18. 使用“此时此刻”的体验

本章知识点阐述

18 using the here and now experience

We all know people who are in the habit of continually complaining about their life situations, and who like to talk at length about the injustices of the world. 1’hey talk about things 'out there’, which are apparently out of their control and are the responsibility of others. Rather than saying, 'What can 1 do to change this situation?’, they use statements with words in them like ‘They should .and ‘They ought to ...’, and ‘It’s disgraceful that they don’t . Such people often go over the same ground again and again. It is almost inevitable that they will fail to move ahead, because no one can change a situation that is not within their own sphere of control. Do you ever behave like the people we’ve just described? Do you ever grumble, moan and complain about ‘out there’ things, things that are apparently other people’s responsibility rather than yours? We have to admit that at times we do. TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY Notice how we started talking about other ‘people who complain in this chapter and are now looking at ourselves. Our guess is that you were more comfortable when the discussion was about others than you were when owning your own ability to grumble and complain. It’s usually easier for us to distance ourselves from our own dysfunctional behaviour and to blame others for our problems. Unfortunately, if we complain about things that other people are doing or not doing, or about external events or situations, we are likely to get stuck in a rut of complaining, and to feel frustrated because we are powerless to bring about change. Conversely, if we focus on what we ourselves are doing, and on what is happening inside us, then we can, if we choose, take action to change what we are doing, or we can change our thinking so that we are better able to accept what is happening. FOCUSING ON THE 'HERE AND NOW' Similar logic to that just discussed applies to the present when compared with the past and future. We have no control over past events; they have already happened and we can’t change them. Similarly, we have limited control over future events; they have not happened yet and we cannot be sure what the future will bring.

Inappropriately focusing on the past or the future is likely to lead us into unending philosophising, complaining and worrying, whereas focusing on the present allows us to make sensible choices for our own satisfaction. The preceding discussion is not meant to imply that it is inappropriate and of no value for a person to talk about what other people are doing, to talk about situations beyond their control or to talk about past or future events. It does imply that there is little point in a person doing these things unless they also focus on what is happening inside them at the present time when they think about these situations or events. The focus in counselling needs to be on what is happening within the person at the moment in question, in the "here and now', if the intervention is to be optimally therapeutic. The need to focus on the here and now is one of the central concepts of Gestalt Therapy (Houston, 2003). Imagine a situation where a young man is angiy about the way his father treated him when he was a child. He could talk about this past relationship time and again and make little progress. However, if the counsellor brings the focus onto what is happening within the person at the time when he talks about the past, then progress is more likely to be made. The counsellor might then tap into anger, resentment and bitterness that is present right now. As the counsellor listens to descriptions of past experiences, it is appropriate for the counsellor to ask the person how he feels as he talks about them. The counsellor might say, ‘Tell me how you feel emotionally fight now, as you talk about those past events’. By doing this, the counsellor brings the focus into the present, and brings current emotional feelings that are associated with the past experiences of trauma into the person’s awareness. They are then able to fully experience those feelings and deal with them appropriately. It is only by experiencing these emotional feelings fully that the person will be able either to reduce them or get rid of them, or to discover ways of dealing with them constructively.

HELPING THE PERSON TO FOCUS ON THE PRESENT One way of bringing a person’s focus into the present is to watch their non-verbal behaviour and to tell them what you notice. Alternatively, you might ask a question about what they are experiencing emotionally. For example, their eyes may become watery as they recount some past event. Sensitively interrupting with the words, ‘I notice the tears starting to form in your eyes’ or ‘Fell me what you are experiencing emotionally right now’ is very likely to bring the person more fully in touch with their present internal experiences. It can be useful to give a person permission to take time, to stay With their feelings and to experience them. In that way they are allowed to cry if hurting, are allowed to express anger if angiy and are allowed to own whatever other emotions are being experienced, so that they can move forward into a more comfortable space. If this is done, gradually they will learn to allow themselves to experience their feelings rather than to deny them. This learning in the counselling situation will hopefully extend into their daily life and enable them to be more responsive to their feelings generally. Therefore, they will be enabled to deal with their feelings as they arise rather than letting them build up to an intolerable level. 'NEGATIVE FEELINGS' As discussed in Chapter 23, a common cause of distress is an inability to properly and appropriately express 'negative’ feelings towards others. For example, for many people the expression of anger is repressed from childhood. Whenever small children get angry their parents tend to say, ‘Don’t behave in that angry way. Don’t throw a tantrum/ As a result, the child learns, incorrectly, that it isn’t appropriate to express anger towards others even when an angry reaction is justified. Unfortunately, blocked anger often leads to depression, anxiety or stress. What is Worse, if we don’t let other people know how we feel towards them, or how we feel about their behaviour, then we prevent ourselves from having fully functioning, open and genuine relationships. Bringing issues out into the open and discussing them enables emotional feelings to be expressed, rather than suppressed with the pretence that they don’t exist. The immediacy of the counselling relationship can be used to demonstrate how feelings can be shared in a constructive way that enhances rather than damages a relationship.

