24. 重构

本章知识点阐述

24 Reframing Have you ever noticed how two people who observe the same event, such as a game of football, will give different descriptions of what happened? We all have individual perspectives, and the way that another person sees things may well be different from the way that you or 1 see things. Sometimes people who come for counselling have a very negative view of the world. They interpret events as they see them, blit often viewed from a position of depression or low self-esteem. The counsellor needs to listen very carefully to their description of the events or situation, and then try to look from the person’s viewpoint and picture what they have described. Their picture, painted from their own perspective, will have a frame that is appropriate for them because it fits with their own particular mood and viewpoint.

THE PROCESS OF REFRAMING Sometimes a skilful counsellor can change the way a person perceives events or situations by refraining the picture they have described. I he counsellor, metaphorically speaking, puts a new frame around the picture so that the picture looks different. The idea behind refraining is not to deny the way the person sees the world, but to present them with an expanded view of the world. 1 hen, if they wish, the person may choose to see things in a new way. It would be quite useless to say to someone, ‘ Things are not really as bad as you think; cheer up!’, if they really see the world in a very negative way. However, it may be possible to describe what they see in such a way that they have a broader vision of what has occurred and so are able to think less negatively.

Figure 24.1 The person's initial picture Figure 24.2 The reframed picture

EXAMPLES OF REFRAMING Example 1 The person seeking help has explained that she seems to be unable to relax, because as soon as she turns her back her young son misbehaves and she has to chase after him and punish him. The counsellor has reflected back her feelings about this and now she is calmer. At this point the counsellor decides to offer her a reframe concerning the behaviour of her son. Counsellor reframe: 'I get the impression that you are really important to your son and that he wants lots of attention from you.' By making this statement, the counsellor has reframed the son’s behaviour in a positive way, so that the mother may, if she accepts the re frame, feel important and needed. Maybe she will start to believe that her son is really crying out for more attention and will see his behaviour differently: rather than his behaviour being designed to annoy her, she may see it as designed to attract her attention so that he can get more of her time. By refraining the child’s behaviour in this way, there is a possibility that the mother may feel more positive towards her son and that this change in relationship could bring about a change in behaviour. Example 2 The person seeking help has explained that he is continually getting angry with his daughter, who will not study and attend to her schoolwork but instead prefers to play around with what he describes as yobbos'. He explains how he can hardly cope with his anger and is getting uptight and feeling very miserable. Counsellor reframe: 'It seems as though you care so much about your daughter, and you care so much about her turning out to be the sort of person that you want her to be, that you are prepared to sacrifice your own needs for a relaxed and enjoyable life, instead putting a great deal of energy into trying to correct her behaviour.' This re frame allows the father to feel positive about himself instead of feeling negative and angry. He may now be able to see himself as caring about his daughter, and also may be able to see that he is putting his daughter’s needs ahead of his own. He is reminded of his need to be relaxed and enjoy his own life. The reframe might take some of the tension out of the situation by removing the focus from the daughter and putting it onto the person himself.

Example 3 The person seeking help has separated from her husband against her will. Her husband is now pushing her away and hurting her badly by refusing to talk to her or to see her. She has shared her pain and suffering and the counsellor has reflected her feelings and allowed her to explore them fully. However, the counsellor now reframes the husband's behaviour. Counsellor reframe: 'You've described the way you see your husband pushing you away and not being prepared to talk to you, and that hurts you terribly. I'm wondering whether it is possible that what he is doing is really a result of his own inadequacy. Maybe your husband can't cope with the emotional pressure of talking to you, feels guilty when he sees you, and it's easier for him to avoid seeing you altogether rather than to face his own emotional pain. Do you think that's possible?' When the counsellor tentatively proposes this alternative, the person may see that there could be other reasons for her husband refusing to have anything to do with her, and that it may be that he is also hulling and can’t face the experience of seeing her. T he counsellor’s goal is to try to make it easier for her to accept her husband’s rejection. Example 4 A senior executive has described to the counsellor how terrified he is of having to stand up and address a large meeting of professionals the following week, even though he wants to have the opportunity to tell them about the work he has done. The counsellor has reflected his feelings and allowed him, to some extent, to work through them. _he counsellor then offers the following reframe. Counsellor reframe: ’It seems to me that you have mixed feelings about giving the talk. At times I almost get the impression that you are looking forward to it, and yet you say that you are very anxious about it. I am wondering if it would be possible for you to think of your anxiety as blocked excitement. Sometimes anxiety takes over when a person stops themselves from being excited. If they can let go and allow themselves to be enthusiastic and excited, then the anxiety reduces or even disappears as it is replaced by excitement.' 1 he counsellor here is using a useful reframe from Gestalt Therapy by reframing anxiety as blocked excitement. Very often, holding our emotional selves in and putting restraints on ourselves prevents us from enjoying the exciting parts of our lives as we negatively reframe exciting events as anxious moments. A good example of this is the way a bride may prepare for her wedding. One way of thinking about going through the wedding ceremony and the reception is to say, ‘Wow, that’s a really anxiety-producing situation’. Another way of looking at it, a reframe, is to say, ‘Wow, this is going to be a really exciting day and it’s going to be fun’.

