25. 做出决策

做决策

当一个人来找咨询师时，通常是因为他们在一种无法忍受的情况下感到绝望，不知道该做什么来缓解痛苦，并认为他们的问题没有解决办法。这种绝望的感觉可能导致他们陷入抑郁、焦虑和紧张。使用前面描述的反思和其他技能，可以帮助他们探索和澄清问题。这一过程本身可能有助于减轻他们的痛苦，他们可能会自发地转向探索选项和寻找解决问题的方法。然而，有时这个人不会这样前进，似乎达到了僵局，没有充分探索可能的选项。咨询师处理这种情况的一个适当方法是反映“被困住”的感觉，然后询问他们是否能看到任何选项。

作为整合型咨询师，在寻找和探索选项时，利用叙事疗法和解决方案聚焦咨询中的问题是非常有利的，这些在第21章和第22章中有详细描述。

寻找选项

一个开放式的问题，例如“显然你处于一个非常不舒服的境地。你认为有哪些选项？”可以作为一个起点，帮助一个人识别选项。通过问这个问题，而不是提出选项，咨询师鼓励当事人自己负责解决自己的问题。然后，当事人可以思考并希望提出一些可供考虑的选项。解决方案聚焦的问题可以帮助他们发现更多的选项。确定的选项可以通过解决方案聚焦的问题再次进行探讨。有些选项可能会立即被排除，因为它们是不可能或不可接受的。然而，要记住当事人提出的每一个选项，因为最初被排除的选项最终可能会被选中。

新咨询师常常感到压力，试图为寻求帮助的人找到选项。我们的经验是，通常没有必要这样做，而且如果当事人能够自己提出选项会更好。当然，有时因为某种原因，当事人可能看不到咨询师显而易见的选项，在这种情况下，咨询师可以选择告诉他们这个选项。然而，当咨询师提出自己的想法时，最好以试探性的方式提出，这样当事人只会将其视为一个可能的建议，而不会将其视为必须遵循的建议。

探索选项

在帮助一个人探索选项时，我们邀请他们大致谈论各种替代方案，然后清晰地总结这些选项。然后，我们鼓励当事人单独探讨每个想法，并讨论每个选项的积极和消极方面。首先处理最不可能或最不受欢迎的选项有一些优势。通过这样做，这些选项可能会被排除，留下较小范围的选项，使当事人更容易做出决定。明智的做法是鼓励当事人不仅要仔细考虑每个选项的后果（包括积极和消极的），还要考虑到他们对各种可用选项的直觉感受。很多时候，一个人的逻辑思维会指向一个方向，而他们的直觉感受则指向另一个方向。例如，我们经常会听到有人说：“这是我真正应该做的，这是我应该做的，但我不想这样做，因为这对我来说感觉不对。”显然，当事人需要对他们做出的决定感到非常舒服，否则他们不太可能坚持下去。仅靠逻辑思维不足以作为选择选项的基础。事实上，我们认为，当事人在直觉层面上对一个选项感到舒服通常比认为这个选项是最合理的更重要。然而，任何选择的选项显然是当事人的选择，可能不是咨询师认为最理想、合理或适当的选项。

做出选择

假设一个寻求帮助的人处于两难境地，无法在两个选项之间做出选择：选项A和选项B，如图25.1所示。为了帮助他们解决这个两难问题，我们建议你帮助他们充分探索选择选项A的感觉，以及这个选择的后果。完成后，鼓励他们对选项B进行类似的探索。这可以建立两个选项之间的明确对比。

做出选择涉及的损失或成本

在两个选项之间做出选择的一个问题是，无论我们做出什么选择，几乎总是会涉及某种损失或成本。让我们举个例子。我们在周六编写这本书的稿件，今天不需要工作，除非我们选择这样做。天气温暖晴朗，距离美丽的沙滩只有五分钟的步行路程。我们有两个选项。一个选项是继续写作，另一个选项是停止工作，去沙滩游泳，所以我们面临一个两难问题。在这种情况下，我们可能会问自己“我们应该做什么？”然而，回忆第20章中关于自我破坏信念的讨论，用“我们想做什么？”这个问题来代替“我们应该做什么？”会更好。通过问这个问题，我们可以做出一个真正属于我们自己的选择，不受过去指令的过度影响，并符合我们当前的经验。我们喜欢写作，也很享受现在做的事情，但去游泳并在沙滩上躺一会儿也会很愉快。