MODELLING In the immediacy of the counselling situation there is a real-life relationship between the person seeking help and the counsellor. A skilled counsellor will naturally model adaptive and constructive ways of relating, and will also help the person to explore feelings that are generated by the counselling relationship. By learning to explore these feelings and bring them into the open, the person learns appropriate ways to deal with the feelings generated by relationships with others, and hence is likely to improve the quality of their relationships generally. Imagine that by carefully observing the non-verbal behaviour of a person seeking help, a counsellor suspects that they are angry with them. 1 he counsellor may have noticed, for example, an angry look flash across the person’s face. However, because it is easy to misin teip ret non-verbal behaviour, it is important for the counsellor to check out whether in fact it was an angry look. The counsellor might say, Tve got the impression that you looked angry then,’ and as a result the person may become aware of anger and may be willing to explore it, or may get more fully in touch with whatever it was they did experience. In this way their feelings are brought into the open and the counsellor can respond appropriately and genuinely so that the relationship with the person is more authentic. FEEDBACK If counsellors are to be genuine in their relationships with those who seek their help, they need to stay in touch with their own feelings, rather than suppress them so that they are not owned. Additionally, a counsellor’s emotional feelings may provide important information about the counselling process. Consequently, by recognising, owning and responding appropriately to their own feelings in the immediacy of the counselling relationship, counsellors may be able to respond more effectively to the counselling process to the benefit of the person seeking help. However, counsellors do need to be careful in sharing their own emotional feelings, particularly if these are not positive, as it is not appropriate for a counsellor to unload their own feelings onto the person seeking help. It does need to be recognised and admitted that some people engage in annoying behaviours. (Consequently, sometimes a counsellor may recognise that they are starting to be annoyed by someone who seeks their help as a consequence of a particular behaviour. When this happens the counsellor firstly needs to recognise and own their feelings, and make a decision about how to deal with these. If the counsellor is not able to deal with these feelings in a way that ensures that they will not adversely affect the counselling process or intrude on the counselling relationship, then the counsellor needs to explore these feelings in supervision with an experienced counsellor. Having dealt with their own feelings, a counsellor may recognise that the person does indeed engage in a behaviour that interferes with the counselling process and may also be annoying to others. In this case it may be useful to give the person feedback in a way that is acceptable to them. This may enable the person to learn how the behaviour is perceived. Then they can, if they choose, change (see Chapter 15 regarding the influence of counselling on the Johan window). Such change might significantly affect the person’s lite in a positive way, because it could be that the way they behave in counselling is similar to the way they behave when interacting with other people in the wider environment. Unfortunately, most people are too polite to give useful feedback to friends, even when their friends exhibit quite destructive and maladaptive behaviours. However, sometimes it is possible for a counsellor to give useful and appropriate feedback in a respectful way. HOW TO GIVE FEEDBACK Imagine that a counsellor was unable to finish a sentence when making appropriate counselling responses because the person seeking help continually interrupted. Initially, the counsellor would need to allow the interruptions to occur and to observe the process. However, after a while it might be appropriate for the counsellor to give the person some feedback. 1 he feedback would need to be given in a gentle way that enabled the person to feel respected rather than attacked. In giving feedback, a counsellor in this situation might say, ‘Right now I’m starting to feel concerned because I’ve noticed that I’m not able to finish what I’ve started to say’. I he person might discover that their tendency to interrupt was interfering with the communication process, and they could, if they wished, change that behaviour. Obviously, this type of feedback would need to be given in such a way, and at such a time, that it was as non-threatening as possible and acceptable to the person. In any ensuing discussion, it might be helpful for the counsellor to ask the person whether they have noticed any problems occurring when they are talking with other people. By doing this the person might start to explore the way they communicate in their work and social situations, and recognise the usefulness of making changes. When giving feedback, it is sensible to avoid starting a sentence with the word ‘you’ because this is almost certain to be seen as attacking and lead to a defensive response. Instead it is preferable to use an T statement. Additionally, it is often use fill to start with the words 'Right now’ so that the statement is heard in the context of the present moment. A typical feedback statement will often have one of the following structures: Right now I feel... because ... I feel ... when ... !'m [puzzled, interested, concerned, or some other feeling word] because I've noticed that... By starting with words that describe how they are feeling, the counsellor is open and honest in their relationship with the person. Hopefully this openness will make it easier for the person to hear and accept what is being said. After describing the way the counsellor is feeling, a feedback statement continues with a concrete statement of fact. Consider the example previously given: "Right now I’m starting to feel concerned because I’ve noticed that I don’t seem to be able to finish what 1 am saying’. The statement after the word "because’ is a concrete statement of fact describing exactly what the counsellor noticed, it is not an interpretation. An example of inappropriate feedback in this situation would be to say, ‘I feel irritated when you interrupt me because you don’t want to listen to what I’m saying’. This statement would be likely to result in the person feeling criticised and attacked, because the word "irritated7 implies blame. 1 he statement also involves an interpretation of the person’s behaviour, which might be quite incorrect. As counsellors^ we need to be careful not to include interpretation in feedback statements. When giving feedback we do need to recognise that it is possible that the person may respond negatively and defensively. If this happens, the immediacy of the counselling relationship will be brought into sharp focus. This provides an opportunity for the counsellor to explore the person’s perceptions of what is happening in the here and now so that the counselling relationship can be explored and enhanced. 1 he following are some examples of appropriate and inappropriate feedback statements. See if you can decide which are appropriate and which are not, and then check your decision by reading the comments at the end of this chapter.

