn’t respond well to your efforts in therapy and you feel discouraged or uncertain, are you able to take care of yourself in ways that fuel your motivation to persist in being a positive disruptive force for this person? Bear in mind that these touchstones of the therapeutic stance in FAP are functionally defined. We aren’t asking you to take deep breaths and say risky, dramatic things in every session, and we aren’t asking you to cry and express how moved you are by your client’s courage—though you may, of course, do so if these moves are genuine for you and work for your client. Courage and love can take many forms: subtle, humble, careful, funny, proud, celebratory, aggressive, gentle, pro- found, reverent, irreverent, and more. Follow the function, not the form. FUNCTIONAL ANALYSIS BASED ON ACL Functional analysis based on ACL involves making sense of a client’s specific behaviors (or absence of behaviors, such as not taking courageous risks) or your own behaviors in the therapeutic rela- tionship in terms of the broad functional classes of awareness, courage, and love. If clients have difficulties with social connection, one simple way to proceed is to consider whether they have deficits in the domains of awareness, courage, or love. If so, you can address those deficits by shaping awareness, courage, or love behaviors that work for clients in their inter- personal contexts. When working with clients on their social connection, you need not even use the terms “awareness,” “courage,” or “love” if they aren’t functional for the client. The terms are just labels for the functions. You could instead talk about noticing, paying attention, having empathy, taking risks, being willing, caring, supporting, respecting, and so on. More specifically, you can look for CRB1 within these functional classes. For awareness, a cli- ent’s CRB1s might include not attending to goals in social situations, not taking the perspective of others into account, or making unfounded assumptions about others. For courage, a client’s CRB1s might show up as avoiding courageous moves altogether or being courageous in ways that don’t function to create connection, such as being too vulnerable too soon or being overly demanding. And CRB1s related to love might include not being responsive to others or being responsive in ways that don’t function well for others. Bringing the focus to in-­session processes, you might find deficits in a client’s awareness, courage, or love repertoires in interactions with you, and through functional analysis you might link these deficits to problems outside of session. Similarly, you might notice issues related to your own awareness, courage, or love repertoires with clients in general or with particular clients. As a reminder, courage for therapists isn’t primarily about emotionally vulnerable self-­disclosure—­ though that might be important at times. More often, it’s involved in giving certain types of feed- back or making requests that put rapport or your expertise on the line. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER Awareness, courage, and love are often best assessed within their mutual context according to how they functionally relate to each other for a particular person in particular contexts. This is clearly salient to courage and love, given the reciprocal link between them outlined at the beginning of this chapter. You can inquire about this link using questions along these lines: Are you aware of opportunities for courageous or loving behaviors on your part? Are you aware of others engaging in courageous or loving actions toward you? Are you courageous in offering loving responses? Are you loving enough when offering courageous responses? Of course, all three aspects of ACL work together in these ways. Awareness without courage may result in knowing one is stuck but having a feeling of not being able to do anything different, and awareness without the ability to show or receive love may be experienced as a feeling of empti- ness or loss. Courage in the absence of awareness can result in taking risks that range from thought- less to dangerous, and courage without love can result in reckless reactions that have painful consequences for others. Finally, love without courage or awareness can become a somewhat impo- tent kindness or caring in which the person never risks anything too bold or disruptive, or he misses connecting accurately with the experience of the other person. These examples illustrate the kinds of problems clients may have in the realms of awareness, courage, and love, and the balance between them. They also illustrate how the ACL framework supports individualized assessment. QUICKLY ASSESSING ACL We’ll end this chapter with a set of questions that you can use to quickly assess ACL processes. We have one question for each aspect of awareness, courage, and love set forth earlier in this chapter, so hopefully this assessment tool will also help you remember and keep track of the entire ACL model. Ask clients the following questions, and consider how different contexts—­for example, dif- ferent relationships—­affect the patterns of behavior: Awareness Do you notice what you’re thinking and feeling? Do you know what you need or value and have a sense of your goals and identity? Are you aware of other people’s feelings and needs? Courage Are you able to be openly vulnerable and emotional? Do you authentically share what you feel and think? Do you ask for what you need? Love Do you help others feel safe and secure? Do you express empathy and understanding and provide validation? Do you give others what they need? Do you accept love from others? SUMMARY • ACL (awareness, courage, and love) is a framework for the functional analysis of behav- iors that research shows are involved in social connection and therapeutic relationships. • Awareness involves paying attention to yourself—­your present-­moment experience as well as your values and goals over time—­and others, especially in order to notice opportunities to engage in courageous or loving (or other effective) behaviors. • Courage involves moving toward another person despite potential vulnerability or aversion. Courageous behaviors include emotional vulnerability, self-­disclosure, and making requests. • Love involves responding to others’ acts of vulnerability or courage in responsive, accepting, empathic ways. • The ACL framework defines important aspects of the therapeutic-­relationship stance promoted in FAP.