现在这不是一个重大的选择，但无论我们做出什么选择都会涉及某种损失。如果我们决定继续写作，我们会失去锻炼、新鲜空气和在沙滩上放松的感觉；但如果我们去沙滩，我们会失去继续创作的满足感，可能会因为明天到来时没有取得更多进展而感到沮丧。因此，无论我们继续写作还是去沙滩，我们都必须接受无论如何都会有损失。如果我们选择一个选项，我们就会失去另一个选项。

做出决策的主要障碍之一是当人们没有恰当地看待涉及的损失或成本成分时。我们经常发现，接受与决策相关的损失或成本比在替代选项的积极方面之间做出选择更为困难。

告诉当事人决策中的损失或成本成分，并解释这一点如何应用于他们的特定两难问题，是非常有帮助的。例如，我们可以说，“如果你选择选项A，你的损失会是什么？”和“如果你选择选项B，你的损失会是什么？”然后问他们是否能够接受这些损失。选择不仅仅是两个积极方面的选择，也是一个涉及两个损失的选择，并决定哪个损失是可以接受的，如果有的话。关注选项的损失或成本成分，以及积极成分，使人们更容易做出决策并解决他们的两难问题。

极性的影响

对于大多数人来说，解决两难问题是很困难的。部分原因是由于我们内心存在的极性。让我，大卫，回到前面的例子，我们探讨了继续写作或去沙滩的两难问题。现在好像我有两个部分。一部分的我想去游泳，另一部分的我想留在这里继续写这本书。我发现，如果我把他们的两难问题描述成他们内心的两个部分，对当事人会有很大帮助。例如，我可能会说，“你的一部分想选择A，而另一部分想选择B。这两个部分都是你的一部分。它们同时存在于你体内。”我可以请当事人告诉我关于想要选项A的部分，并充分探讨这部分，然后再告诉我关于想要选项B的部分，并充分探讨这部分。通过这样做，我允许当事人整合和接纳自己对立的两个部分，而不是感到困惑，而是接受这两个部分都是有效的（参见第23章，关于自我的各个部分）。然后，当事人有能力接受选择其中一个选项意味着放弃另一个选项，这涉及到一个成本或损失：未选择的选项的损失。

“正确选择”的神话

许多人在童年时就被教导总是有一个正确的选择，当面对两难问题时，选择一个选项是正确的，而选择另一个选项是错误的。混乱往往源于不切实际的期望，即选择涉及黑白分明或对错之分。实际上，大多数人类决策涉及在灰色地带中做出选择，两个选项都有优点或积极品质，也都存在成本或缺点。 记住，如果我选择选项A，我就会失去选项B，这个损失是选择选项A的成本的一部分。要解决两难问题并选择一个选项，我必须放弃另一个选项。放弃往往是困难的部分。如果你让你寻求帮助的人知道这一点，他们可能会更容易做出决定。

寻找创造性的解决方案

有时候，通过创造性思考并引入一个新选项，可以使两难问题得以解决，从而减少任何损失的程度。如果我们用凯瑟琳和大卫是否继续写作或去沙滩的例子，还有一个第三个选项。我们可以决定继续写作一段时间，然后停下来去沙滩。这个新选项可能会提供一个双赢的解决方案！事实上，经过彼此讨论，我们俩都决定这样做。我们决定再写一个小时，然后去沙滩。这很方便，因为我们俩都喜欢一起工作和放松。

