20. 挑战自我破坏性的信念

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20 Challenging self-destructive beliefs Albert Ellis introduced the idea of challenging what he called irrational beliefs and developed a model of counselling that is now called Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy. We will briefly describe the basis of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy and then discuss the usefulness of challenging self-destructive beliefs when using an integrative counselling approach. RATIONAL EMOTIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY (REBT) Central to Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) is the ABCDE model described by Dryden and Neenan (2004). A diagrammatic representation of this model is shown in Figure 20.1. This model is dependent on the notion of irrational beliefs. It is assumed that a sequence of events as described in Figure 20.1 occurs that leads a person to experience uncomfortable emotions or to engage in maladaptive behaviours. The letters ABCDE are the first letters of words that describe the sequence. The letter A represents the first stage of the sequence, which is an activating event. According to REBT theory the activating event triggers off an irrational belief represented by the B. The consequence (C) of this irrational belief is the person’s response, involving unhelpful emotions or behaviours. D represents the stage where the counsellor disputes the irrational belief, helping the person to replace the irrational belief with a more constructive belief. Finally, E represents the effects of disputing, as a result of which the person will hopefully experience more helpful emotions and behaviours. Once an irrational belief has been disputed and replaced by a more useful belief, it is expected that similar activating events in the future will result in more positive consequences as the person moves through the A, B and C stages. It can be seen that the REBT approach does not encourage the person to express emotions but instead encourages them to focus on their beliefs and behaviours. CHALLENGING SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BELIEFS WITHIN AN INTEGRATIVE COUNSELLING APPROACH We are all entitled to have our own attitudes, beliefs and thoughts. They are ours and no one has the right to tell us that we should change them. Our attitudes are intrinsically ours, and we have the right to choose what we will believe and think,

Figure 20.1 The ABCDE model AActivating event BBeliefs - rational or irrational CConsequences - emotional or behavioural DDisputing irrational beliefs EEffects of disputing irrational beliefs and what we won’t. Consequently, counsellors need to respect the rights of people seeking their help to do this. However, an important role for counsellors is to help people change so that they will feel better. As discussed in Chapter 15, as integrative counsellors we believe that the most effective long-term change is achieved if emotions, thoughts and behaviours are all addressed. In order for this to happen, it is important to explore the person’s attitudes, beliefs and thoughts. Although any changes to attitudes, beliefs and thoughts need to be made by the person seeking help as a result of their own choice, the counsellor has a legitimate responsibility to help them recognise when their attitudes, beliefs and thoughts may be self-destructive. Counsellors may confront a person who is seeking help, as discussed in Chapter 19, if their attitudes, beliefs and thoughts are incongruent or may have socially undesirable consequences (see Chapter 40 regarding ethical issues). Although, as we have said, as counsellors we do not have the right to impose our values on those who seek our help, it is most certainly a legitimate part of our role, and a responsibility, for us to raise their awareness of their choices. As a consequence of helping a person to bring into focus the choices that are available for them, they can be enabled to make new choices, if these fit for them and are appropriate, so that positive change can occur in their feelings, thoughts and behaviours. Many people do not seem to be aware of the possibility that they may, if they wish, change the way they are thinking, or the beliefs they have, in order to help them lead more satisfying lives. Many hold on to beliefs that are unhelpful for them, and indeed may be self-destructive. As explained previously, Ellis, the originator of REBT, introduced the idea of challenging irrational or self-destructive beliefs. We believe that there is often an advantage in using the word 'self-destructive’ rather than 'irrational’. This is because some beliefs which are self-destructive are not necessarily irrational. We have found that sometimes when we use the word 'irrational’, the person we are seeking to help will correctly argue that their belief is not irrational. It is clearly not helpful for counsellors to get into arguments with those they seek to help. Also, some people may feel offended if we suggest that their beliefs are irrational, as most individuals like to see themselves as rational beings. In comparison, if we gently suggest that what a person believes may be unhelpful for them and therefore self-destructive, they may be more willing to accept our suggestion. We consider that there are two categories of self-destructive beliefs, or SDBs for short. These are: 1 ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘ought’ and ‘have to’ beliefs 2 beliefs involving unrealistic expectations. 