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25 Making decisions When a person comes to see a counsellor it is often because they feel hopelessly stuck in an intolerable situation where they do not know what to do to ease their pain, and believe that there is no solution to their problems. This hopeless feeling may lock them into depression, anxiety’ and tension. Use of the reflective and other skills described previously" enables the person to explore their issues and to clarify them. I his process alone may be helpful in reducing their distress, and they may spontaneously move towards exploring options and finding solutions for their problems. Sometimes, however, the person does not move forward in this way and appears to reach an impasse, without properly exploring possible options. An appropriate way for a counsellor to deal with this situation is to reflect the feeling of being 'stuck’ and then to ask the person whether they can see any options. As an integrative counsellor, while searching for and exploring options it can be very advantageous to make use of those questions that come from Narrative Therapy and Solution-focused Counselling, as described in Chapters 21 and 22. FINDING OPTIONS An open question such as 'You are obviously" in a very uncomfortable situation. What do you see as your options?’ can be useful as a starting point in helping a person to identify options. By" asking this question, rather than suggesting options, the counsellor encourages the person to take responsibility7 for solving their own problems. The person is then able to think about and hopefully suggest options for consideration. Solution-focused questions may then be used to help them discover additional options. The identified options can then be explored, again through the use of solution- focused questions. Some of these options might be discarded immediately as being impossible or unacceptable. However, be careful to remember all the options a person suggests, because an option that they have ruled out initially" may turn out to be the one that will eventually" be chosen. New counsellors often feel pressured into trying to find options for the people who seek their help. Our experience is that generally" it is not necessary to do this, and that it is far better if a person is able to come up with their own options. Of course, there are times when for some reason a person will fail to see an option that is obvious to the counsellor, and in such a case the counsellor may choose to tell them about that option. However, when a counsellor does put forward an idea of their own, it’s preferable that it should be put forward in a tentative way, so that the person sees it as nothing more than a possible suggestion and does not take it as advice that needs to be followed. EXPLORING OPTIONS When helping a person to explore options, we invite them to talk in a general way about the various alternatives and then summanse these clearly. We then encourage the person to explore each idea individually and to talk about the positive and negative aspects of each option. There are some advantages in dealing with the most unlikely or least preferred options first. By doing this, these may be eliminated leaving a smaller range of options and making it easier for the person to move towards a decision. It is sensible to encourage the person not only to look carefully at the consequences, both negative and positive, of each option but also to take into account their own got feelings about the various alternatives that are available. Quite often a person’s logical thinking will be pulling in one direction whereas their gut feelings will be pulling in a different direction. It is, for example, quite common to hear a person say: ‘That is what 1 really ought to do, that is what I should do, but 1 don’t want to do that because it just doesn’t feel nght for me/ Obviously the person needs to feel very comfortable with the decision they make, or they are unlikely to stay with it. Logical thinking alone does not provide sufficient grounds on which to choose an option. In fact, we believe that it’s often more important for the person to feel comfortable at a gut level with an option than to think that the option is the most sensible one. However, any option chosen obviously has to be the person’s choice and may not be the choice the counsellor believes to be the most desirable, sensible or appropriate. MAKING A CHOICE Imagine that a person seeking your help is in a dilemma and is unable to make a choice between two options: option A and option 13, as illustrated in Figure 25.1, for example. In order for them to resolve the dilemma, we suggest that you might wish to help them to fully explore what it would feel like to have chosen option A, and to explore what the consequences of this choice would be. After this is completed, encourage them to do a similar exploration for option B. This enables a clear comparison between the two options to be established. THE LOSS OR COST INVOLVED IN MAKING A CHOICE One of the problems with making a choice between two alternatives is that, whenever we make a choice, almost invariably there is a loss or cost involved. Let’s give you an example. We are working on the manuscript of this book on a Saturday and don’t have to work today unless we choose to. It’s a warm sunny day and we are only five minutes’ walk from a beautiful sandy beach. We have two options. One option is to continue writing and the other option is to stop work and go down to

Figure 25.1 Which way shall I go? the beach for a swim, so we have a dilemma. In situations like this we might ask ourselves the question 'What should we do?’ However, remembering the discussion on self-destructive beliefs in Chapter 20, it would be better for us to replace the 'should’ question by the question ‘What do we want to do?’ By asking this question we can make a choice that is genuinely ours, is not excessively influenced by injunctions from the past, and fits with our current experience. We enjoy writing and quite enjoy what we are doing now, but it would also be enjoyable to go for a swim and maybe lie on the beach afterwards. Now this is not a heavy choice, but whichever choice we make will involve a loss. If we decide to keep on writing then we lose out on the exercise, the fresh air and the relaxed feeling of being down at the beach; but if we go down to the beach well have a different loss. We ll lose the satisfaction of continuing to do something creative — our writing — and we may feel frustrated by not having made more progress with our writing when tomorrow comes. So, whether we continue to write or whether we go to the beach, we have to accept that there is a loss either way. If we choose one alternative, we lose the other. One of the main blocks to making decisions occurs when people don’t properly look at the loss or cost component involved. Frequently we discover that accepting the loss or cost associated with a decision is more difficult than choosing between the positive aspects of the alternative choices. It can be very helpful to tell a person about the loss or cost component in decision-making, and to explain this as applied to their particular dilemma. For example, we might say, 'If you choose option A, what are your losses going to be?’ and ‘If you choose option B, what are your losses going to be?’, and then ask them whether they would be able to accept those losses. The choice is not just a choice between two positives, but also a choice that involves choosing between two losses and deciding which loss is acceptable, if either. Focusing on the loss or cost component of an option, as well as the positive component, makes it easier for people to reach decisions and resolve their dilemmas.