允许一个人保持困境

有时，即使问题已经清楚地理解，一个人仍然会陷入困境，无法解决两难问题。作为新手咨询师，当我们遇到一个人陷入困境时，我们常常感到担忧，并有时会不必要地延长咨询时间，试图“解开”这个人并引导他们找到满意的解决方案。我们现在意识到，这样的咨询行为并没有太大帮助。更有帮助的是向当事人反映他们的“困境”，并说：“看来我们遇到了僵局。似乎没有简单的解决方案，今天你似乎陷入了困境，不知道该往哪个方向走。我们就到这里为止吧。下次再来，我们可以再一起讨论。”通过这样说，咨询师给了当事人保持困境的许可，减轻了快速做出决定的压力，并让当事人知道他们随时欢迎回来继续处理这个问题。有时候，他们下次回来时会说：“我已经做出了决定，”因为他们得到了保持困境的许可，有效获得了时间来思考上一次讨论的内容，而不受压力。其他时候，他们仍然会陷入困境。然后，咨询师的目标是帮助他们接受陷入困境的后果，这可能是痛苦或不舒服的情况。咨询师可以通过帮助他们表达对困境的情感感受，然后鼓励他们谈论如何应对困境来实现这一点。在下一章中，我们将尝试更深入地理解帮助一个人处理决策障碍所需的流程。然而，记住，允许一个人保持“困境”是可以的。通常，经历一段时间的困境是必要的，才能取得进展。 一种创造性地帮助当事人探索选项的方法是使用体验方法，如第27章所述。

学习总结

• 认识选项：当面临决策时，人们往往难以认识到自己的选项。
• 选择困难：即使认识到选项，人们也可能难以在其中做出选择。
• 自我提议：最好先邀请寻求帮助的人提出自己的选项，然后再提供建议。
• 补充建议：如果错过了重要的选项，咨询师可以试探性地提出新的选项（是否有“双赢”的选项？）。
• 总结选项：在逐一讨论每个选项之前，需要清晰地总结所有选项。
• 排除不理想选项：先处理最不理想的选项可能有助于排除这些选项。
• 全面评估：鼓励当事人仔细评估每个选项的积极和消极方面，考虑可能的后果。
• 接受损失：在选择之间做出决策通常涉及损失或成本，接受这种损失往往是决策中最困难的部分。
• 灰色地带：大多数决策并不是在黑白分明或对错之间做出选择，而是在灰色地带中做出选择。

进一步阅读

• Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B. & Zalaquett, C.P. 2015, Influencing Client Actions and Decisions, in Essentials of Intentional Interviewing: Counseling in a Multicultural World, Cengage Learning, Boston, pp. 232—54.