EXAMPLES OF APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE FEEDBACK STATEMENTS Example 1 'You keep coming late to appointments because you don't think it's worth coming for counselling.' Example 2 1 am puzzled because I've noticed that you continually come late for appointments.' Example 3 'You have put a barrier between us because you dislike me.' Example 4 'You are treating me like a father and I'm not your father.' Example 5 'I am concerned because it feels to me as though you are relating to me like a son relates to his father.' Example 6 'Right now I have a shut-out feeling, as though there is a closed door between us.' From these examples and the comments provided at the end of the chapter you will have noticed that appropriate feedback involves the counsellor owning their own feelings in the relationship and sharing these together with a concrete statement of fact. Inappropriate feedback accuses, blames or interprets the person’s behaviour and often starts with the word 'you’. It is sometimes useful to teach a person seeking help how to use ‘I’ statements instead of 'you’ statements. We teach them using the ‘I feel ... when ...’ structure, as this is easy to understand. We also stress the importance of making concrete factual statements and of not making interpretations. Appropriately-given feedback should have the goal of leaving a person feeling cared about, respected and valued. Remember that a counsellor does not need to like a person’s behaviour to be accepting of them. It is not inconsistent to say Tm concerned because you don’t seem to be able to get to appointments on time’ while respecting, caring about and accepting the person as they are. We don’t need to like evervthing a person does in order to care about or like them.

