23. 探索两极

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23 Exploring polarities We are stating the obvious when we say that the human personality is incredibly complex, because it certainly is. Even though it is complex, it can be useful to describe the human personality in terms of easily understandable models in order to help us conceptualise aspects of human behaviour. Any model we use is certain to be an over simplification, but even so a model can be useful in helping us to understand more fully what happens in ourselves and in the people who seek our help. In this chapter we will consider two models which are of particular value with regard to our understanding of the existence of different parts of self in the human personality, and the way in which a person’s awareness of opposites within themselves can be raised through counselling. These models can also be very useful if we explain them to a person who seeks our help and use them in a way which enables the person to change and feel more comfortable. The models are: 1 the iceberg model 2 the polarities model. THE ICEBERG MODEL A good metaphor to illustrate opposites in the human personality is the iceberg, as illustrated in Figure 23.1. An iceberg floats so that most of it is below the waterline and cannot be seen. Human beings are a bit like that. As you get to know a person, you will see parts of their personality. You will see those parts that are, metaphorically speaking, above the waterline. There are other parts of that person’s personality too, but you do not see these as they are submerged below the waterline. Even the person concerned is unlikely to be fully aware of all those parts which are below the waterline. Icebergs have a tendency to roll over from time to time, and as they roll over, some parts of the iceberg that had previously been submerged come into sight. From time to time, hidden parts of a person’s personality come unexpectedly into view, rather like those parts of the iceberg that show when it rolls over. Sometimes it is other people who are surprised by what they see when this happens, and sometimes it is the person concerned who gets a surprise. I he most commonly talked about opposites in human feelings are love and hate. How often have you heard someone talk about a love/hate relationship? You may be aware from your own experience that a love/hate relationship can exist. If we have a strong capacity for loving, then it is likely that we also have the potential to

Figure 23.1 The iceberg model of human personality hate. We may of course deny our capacity to hate. Just imagine the iceberg with the word dove’ sitting on the top, out in the open for everyone to see, and the word hate7 right down below the sea, and hidden from view. The danger exists that one day the iceberg will roll over and the 'hate’ side will be all that will be seen tor a while. lime and time again we see a relationship where a couple fall in love and then the relationship breaks up, and the love that was there is replaced not with something neutral but with hate. Hostility and friendship are on opposites sides of the iceberg. Sometimes if we are feeling very angry’ with somebody, our hostility prevents us from forgiving them and being friendly towards them. Forgiveness and acceptance are on the opposite side of the iceberg to anger and hostility. If the iceberg rolls around so that anger is uppermost, then forgiveness is buried beneath the sea. DENIAL OF 'NEGATIVE' EMOTIONS Many of us are taught from childhood to deny what our parents, teachers and other significant persons regard as negative emotions. Parents often put angry feelings into this category and tell their children not to be angry but to calm down. Similarly, some parents tell their children not to cry and teach them to disown feelings of pain and hurt. Stereo typically, such parental behaviour is often directed towards boys who may be told that 'boys don’t cry’. As a result, many children learn to think that angry feelings and feelings of pain and hurt are negative emotions and start to disown them, saying things such as lNo, I’m not ailgry’, when they are really veiy aftgry indeed, or (No, it doesn’t hurt’, when it certainly does. A common example of distress caused by suppressing a part of self is the depression caused by repressed anger. As counsellors, we have found that many people who are depressed are unable to express their anger. Often, when we suggest to them that maybe they feel angry with a person who has done something wrong to them, we will be met with a denial: 'No, I’m not angry, I’m just sad’, they will say. Gradually, however, as the counselling relationship builds, they will begin to express themselves more fully. After a while, as anger starts to emerge, the depression will start to lift. At first the anger will be barely expressed and will be described in very mild terms using words such as 'frustration’, but gradually it will gain momentum. The more this happens, the more the depression recedes. Similarly, repressed anger may block the ability of a person to forgive. Sometimes, a person who has high moral values will be concerned because they wish to forgive someone but find themselves unable to do so. However, once they are able to get in touch with their anger towards the person they wish to forgive, and fully experience that anger, they are often able to allow the iceberg to roll over and experience forgiveness. It is somewhat paradoxical that if we fully accept, and own, our anger, then we are more likely to be able to deal with it constructively rather than express it destructively. By owning our anger, it will often spontaneously disappear or reduce in intensity, and in its place we are likely to experience a more comfortable emotion. It is important, however, to recognise that we have a potential to be angry, and to own that potential rather than to pretend it isn’t there. Then, once it is owned, we have a choice as to how we can deal with it.