本章知识点阐述

进一步阐述知识点

做决策的重要性

解决困境

心理压力

当一个人感到绝望和无助时，他们可能会陷入抑郁、焦虑和紧张。通过帮助他们做出决策，可以减轻这些负面情绪。

积极行动

决策可以帮助当事人采取积极行动，而不是停滞不前。

咨询技巧

反思技巧

通过反思技巧，咨询师可以帮助当事人探索和澄清问题，从而减轻他们的痛苦。

开放性问题

使用开放性问题，如“你认为有哪些选项？”可以鼓励当事人自己思考和提出解决方案。

解决方案聚焦

解决方案聚焦的问题可以帮助当事人发现更多的选项，并评估每个选项的可行性和后果。

探索选项的步骤

识别选项

开放性提问

通过开放性问题，帮助当事人识别所有可能的选项。

记录选项

确保记录下所有提出的选项，即使某些选项最初被排除。

评估选项

积极和消极方面

鼓励当事人探讨每个选项的积极和消极方面。

直觉感受

除了逻辑思考，还要考虑当事人的直觉感受，因为直觉在决策中也起着重要作用。

排除不可行选项

逐步排除

从最不可能或最不受欢迎的选项开始，逐步排除不可行的选项，缩小选择范围。

做出选择的考虑因素

损失和成本

双重损失

每次选择都会涉及某种损失或成本，这是决策中的一个重要考虑因素。

接受损失

帮助当事人认识到并接受每个选项的损失，这对于做出最终决定至关重要。

直觉与逻辑

平衡考虑

决策不仅是逻辑上的选择，也是直觉上的选择。当事人需要在逻辑和直觉之间找到平衡。

舒适度

当事人需要对他们的决定感到舒适，否则他们可能不会坚持下去。

实际应用

个人案例

具体情境

假设一个当事人在两个职业选择之间犹豫不决，一个是稳定但缺乏激情的工作，另一个是充满挑战但不稳定的工作。

探索选项

帮助当事人列出每个选项的积极和消极方面，包括经济、职业发展和个人满足感等方面。

评估损失

帮助当事人认识到每个选项的损失，例如稳定工作的缺乏激情和挑战工作的不确定性。

做出决定

最终，当事人需要在逻辑和直觉之间找到平衡，做出一个既能接受损失又能感到舒适的决定。

总结

做决策是心理咨询中的一个重要环节，通过帮助当事人识别和评估选项，以及关注决策中的损失和成本，可以有效地帮助他们解决困境，采取积极行动。咨询师在这一过程中起到关键作用，通过使用开放性问题、解决方案聚焦和反思技巧，帮助当事人找到适合自己的解决方案。最终，当事人需要在逻辑和直觉之间找到平衡，做出一个既能接受损失又能感到舒适的决定。

学习总结

• 做决策的重要性

  • 解决困境：
    • 心理压力：帮助减轻负面情绪。
    • 积极行动：鼓励采取积极行动。
  • 咨询技巧：
    • 反思技巧：探索和澄清问题。
    • 开放性问题：鼓励当事人思考和提出解决方案。
    • 解决方案聚焦：发现更多选项并评估可行性。

• 探索选项的步骤

  • 识别选项：
    • 开放性提问：帮助识别所有可能的选项。
    • 记录选项：确保记录所有选项。
  • 评估选项：
    • 积极和消极方面：探讨每个选项的优缺点。
    • 直觉感受：考虑当事人的直觉感受。
  • 排除不可行选项：
    • 逐步排除：逐步排除不可行的选项。

• 做出选择的考虑因素

  • 损失和成本：
    • 双重损失：每次选择都会涉及损失或成本。
    • 接受损失：帮助当事人接受每个选项的损失。
  • 直觉与逻辑：
    • 平衡考虑：在逻辑和直觉之间找到平衡。
    • 舒适度：确保当事人对决定感到舒适。

参考文献和进一步阅读

• de Shazer, S. 1985, Keys to Solution in Brief Therapy, W.W. Norton & Company, New York.
• O'Connell, B. 1998, Solution Focused Therapy: Helping People with Problems to Succeed, Allen & Unwin, St Leonards, NSW.
• Berg, I.K. & Miller, S.D. 1992, Working with the Problem Drinker: A Solution-Focused Approach, Norton, New York.

进一步阐述知识点

极性的影响

内在冲突

两个部分

当一个人面临两难选择时，内心往往会分裂成两个部分，每个部分代表一个不同的选择。例如，一个人可能一部分想继续工作，另一部分想休息。

整合和接纳

通过将这些冲突描述为内心的两个部分，咨询师可以帮助当事人整合和接纳这些对立的部分，减少内心的矛盾和困惑。

描述极性

明确表达

咨询师可以通过明确表达这些极性，帮助当事人认识到每个选项的有效性。例如，咨询师可以说：“你的一部分想选择A，而另一部分想选择B。这两个部分都是你的一部分，它们同时存在于你体内。”

“正确选择”的神话

黑白思维

不切实际的期望

许多人从小被教育认为每个决策都有一个正确的答案，这种黑白思维会导致决策时的困惑和压力。

灰色地带

实际上，大多数决策涉及在灰色地带中做出选择，每个选项都有其优点和缺点。

接受损失

成本意识

每个选择都会带来一定的成本或损失，接受这一点是做出决策的重要部分。

放弃的困难

放弃未选择的选项往往是决策中最困难的部分，咨询师可以帮助当事人认识到这一点，减轻他们的心理负担。

寻找创造性的解决方案

创造性思考

引入新选项

通过创造性思考，可以引入新的选项，减少决策的损失。例如，可以选择先工作一段时间，然后再去休息。

双赢方案

新的选项有时可以提供一个双赢的解决方案，既满足了工作的需求，又满足了休息的需求。

允许一个人保持困境

接受困境

避免过度干预

咨询师不应过度干预，试图强行解决当事人的困境，这可能会增加当事人的压力。

给予许可

咨询师可以通过反映当事人的困境，给予他们保持困境的许可，减轻他们的压力。

情感支持

表达情感

帮助当事人表达对困境的情感感受，让他们感到被理解和接纳。

应对策略

鼓励当事人谈论如何应对困境，帮助他们找到应对的策略。

总结

解决两难问题是一个复杂的过程，涉及内心的极性、对“正确选择”的误解、创造性的解决方案和接受困境。咨询师在这一过程中起到关键作用，通过帮助当事人认识和整合内心的冲突，提供创造性的解决方案，以及给予他们保持困境的许可，可以有效地帮助他们做出决策。最终，当事人需要在逻辑和直觉之间找到平衡，接受每个选择的成本或损失，从而做出一个既能接受损失又能感到舒适的决定。