'SHOULD', 'MUST', 'OUGHT' AND 'HAVE TO' BELIEFS People often make statements using the words ‘1 should’, ‘1 must’, ‘1 ought’ or ‘1 have to’. Sometimes the words are spoken with enthusiasm, firmness and meaning, and it is clear that the person feels good about doing whatever it is that they ‘should do’, ‘must do’, ‘ought to do’, or think they ‘have to do’ — and that’s OK. At other times the words are spoken in an unconvincing way, as though some other person is saying to them ‘you should’, ‘you must’, ‘you ought’ or ‘you have to’, and the person is reluctantly, uncomfortably and maybe resentfully accepting that message. When this occurs, they are likely to feel confused and emotionally disturbed. If they conform with the ‘should’ message, they may feel like a small child reluctantly and miserably doing as they are told by others. 1 hey will not feel as though they are fully in control of their life, and will not recognise their behaviour as being of their own choosing. If, on the other hand, they disregard the ‘should’ message, they may feel guilty, with consequent negative results. The goal of counselling in such instances is to help the person to feel more comfortable with their decisions, so that when they make a choice they do it willingly, and without feelings of either resentment or guilt. Provided underlying issues are correctly and fully addressed, this goal is usually achievable. WHERE DO 'SHOULD', 'MUST, 'OUGHT AND 'HAVE TO' BELIEFS COME FROM? As children we grow up in a world in which we have no experience. We do not know the difference between right and wrong, and we cannot distinguish good behaviour from bad behaviour. However, we learn, initially from our parents and close family, and then from others such as teachers, friends and social or religious leaders. We learn from the people who care for us, from what they tell us verbally and by watching and copying their behaviour. Gradually we absorb a system of values, attitudes and beliefs. It is right and proper that we do so. As we grow through childhood and adolescence there comes a time when we start to challenge and rebel against some of the beliefs we have absorbed from others. Interestingly, though, many people, by the time they are young adults, hold on to most of the beliefs and values of their parents while having rejected some. As children it is clearly appropriate that we learn and absorb the beliefs of our parents and significant others. There is no other way for us to learn, because as children our experience is too limited for us to make mature judgements for ourselves. As adults, we do have experience and it is appropriate for each of us to determine for ourselves which beliefs fit and make sense for us as individuals and which beliefs do not fit. We can then keep what fits and reject what does not. We can replace what doesn’t fit with something new that does. BELIEFS THAT DON'T FIT Sometimes when a person uses the words ‘should’, ‘must’, ‘ought’ or "have to’, they are stating a belief that has its origins in their childhood, and which they are holding on to, but which does not fit for them now. If they really accepted the belief as their own they would be more likely to say ‘I’ve decided’, ‘I want to’ or ‘I choose to’, rather than ‘I should’, ‘I must’, ‘1 ought’ or 4 have to’. Of course we are describing the general case and this is not always true. What is important is for us to encourage the people who seek our help to own their choices as being morally right and fitting for them, rather than for them to attribute their decisions to an external moral code imposed on them by others or through childhood conditioning. The problem with ‘shoulds’, 'musts’, ‘oughts’ and ‘have tos’ is that often the words spoken are believed at a head or thinking level, but do not sit comfortably at a gut or feeling level. Where there is a mismatch between what is happening at a head level and what is being experienced at an emotional level, the person will be confused and emotionally distressed. Human beings are holistic beings, so we cannot separate our emotional feelings, our bodily sensations, our thoughts and our spiritual experiences into discrete compartments. They all interrelate and must be in harmony with each other if we are to feel integrated and comfortable. CHALLENGING 'SHOULD', 'MUST, 'OUGHT AND 'HAVE TO' BELIEFS Sometimes a person will use an '1 should’ statement and then express reluctance to do what they have said they ‘should’ do. In such a case it can be useful to raise their awareness of what is happening internally so that they become more fully aware of their options. We like to explain to the person where many ‘1 should’ messages come from, and to ask them where they think this particular ‘I should’ message has come from. We then encourage them to check out whether the message sits comfortably with them. If it does, that is great. If it doesn’t, they can, if they choose, challenge the ‘I should’ message and maybe replace it with something that fits more comfortably for them. Alternatively, they may decide that the message fits for them and accept it more willingly. A similar approach can be used when helping people to challenge 'ought’, ‘must’ and 'have to’ statements. BELIEFS INVOLVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS Many self-destructive beliefs involve unrealistic expectations of self, others or the world in general. Some of these beliefs will lead to use ot the words ‘should’, 'must’ or 'ought’, but others won't. Like the self-destructive beliefs described previously, these beliefs are often absorbed from others during childhood. A good example of a belief involving unrealistic expectations is the belief that life will be fair and just. Life experience clearly demonstrates that life is often unfair and unjust, it is therefore unhelpful to assume that it will be fair and just, as this sets a person up to have unrealistic expectations. A more helpful belief might be: 'Unfortunately life is not always fair and just. If I can accept that, then I may be able to make sensible decisions to deal with those things which are unjust and unfair.' HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS We frequently hear people say things like, ‘she should ...’, ‘people should ...’ and ‘they ought to ...' By saying such things the speaker is assuming that other people will have the same values as they do and is putting their own expectations onto other people. To do this is unrealistic and consequently unhelpful. Counsellors frequently encounter people who are distressed as a result of others failing to live up to their expectations. However, when they recognise that their expectations are unrealistic, they often experience a sense of loss and need to be allowed to grieve. For example, a person might say, ‘1 expected my brother to care about me, but he doesn’t’. Having recognised this, the person experiences a loss of expectations and is likely to be saddened by the loss. 1 able 20.1 gives some examples of common self-destructive beliefs and helpful alternatives. Notice how the self-destructive belief is certain to make the person feel bad, whereas the helpful alternative is likely to enable them to adjust and adapt to the reality of life so that they can feel better. CHALLENGING BELIEFS THAT INVOLVE UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS If a person verbalises a self-destructive belief, it can be useful to encourage them to question the belief by asking a question such as, ‘Is it realistic to expect that life will be fair and just?' By doing this the person is very likely to challenge their own self-destructive belief, that life should be fair and just. If they do, you may invite them to suggest a more useful alternative. You may wish to explain the difference between self-destmctive and helpful beliefs to the person. You can then encourage them to write down a list of their self-destructive beliefs and replace them with more helpful alternatives. Remember that a person has the right to retain what you may believe are unhelpful beliefs if they wish. It is their choice, so do not attempt to persuade them to change. However, you might suggest that they consider the consequences for them of continuing to hold on to these beliefs. As when confronting, skill and care are essential when challenging self-destmctive beliefs. Ideally the challenge will come from the person rather than the counsellor.

Table 20.1 Common self-destructive beliefs and helpful alternatives SELF-DESTRUCTIVE BELIEFHELPFUL ALTERNATIVE 1 must never make mistakes.The only way not to make mistakes is to do nothing. I'm active, and all active people make mistakes. Other people should not make mistakes.No ones perfect. 1 can accept that other people will make mistakes. Other people make me angry.1 make myself angry when 1 don't accept that other people don't live up to my expectations. Other people should live up to my expectations.Other people don't need to live up to my expectations. My happiness depends on other people's behaviour and attitudes.My happiness comes from within me and does not depend on others. 1 must live up to other people's expectations.1 don't need to Live up to other people's expectations to be OK. 1 must win.According to the law of averages most people only win 50 per cent of the time. 1 don't need to win to feel OK. Life should be fair and just.L fe is not fair and just. Other people are bad if they do not have the same beliefs, attitudes and values as me.All good people do not think the same or necessarily have the same bei efs, attitudes and values. 1 must get my own way.1 do not need to get my own way to feel OK, and 1 can sometimes get satisfaction out of letting other people have their own way. 1 need other people's approval to feel OK.It's nice to get other people's approval, but 1 do not need their approval to feel OK. 1 must always please other people.It's unrealistic to expect that 1 can always please other people. 1 must never get angry.It's OK to be angry sometimes. 1 should always be happy.There is a time to be happy and a time to be sad. 1 must not cry.It's OK to cry. 1 can't be happy if people misjudge me.People sometimes will misjudge me. “hat's inevitable. But 1 know that I'm OK and that's what matters.

However, it can be helpful for a counsellor to explain the nature, origin and effects of self-destructive beliefs, so that the person is able to recognise and challenge them. IN CONCLUSION As explained, the ideas expressed in this chapter have their origins in REBT, although, in contrast to the approach described here, Rational Emotive Behaviour therapists are usually direct in their efforts to challenge and persuade the people who seek their help and describe self-destructive beliefs as irrational. If such an approach appeals to you then you may wish to learn more about REBT once you have mastered basic counselling skills (see ‘References and further reading’). Learning summary • • • • The idea of challenging self-destructive beliefs stems from REBT. Self-destructive beliefs include 'should', 'must', ought' and have to' beliefs involving unrealistic expectations. Many self-destructive beliefs come from messages absorbed during childhood. Self-destructive beliefs can be challenged so that they can be replaced with constructive beliefs. References and further reading Dry den. W. & Neenan, M. 2004, The Rational Emotive Behavioural Approach to Therapeutic Change, SAGE, London. ITryden, W. & Neenan, M. 2014, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy: 100 Key Points and 'Techniques, 2nd edn, Routledge, East Sussex. Ellis, A. & Efryden, W. 2007, The Practice of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, 2nd edn, Springer, New York.