19. 面质

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19 Confrontation What do you feel emotionally when you decide to confront someone? Many people feel apprehensive and worry about the outcome of confrontation. What is it like for you when someone confronts you? Is it sometimes threatening? It may be. Generally when we use the word ‘confrontation’ we think in terms of opposing parties and of people disagreeing as they confront each other. In such a situation the person being confronted is likely to feel threatened and may become defensive, while the person doing the confronting is likely to feel anxiety. CONFRONTATION IN COUNSELLING Confrontation as a counselling skill is different from the generally perceived view of confrontation. The micro-skill of confrontation involves raising the awareness of the person seeking help by presenting to them information that in some way they are overlooking or failing to identify. Correct use of this skill involves bringing into the person’s awareness, in an acceptable way, information that they may consider to be unpalatable and which is either being avoided or is just not being noticed. How do you help a child to swallow medicine that doesn’t taste nice? You can either force it down the child’s throat or use a more gentle persuasive approach. The problem with trying to force the medicine down is that the child may well vomit it up and your relationship with the young person will not be improved. Respecting the child’s feelings is likely to have a more positive outcome than ignoring them. —s Similarly, people who seek counselling help deserve a high degree of ( respect, and they usually don’t like being told painful truths. Metaphorically speaking, the art of good confrontation is to help the person to swallow ‘bad medicine’ voluntarily, so that they can incorporate it into their bodily system and digest it. Confrontation is clearly a difficult skill to master and should not be attempted until the skills previously described in this book have become a natural part of your counselling style. The skills you have learnt already, together with the skills described in Chapters 17 to 28, are often sufficient in themselves, making confrontation unnecessary. Additionally, it is important to avoid using confrontation until a trusting relationship has been established, as otherwise the s person seeking help is likely to feel threatened and may withdraw from the counselling process without receiving the help they need. SELF-EXAMINATION BEFORE CONFRONTATION Before using confrontation, look within yourself to examine your feelings, motives and goals. Ask yourself: ‘Do 1 want to confront because 1 am impatient and not prepared to allow this person to move at their own pace?’; 'Do 1 want to confront because 1 enjoy confrontation?’; 'Am 1 wanting to use confrontation to put my own values onto the person? ; or ‘Am I feeling angry with them and wanting to express my anger through confrontation?’ If the answer to any of these questions is Yes’, then confrontation is inappropriate. Satisfying the counsellor’s own needs is no justification for confrontation. Confrontation is most appropriately used after the use of other micro-skills has failed to sufficiently increase a person’s awareness. WHEN TO CONFRONT 1 here are a number of situations in which confrontation is appropriate. For example, confrontation is appropriate where: • the person is avoiding a basic issue that appears to be troubling them • the person is failing to recognise their own self-destructive or self-defeating behaviour • the person is failing to recognise possible serious consequences of their behaviour • the person is making self-contradictory statements • the person is excessively and inappropriately locked into talking about the past or the future and is unable to focus on the present • the person is going around in circles by repeating the same story over and over • the person’s non-verbal behaviour does not match their verbal behaviour • attention needs to be given to what is going on in the relationship between the person seeking help and the counsellor; for example, where dependency is occurring, or where a person withdraws or shows anger or some other emotion towards the counsellor. In situations such as these, the counsellor may decide to confront the person by sharing with them what they feel, notice or observe. Good confrontation usually includes elements of some or all of the following: • a reflection or brief summaw of what the person has said, so that they feel heard and understood • a statement of the counsellor s present feelings • a concrete statement of what the counsellor has noticed or observed, given without interpretation. In addition to the above, good confrontation is presented in such a way that the person can feel OK rather than attacked or put down. These points are best explained by means of examples.