学习总结

• 极性的影响

  • 内在冲突：
    • 两个部分：内心分裂成两个部分，每个部分代表一个不同的选择。
    • 整合和接纳：帮助当事人整合和接纳这些对立的部分。
  • 描述极性：
    • 明确表达：明确表达极性，帮助当事人认识到每个选项的有效性。

• “正确选择”的神话

  • 黑白思维：
    • 不切实际的期望：认为每个决策都有一个正确的答案。
    • 灰色地带：大多数决策涉及在灰色地带中做出选择。
  • 接受损失：
    • 成本意识：每个选择都会带来一定的成本或损失。
    • 放弃的困难：放弃未选择的选项是决策中最困难的部分。

• 寻找创造性的解决方案

  • 创造性思考：
    • 引入新选项：通过创造性思考引入新的选项。
    • 双赢方案：提供一个双赢的解决方案。

• 允许一个人保持困境

  • 接受困境：
    • 避免过度干预：避免强行解决当事人的困境。
    • 给予许可：给予当事人保持困境的许可。
  • 情感支持：
    • 表达情感：帮助当事人表达情感感受。
    • 应对策略：鼓励当事人谈论应对策略。

参考文献和进一步阅读

• de Shazer, S. 1985, Keys to Solution in Brief Therapy, W.W. Norton & Company, New York.
• O'Connell, B. 1998, Solution Focused Therapy: Helping People with Problems to Succeed, Allen & Unwin, St Leonards, NSW.
• Berg, I.K. & Miller, S.D. 1992, Working with the Problem Drinker: A Solution-Focused Approach, Norton, New York.

25 Making decisions When a person comes to see a counsellor it is often because they feel hopelessly stuck in an intolerable situation where they do not know what to do to ease their pain, and believe that there is no solution to their problems. This hopeless feeling may lock them into depression, anxiety’ and tension. Use of the reflective and other skills described previously" enables the person to explore their issues and to clarify them. I his process alone may be helpful in reducing their distress, and they may spontaneously move towards exploring options and finding solutions for their problems. Sometimes, however, the person does not move forward in this way and appears to reach an impasse, without properly exploring possible options. An appropriate way for a counsellor to deal with this situation is to reflect the feeling of being 'stuck’ and then to ask the person whether they can see any options. As an integrative counsellor, while searching for and exploring options it can be very advantageous to make use of those questions that come from Narrative Therapy and Solution-focused Counselling, as described in Chapters 21 and 22. FINDING OPTIONS An open question such as 'You are obviously" in a very uncomfortable situation. What do you see as your options?’ can be useful as a starting point in helping a person to identify options. By" asking this question, rather than suggesting options, the counsellor encourages the person to take responsibility7 for solving their own problems. The person is then able to think about and hopefully suggest options for consideration. Solution-focused questions may then be used to help them discover additional options. The identified options can then be explored, again through the use of solution- focused questions. Some of these options might be discarded immediately as being impossible or unacceptable. However, be careful to remember all the options a person suggests, because an option that they have ruled out initially" may turn out to be the one that will eventually" be chosen. New counsellors often feel pressured into trying to find options for the people who seek their help. Our experience is that generally" it is not necessary to do this, and that it is far better if a person is able to come up with their own options. Of course, there are times when for some reason a person will fail to see an option that is obvious to the counsellor, and in such a case the counsellor may choose to tell them about that option. However, when a counsellor does put forward an idea of their own, it’s preferable that it should be put forward in a tentative way, so that the person sees it as nothing more than a possible suggestion and does not take it as advice that needs to be followed. EXPLORING OPTIONS When helping a person to explore options, we invite them to talk in a general way about the various alternatives and then summanse these clearly. We then encourage the person to explore each idea individually and to talk about the positive and negative aspects of each option. There are some advantages in dealing with the most unlikely or least preferred options first. By doing this, these may be eliminated leaving a smaller range of options and making it easier for the person to move towards a decision. It is sensible to encourage the person not only to look carefully at the consequences, both negative and positive, of each option but also to take into account their own got feelings about the various alternatives that are available. Quite often a person’s logical thinking will be pulling in one direction whereas their gut feelings will be pulling in a different direction. It is, for example, quite common to hear a person say: ‘That is what 1 really ought to do, that is what I should do, but 1 don’t want to do that because it just doesn’t feel nght for me/ Obviously the person needs to feel very comfortable with the decision they make, or they are unlikely to stay with it. Logical thinking alone does not provide sufficient grounds on which to choose an option. In fact, we believe that it’s often more important for the person to feel comfortable at a gut level with an option than to think that the option is the most sensible one. However, any option chosen obviously has to be the person’s choice and may not be the choice the counsellor believes to be the most desirable, sensible or appropriate. MAKING A CHOICE Imagine that a person seeking your help is in a dilemma and is unable to make a choice between two options: option A and option 13, as illustrated in Figure 25.1, for example. In order for them to resolve the dilemma, we suggest that you might wish to help them to fully explore what it would feel like to have chosen option A, and to explore what the consequences of this choice would be. After this is completed, encourage them to do a similar exploration for option B. This enables a clear comparison between the two options to be established. THE LOSS OR COST INVOLVED IN MAKING A CHOICE One of the problems with making a choice between two alternatives is that, whenever we make a choice, almost invariably there is a loss or cost involved. Let’s give you an example. We are working on the manuscript of this book on a Saturday and don’t have to work today unless we choose to. It’s a warm sunny day and we are only five minutes’ walk from a beautiful sandy beach. We have two options. One option is to continue writing and the other option is to stop work and go down to