Example 5 The person seeking help explains how he is frequently being hurt by the boss, who ignores him. The boss doesn't even look at him and she doesn't say 'Hello' when she meets him in the morning. She walks straight past him. Counsellor reframe: 'You've explained to me how your boss walks straight past you without noticing you, and I'm wondering if there is an alternative explanation for what's happening. Sure, it may be that she really does intend to snub you. On the other hand, is it possible that she gets terribly preoccupied and really isn't on this planet half the time?' In this reframe, the counsellor is presenting an alternative that may be partly true. It’s quite likely that the boss is sometimes preoccupied, and that may be a partial explanation. By putting this possible explanation up as an alternative, the counsellor takes some of the sting out of the boss ignoring the person, and he may then feel less uptight in his relationship with her. Example 6 The person seeking help explained to the counsellor his feelings of inadequacy and failure. He knew that he was intellectually bright and that made him feel worse because he never completed any project he started. He would start enthusiastically and soon lose interest. He was deeply depressed by a long string of past 'failures' - things that he had started and then left half-finished. Counsellor reframe: 'You seem to be a very intelligent person who is quite capable of completing any of the projects you have started. My guess is that you are excited by new projects because they present a challenge, and that you lose interest only when you believe that the challenge is easy for you to meet. Because you are highly intelligent you very quickly get bored and look for new stimulation." This reframe enables the person to feel good about himself instead of perceiving himself as a failure. He is then left with the possibility that he can decide to do the boring thing and complete a project if he wishes, or can choose to continue looking for excitement and stimulation without feeling so guilty. As you can see, re framing needs to be done carefully, sensitively and tentatively. If it is done in this way, it is more likely to be accepted by the person seeking help. Sometimes, though, the person may not think that the re frame fits. However, by being offered an alternative way of viewing things they may be able to broaden their perspective, with a resulting reduction in their distressing feelings.

PRACTICE EXAMPLES FOR REFRAMING You might like to try refraining the statements made by persons seeking help given in Examples 7 to 11 below. After suggesting a reframe yourself, you might like to compare your reframe with the one we have suggested. Our suggested reframes are provided after Example 11. Example 7 Person seeking help: ! crave a Long-term relationship with someone, and all I get is short relationship after short relationship. I just don't seem to be able to hold on to my women friends. They always criticise me for being so restless and for never relaxing, and none of them want to stay with me.' Example 8 Person seeking help: JMy father hates me. I'm sure. He picks on me for everything I do. All the time he follows me around and complains about my behaviour. He wants me to behave like a toffy-nosed snob instead of a normal human being. Not only that, but he's always nagging me to study more'' Example 9 Person seeking help: Tve got so much that I have to do in a day and I get so angry with myself because 1 keep making mistakes. Sure, I get lots done, but I keep forgetting things and mixing arrangements up. I'm hopeless. When will I learn?' Example 10 Person seeking help: Tm furious with my mother. She lets my sister, Annette, manipulate her with suicide threats and her refusal to eat properly. Mum rushes around attending to her every need. It's just not fair on Mum and I wish Mum would stop doing it.' Example 11 Person seeking help: 'My sons unemployed again, and I resent havin g to support him financially. Why should I spend my money on a person who's mean and nasty to me? It would serve him right if I let him starve. What annoys me is that he knows that he can treat me badly and then twist me around his little finger and I will support him. I'm angry at myself for being so stupid as to be manipulated so easily.'

SUGGESTED REFRAMES FOR PRACTICE EXAMPLES Example 7 'You must be attractive to the opposite sex to be able to start so many new relationships. By the sound of it you have plenty of energy, and I wonder whether the women friends you've had would have been able to satisfy you for very long.' Example 8 'Do you think it's possible that your father doesn't hate you but just worries excessively about you? Maybe he desperately wants you to be a success and worries in case you fail in life.' Example 9 'People who do nothing never make mistakes. Making mistakes could be a sign that you are, to use your words, ''getting lots done". You could feel good about that.' Example 10 'Your mother must care a great deal about Annette to choose to do what she does.' Example 11 'You must be a very caring person to choose to support your son, especially as you don't like his behaviour much.'

Learning summary Reframing provides an expanded picture, which may enable the person seeking help to perceive their situation differently and more constructively. Reframing needs to be done sensitively and carefully. A reframe should be offered in such a way that the person seeking help can feel comfortable either in choosing to accept it or in choosing to reject it. Further reading 13andlei\ R., (1rinder, J. & Andteas. (’. 1989, Refnwiiiig: Neurolinguistic Ihogiainmiiig and the Iransformation of Meaning, Kcal People Press, Moab, UT. Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.13. & Zalaquett, C.P. 2015, ‘Reflections of meaning and in teip rotation/re framing’, in A.E. Ivey, M.B. Ivey & C.P. Zalaquett, Essentials of Intentional Interviewing: Counselling in a Multicultural World, C en gage Learning, Boston, pp. 198—216. O’Connor, J. & Seymour, J. 2003, Introducing A LR Neuro-Linguistic Programming, 2nd edn, Thorsons, London.