EXAMPLES TO ILLUSTRATE THE USE OF CONFRONTATION Example 1 The person seeking help had been referring obliquely to her concerns about her sexuality. She mentioned the sexual problem briefly several times and then immediately deflected away from it by talking about seemingly irrelevant trivia. Counsellor confrontation: Trn puzzled because I've noticed that several times you've briefly mentioned your sexual problem and then have started talking about something quite different.' Notice how the counsellor first expressed her feelings by saying Tm puzzled’, and then gave a concrete statement of what she had noticed occurring. This response is minimally threatening as it merely feeds back to the person what the counsellor has observed, without judgement. Example 2 An angry separated husband who had been denied custody of his children was threatening to bum down the matrimonial home when his wife and children were out. Even though he had been asked about possible consequences, he failed to recognise the serious consequences of his threat. The counsellor had reflected back his anger and attitude towards his wife. This had reduced his anger level but he still felt excessively vindictive and admitted to this. Counsellor confrontation: You are so furious with your wife that you want to hurt her by destroying the family home. I m very concerned when I hear you threatening to do this because you would hurt your wife, your children and yourself. Clearly, if you were to burn down the house your children would lose their home and possessions, and you might end up in jail.' Notice how the counsellor first reflected back the feelings and content of the person’s message, followed this by a statement of his own feelings, and completed the confrontation by giving a factual statement of likely consequences. 1 his latter statement was not a statement of the counsellor s opinion, but was an accurate statement of the likely consequences. There is also an ethical issue here. Where people or property could be injured or damaged the counsellor has a clear responsibility to take action to prevent this from occurring (see Chapter 40). You may wish to discuss the issue of confidentiality in a situation such as this with your training group or supervisor.

Example 3 The person seeking help had come to the counsellor as a result of a crisis in her current relationship with a longstanding close friend. The counsellor helped her to explore past events at length, as she chose to do that. It seemed to the counsellor that nothing further would be achieved by continuing to focus on the past. However, although the person said that she wanted to talk about her present crisis, she continually recounted past events. Counsellor confrontation: 'I am puzzled. My impression is that you want to resolve your present crisis and yet you continually talk about past events. Unfortunately, the past can't be changed but what you can change is what is happening in the present.' The response started with a statement of the counsellor’s feelings — Tm puzzled’ — followed by a reflection of the person’s desire to talk about her present crisis, and then a concrete statement of what the counsellor had observed: 4You continually talk about past events’. In this example the counsellor adds another factual statement which might be useful tor the person seeking help: 'Unfortunately, the past can’t be changed but what you can change is what is happening in the present’. Remember that it is appropriate for people to deal with past events in a constructive way where those events are significantly influencing present thoughts and feelings. However, the suggested confrontation would be appropriate if a person was in­ appropriately and excessively using past history to avoid facing present problems. Example 4 Here is an example of a counsellor response that addresses repetitive behaviour by a person who kept repeating herself by going over and over the same ground. Counsellor confrontation: ‘I've noticed that we seem to be going round in circles, so I'll summarise what we've talked about ... [the end of this statement is a summary).' This example demonstrates how the person was confronted with her repetitive behaviour. The counsellor first told her what she had noticed happening, and then gave a summary. By confronting in this way, a counsellor can increase the person’s awareness of what is happening. With increased awareness the person may be able to move out of the rut in which she is stuck. However, sometimes, even after confrontation, the person will persist in going around the track again and repeating the same details. It is here that stronger confrontation is needed and the counsellor might say, Tm starting to feel frustrated, because once again we are going around the same track’.

Example 5 The person seeking help said, 'I feel really happy in my marriage,' using a very depressed tone of voice and slumping down in her chair as she spoke. Counsellor confrontation: rl noticed that your voice sounded very flat and you slumped down in your chair when you said that you felt really happy in your marriage.' Here the counsellor confronted by reflecting back what they observed without putting an interpretation on their observation. The person was then free to make her own interpretation of the feedback given. In summary, confrontation increases the person’s awareness by providing them with information which they may have been unaware of. Confrontation is best done caringly, sparingly and skilfully!

Learning summary Confrontation involves bringing into the person's awareness information which: » may be unpalatable to them, or » may have been ignored or missed and needs to be considered by them if the counselling is to be optimally helpful. Effective confrontation often includes a summary, followed by a statement of the counsellor's feelings and a concrete statement given without interpretation. Effective confrontation leaves the person seeking help feeling OK and not attacked. Further reading Ivey, A.E., Ivey, M.B. &■ Zalaquett, C.P. 2015, "Empathic confrontation’, in A.E. Ivey, M.B. Ivey & C.P. Zalaquett, Essentials of Intentional Interviewing: Counseling in a Multicultural World, 3rd edn, Cengage Learning, Boston, pp. 178—97.