Figure 25.1 Which way shall I go? the beach for a swim, so we have a dilemma. In situations like this we might ask ourselves the question 'What should we do?’ However, remembering the discussion on self-destructive beliefs in Chapter 20, it would be better for us to replace the 'should’ question by the question ‘What do we want to do?’ By asking this question we can make a choice that is genuinely ours, is not excessively influenced by injunctions from the past, and fits with our current experience. We enjoy writing and quite enjoy what we are doing now, but it would also be enjoyable to go for a swim and maybe lie on the beach afterwards. Now this is not a heavy choice, but whichever choice we make will involve a loss. If we decide to keep on writing then we lose out on the exercise, the fresh air and the relaxed feeling of being down at the beach; but if we go down to the beach well have a different loss. We ll lose the satisfaction of continuing to do something creative — our writing — and we may feel frustrated by not having made more progress with our writing when tomorrow comes. So, whether we continue to write or whether we go to the beach, we have to accept that there is a loss either way. If we choose one alternative, we lose the other. One of the main blocks to making decisions occurs when people don’t properly look at the loss or cost component involved. Frequently we discover that accepting the loss or cost associated with a decision is more difficult than choosing between the positive aspects of the alternative choices. It can be very helpful to tell a person about the loss or cost component in decision-making, and to explain this as applied to their particular dilemma. For example, we might say, 'If you choose option A, what are your losses going to be?’ and ‘If you choose option B, what are your losses going to be?’, and then ask them whether they would be able to accept those losses. The choice is not just a choice between two positives, but also a choice that involves choosing between two losses and deciding which loss is acceptable, if either. Focusing on the loss or cost component of an option, as well as the positive component, makes it easier for people to reach decisions and resolve their dilemmas.

THE EFFECT OF POLARITIES Resolution of dilemmas is difficult for most people. Part of that difficulty is due to the polarities that exist within us. Let me, David, go back to the previous example where we looked at the dilemma of continuing to write or going to the beach. Right now it is as though there are two parts of me. One part of me wants to go for a swim, and the other part of me wants to stay here and continue writing this book. 1 have found that it is very helpful for a person if 1 describe their dilemma in terms of parts of themselves. For example, 1 might say, 'Part of you wants to make choice A and another part of you wants to make choice 13. These are both valid parts of you. 1 hey both exist in you at the same time.’ 1 can ask the person to tell me about the part that wants option A and to explore that part fully, and then to tell me about the part that wants option 13 and to explore that fully. By doing this, 1 allow the person to integrate and own two opposite parts of self and not feel confused, but rather accept that both are valid parts of self (see Chapter 23, which deals with parts of self). 1 he person is then empowered to accept that choosing one of the options means letting go of the other option, and that involves a cost or the acceptance of a loss: the loss of the option that is not chosen.