USEFULNESS OF THE ICEBERG MODEL IN COUNSELLING Sometimes it may be helpful for a person seeking help if the counsellor describes the iceberg model and explains that it is normal for human beings to have within them the capacity to experience a range of emotions and behaviours, some of which are opposite to others. In this way it may be possible to help the person to expand their self-awareness and to get in touch with repressed emotions. THE POLARITIES MODEL The polarities model, taken from Gestalt Therapy, is in some ways similar to the iceberg model, but with an important difference. As in the iceberg, Gestalt Therapy recognises the existence of opposites in feelings, attitudes, beliefs and behaviours in each human being. I bis is seen as a normal human condition. In the Gestalt polarities model these opposites are viewed as separated polarities that cause inner conflict and confusion to the person unless they are fully accepted and integrated. Whereas in the iceberg model it is assumed that one polarity or the other will be submerged at any one time, the Gestalt model places emphasis on integrating the polarities so that both polarities are fully owned in the "here and now' and can be accessed freely as a person chooses. USEFULNESS OF THE POLARITIES MODEL 1 he polarities model can be useful for helping a person to feel OK about accepting and owning what they initially believe are undesirable or negative qualities or emotions. As counsellors, we can tell a person that for every’ so-called positive or desirable emotion, attitude, belief, behaviour or quality, normal human beings may also have an opposite emotion, attitude, belief or quality. This is normal and therefore OK. Such thinking can free up the person to deal with all their emotions, personal qualities, traits and attributes. Using a Gestalt Therapy counselling approach, the process involves integrating the polarities so that any two opposite polarities are seen as ends of a continuum rather than as discrete and separate from each other. Opposite polarities can then be accepted as coexisting parts of self. This allows the person to recognise and own any two opposite polarities and to feel free to move to a more comfortable position on the continuum between them. As a result, the person is empowered by the recognition that they can, if they wish, choose to be at either polarity or at any intermediate point on the continuum. Through this recognition they may be enabled to strengthen those parts of themselves that they would like to strengthen, and can grow as a person accordingly. For example, someone who has previously seen themselves as timid may recognise an inner ability to be assertive. Having recognised this, they then have the choice to move along the continuum — timid to assertive — to a position that suits them at any particular time and in any particular situation. ACCEPTANCE OF POLARITIES WITHIN SELF It’s important for all of us to recognise and own that opposites exist within us as human beings. If we want to strengthen a particular quality, then we need to accept and deal with its opposite. To be honest with ourselves we need to be able to say: 'I’m capable of loving and hating’; ‘I’m capable of being angry and I’m capable of being forgiving’; ‘I’m capable of being tolerant and capable of being intolerant’; ‘I’m capable of being generous and miserly’; ‘I’m capable of being optimistic and being pessimistic7; ‘I’m capable of being fun-loving and being a kill joy7; ‘Fin capable of being light hearted and being serious7; or Tm capable of being religious and of having doubts about my religious values and beliefs’. In order to feel integrated and comfortable within ourselves, we need to accept all the parts of ourselves, and not just those parts that are socially acceptable and consistent with being a ‘nice’ person. People often come to counselling because they are unable to accept parts of themselves. It seems as if parts of themselves have become submerged beneath the sea, never to be seen and never to be owned. The submerged parts are continually wanting to surface, and there is an inner struggle to prevent the iceberg from rolling over. Naturally such people feel considerable discomfort when they tty to keep parts of themselves submerged and try to deny parts of themselves that really want to be HELPING A PERSON TO INTEGRATE POLARITIES 1 here is more than one way in which to help a person to integrate polarities within themselves. We can do this by using the iceberg model with them, and helping them to recognise and own opposites within self. Alternatively, we can make use of an active experiential method which involves role-play and has its origins in Gestalt Therapy and psycho drama. This method is described in Chapter 27.

Learning summary Human beings have polarities or opposites in their personalities. Generally we try to show the more acceptable polarities but sometimes the opposite polarities emerge. If we can accept the hidden parts of ourselves, then we will be better able to deal with them and to strengthen their opposites, if that is what we want. Experiential role-play methods can be useful in enabling a person seeking help to accept and integrate polarities so that they feel better. Further reading Clarkson, P. & Cavicchia, S. 2014, Gestalt GoHnselliug in Xrtii&l, 4th edn, SAGE, London. Houston, G. 2003, Brief Gestalt Therapy, SAGE, London.