THE EFFECT OF POLARITIES Resolution of dilemmas is difficult for most people. Part of that difficulty is due to the polarities that exist within us. Let me, David, go back to the previous example where we looked at the dilemma of continuing to write or going to the beach. Right now it is as though there are two parts of me. One part of me wants to go for a swim, and the other part of me wants to stay here and continue writing this book. 1 have found that it is very helpful for a person if 1 describe their dilemma in terms of parts of themselves. For example, 1 might say, 'Part of you wants to make choice A and another part of you wants to make choice 13. These are both valid parts of you. 1 hey both exist in you at the same time.’ 1 can ask the person to tell me about the part that wants option A and to explore that part fully, and then to tell me about the part that wants option 13 and to explore that fully. By doing this, 1 allow the person to integrate and own two opposite parts of self and not feel confused, but rather accept that both are valid parts of self (see Chapter 23, which deals with parts of self). 1 he person is then empowered to accept that choosing one of the options means letting go of the other option, and that involves a cost or the acceptance of a loss: the loss of the option that is not chosen.

THE MYTH OF THE 'RIGHT CHOICE Many people have been taught as children that there is always a correct choice, and that when confronted by a dilemma the choice of one option is correct and the choice of another is wrong. Confusion often arises from the unrealistic expectation that choice involves a decision between black and white, or between right and wrong. In reality, most human decisions involve deciding between shades of grey, where both options have advantages or positive qualities and both have costs or disadvantages. Remember, if I choose option A, I lose option 13, and that loss is part of the cost of choosing option A. T o resolve a dilemma and choose one option, 1 have to let go of the other. T he letting go is often the hard pail. If you let a person who is seeking your help know that, they may find it easier to reach a decision. FINDING CREATIVE SOLUTIONS At times, dilemmas can be resolved by doing some creative thinking and introducing a new option so that the extent of any loss is reduced. If we use the example regarding whether we, Kathryn and David, should continue writing or go to the beach, there is a third option. We could decide to continue writing for a while and then stop and go to the beach. T his new option might provide a win-win solution! In fact, having talked about our choice with each other, this is what we have both decided to do. We have decided to continue writing for another hour and then go to the beach. This is convenient because we both like working and relaxing together.

GIVING A PERSON PERMISSION TO STAY STUCK Sometimes a person will stay stuck and will be unable to resolve a dilemma even though the issues are clearly understood. As new counsellors, we often worried when a person was stuck and would sometimes prolong a counselling session unnecessarily in an effort to tty to 'unstick1 the person and lead them to a satisfying solution. We now realise that such counsellor behaviour is not very helpful. It is much more helpful to reflect back to the person their ‘stuckness’, and to say, Took, it seems as though we’ve come to an impasse. There doesn’t seem to be an easy solution, and today you seem to be stuck and don’t know which way to go. Let’s leave it there. Come back another time and we will talk together again.’ By saying this, the counsellor gives the person permission to remain stuck, reduces the pressure to make a quick decision, and lets the person know that they are welcome to come back again to continue working on the issue. Sometimes they will come back the next time saying, 'I’ve made a decision,’ because they were given permission to stay stuck and effectively given time to think through what was discussed in the previous session without pressure. At other times they will remain stuck. Then the counsellor’s goal is to assist them to come to terms with the consequences of being stuck in what may be a painful or uncomfortable situation. The counsellor can do this by assisting them to verbalise their emotional feelings about being stuck, and then encouraging them to talk about how they will cope with being stuck. In the next chapter we will try to develop a deeper understanding of the process required to help a person deal with blocks to decision-ma king. However, remember that it is OK to allow a person to remain ‘stuck’. Often experiencing being stuck for a while is necessary before progress can be made. A creative way to enable a person to explore options is to use an experiential approach, as described in Chapter 27.

Learning summary It is often difficult for a person to recognise their options when faced with making a decision. Having recognised their options, a person may find it difficult to choose between them. It is preferable to invite the person seeking help to suggest their own options regarding a problem, before suggesting additional ones. New options may be tentatively suggested by the counsellor if important alternatives have been missed. (Are there any 'win-win' options?) All the options need to be summarised clearly before discussing each in turn. Dealing with the least desirable options first may be helpful, as it may exclude them. It can be useful to encourage a person to examine the positive and negative aspects of each option, carefully considering Likely consequences. There is usually a loss or cost involved in making a choice between alternatives and, often, accepting this loss is the hardest part of making a decision. Many, if not most, decisions are not choices between black and white, but rather choices between shades of grey.

Further reading Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B. & Zalaqiaett, C.P. 2015, Influencing client actions and decisions, in A.E. Ivey, M.B. Ivey & C.P. Zalaquett, Essentials oj Intentional Interviewing: Counselling in a Multicultural IV orId, Cengage Learning, Boston, pp. 232—54.