THE MYTH OF THE 'RIGHT CHOICE Many people have been taught as children that there is always a correct choice, and that when confronted by a dilemma the choice of one option is correct and the choice of another is wrong. Confusion often arises from the unrealistic expectation that choice involves a decision between black and white, or between right and wrong. In reality, most human decisions involve deciding between shades of grey, where both options have advantages or positive qualities and both have costs or disadvantages. Remember, if I choose option A, I lose option 13, and that loss is part of the cost of choosing option A. T o resolve a dilemma and choose one option, 1 have to let go of the other. T he letting go is often the hard pail. If you let a person who is seeking your help know that, they may find it easier to reach a decision. FINDING CREATIVE SOLUTIONS At times, dilemmas can be resolved by doing some creative thinking and introducing a new option so that the extent of any loss is reduced. If we use the example regarding whether we, Kathryn and David, should continue writing or go to the beach, there is a third option. We could decide to continue writing for a while and then stop and go to the beach. T his new option might provide a win-win solution! In fact, having talked about our choice with each other, this is what we have both decided to do. We have decided to continue writing for another hour and then go to the beach. This is convenient because we both like working and relaxing together.

GIVING A PERSON PERMISSION TO STAY STUCK Sometimes a person will stay stuck and will be unable to resolve a dilemma even though the issues are clearly understood. As new counsellors, we often worried when a person was stuck and would sometimes prolong a counselling session unnecessarily in an effort to tty to 'unstick1 the person and lead them to a satisfying solution. We now realise that such counsellor behaviour is not very helpful. It is much more helpful to reflect back to the person their ‘stuckness’, and to say, Took, it seems as though we’ve come to an impasse. There doesn’t seem to be an easy solution, and today you seem to be stuck and don’t know which way to go. Let’s leave it there. Come back another time and we will talk together again.’ By saying this, the counsellor gives the person permission to remain stuck, reduces the pressure to make a quick decision, and lets the person know that they are welcome to come back again to continue working on the issue. Sometimes they will come back the next time saying, 'I’ve made a decision,’ because they were given permission to stay stuck and effectively given time to think through what was discussed in the previous session without pressure. At other times they will remain stuck. Then the counsellor’s goal is to assist them to come to terms with the consequences of being stuck in what may be a painful or uncomfortable situation. The counsellor can do this by assisting them to verbalise their emotional feelings about being stuck, and then encouraging them to talk about how they will cope with being stuck. In the next chapter we will try to develop a deeper understanding of the process required to help a person deal with blocks to decision-ma king. However, remember that it is OK to allow a person to remain ‘stuck’. Often experiencing being stuck for a while is necessary before progress can be made. A creative way to enable a person to explore options is to use an experiential approach, as described in Chapter 27.

Learning summary It is often difficult for a person to recognise their options when faced with making a decision. Having recognised their options, a person may find it difficult to choose between them. It is preferable to invite the person seeking help to suggest their own options regarding a problem, before suggesting additional ones. New options may be tentatively suggested by the counsellor if important alternatives have been missed. (Are there any 'win-win' options?) All the options need to be summarised clearly before discussing each in turn. Dealing with the least desirable options first may be helpful, as it may exclude them. It can be useful to encourage a person to examine the positive and negative aspects of each option, carefully considering Likely consequences. There is usually a loss or cost involved in making a choice between alternatives and, often, accepting this loss is the hardest part of making a decision. Many, if not most, decisions are not choices between black and white, but rather choices between shades of grey.

Further reading Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B. & Zalaqiaett, C.P. 2015, Influencing client actions and decisions, in A.E. Ivey, M.B. Ivey & C.P. Zalaquett, Essentials oj Intentional Interviewing: Counselling in a Multicultural IV orId, Cengage Learning, Boston, pp. 232—54.