TRANSFERENCE AND COUNTER-TRANSFERENCE l he immediacy of the counselling relationship often raises questions regarding what psychoanalysts in particular, and counsellors in general, call transference and counter­ transference. Transference occurs when a person seeking help behaves towards a counsellor as though the counsellor were a significant person from their past, usually the person’s mother or father. Naturally, it is quite possible for a counsellor to inadvertently fall into playing the role in which the person sees them. That is, if the person relates to the counsellor as though the counsellor were his father, the counsellor might start feeling and behaving like a father. Such behaviour, on the part of the counsellor, is called counter-transference. It is inevitable that transference and counter-transference will occur at times in the counselling relationship, but provided that this is recognised, brought into the open and discussed, it is not a problem. It would, however, be a problem if it were not brought out into the open, as it is not useful for the person seeking help to treat the counsellor as though they were someone from the past. It may be that in some ways the counsellor is like the person’s parent, but in other ways they are not, and it is important for the counsellor to make the distinction clear. 1 his enables a genuine relationship between the person and the counsellor to be maintained instead of the relationship being inappropriately coloured by the person’s past experiences with a significant other. When a male counsellor realises that transference may be occurring, the counsellor might say, T have an impression that you are relating to me rather like a son relates to his father.’ Where counter-transference is occurring, the relevant counsellor statement, for a female counsellor, might be: 'Right now 1 feel rather like a mother to you.’ The counsellor needs to point out caringly that she is not the person’s mother or any other significant person from their past, and that she is herself — unique and different. As a consequence of bringing the feelings into the open, they may be discussed and dealt with directly, so that an inappropriate relationship does not persist. In situations where the counsellor does not feel as though it is appropriate to bring the transference or counter-transference issue directly into the open, the issue needs to be addressed in supervision. Sometimes a counsellor will not recognise when transference or counter- transference is occurring. It is here that supervision can play an important role in helping a counsellor to recognise what is happening and to explore appropriate ways of dealing with the issue. PROJECTION Through the immediacy of the counselling relationship a person may learn something about their tendency to project characteristics of significant others from the past onto people in their current life. As a result, they may be able to recognise when inappropriate projection onto others is damaging relationships. Usually when a counsellor notices what is happening in the relationship between a person seeking help and themselves, it is sensible to bring this into the open. If as a counsellor you sense that something unusual, different or important is happening in the relationship, it will usually be useful to tell the person what you are observing so that it can be fully discussed and explored. By exploring such material the person is able to learn more about themselves, to realise what they do in relationships and to become more in touch with their emotional experiences and thoughts. As a result, they may be able to move forward and to develop more fully. RESISTANCE New counsellors can be troubled at times by an apparent lack of cooperation with the therapeutic process by the person seeking help. This is called resistance. A good example of resistance is provided by those who come late for appointments or who miss appointments repeatedly. Of course, there may be good reasons for a person doing such things. It is well to be aware, though, that often the explanations given may be more in the nature of rationalisations or excuses than the real reason why the behaviour is occurring. For example, a person may be finding counselling very threatening and worrying, and may, for subconscious reasons, be postponing attending. It is important for the person to realise what is happening so that the real issue is resolved and the person’s fear is addressed. Once again, what the counsellor needs to do is to verbalise what is noticed, rather than interpreting this. Resistance may often involve the person deflecting away from talking about important issues when these are painful. Once again, the most useful strategy is for the counsellor to give feedback of what is noticed by saying something like, ‘I notice that you change the subject whenever you start to talk about ...7 AN EXAMPLE OF RESISTANCE As part of our private practice we have trained and supervised other counsellors. We encourage trainees to make DVD recordings of some of their counselling sessions for use in supervision. David has noticed that on numerous occasions trainee counsellors would come to supervision sessions and tell him that unfortunately they hadn’t been able to make a DVD of a counselling session as promised. They would then give him a very convincing reason why it had been quite impossible for them to make the DVD: ‘Oh, 1 couldn’t find a blank DVD’, or ‘The machine jammed when I put the DVD in’, or ‘I put the DVD in and unfortunately 1 pushed the wrong button and it didn’t record’, or 'Unfortunately somebody else booked the camera before I did, as I had forgotten to book it’. Of course, all of those 'excuses’ were valid. They were all genuine. I he trainee counsellor was at no time lying but was being genuine and honest. However, resistance was usually uncovered when David said something like, ‘I notice that for three weeks vou have been unable to make a DVD, and have had perfectly good reasons. However, 1 am puzzled by this because you are a very capable person. I am wondering what happens emotionally inside you when you think about making a DVD.’ Giving feedback in this way often enabled a trainee to explore more fully what was happening, and as a result it was often recognised that it was threatening for the trainee to produce a DVD and, yes, if they had made a little more effort, it would have been possible to have produced the recording. David never needed to say, ‘You must produce a DVD next week . Rather, just drawing attention to what he had observed was sufficient to overcome the trainee’s resistance. DEALING WITH RESISTANCE If a person is repeatedly late, or has missed several appointments in a row, it can be useful to draw their attention to what has happened. It may be necessary to say, ‘Yes, 1 have heard your reasons and 1 understand and believe them, but 1 am still left wondering whether at some other level something else is happening. I am puzzled that you should be late so often.’ Resistance can, of course, take many forms. Sometimes resistance blocks a person from exploring a particularly painful area in their life, and as a counsellor you may feel frustrated by such avoidance. However, in our opinion, it is important to explore the resistance rather than try to burst through it. There are differences of opinion here, however, as some counsellors believe that directly breaking through the resistance is preferable. We prefer the opposite approach, probably because, while being integrative counsellors, we do have a special interest in Gestalt Therapy theory and practice. We explore resistance by drawing the person’s attention to what is happening. We might say, ‘1 notice that whenever you mention (a particular subject) you quickly change the subject. My guess is that it is too painful to talk about (the subject in question).’ The person is then able to experience the avoidance fully and usually something important will emerge spontaneously. If it doesn’t, then we might ask the person what they are currently experiencing emotionally. As a result they would probably be brought in touch with what it felt like to avoid exploring a painful area of their life and consequently might decide how to deal with their avoidance. Alternatively, they might say, ‘I’m not prepared to explore that really painful area of my life. To do so would be like opening up Pandora’s box. It’s far too scary for me.’ We need to remember that they have a right to make that choice and to leave Pandora’s box closed. If that is what they choose to do, we respect their wishes. USES OF THE 'HERE AND NOW' EXPERIENCE In this chapter we have dealt with the ways in which the immediacy of the counselling relationship can be used to: 1 help a person to focus on their own behaviour, inner feelings and thoughts in the present, rather than focusing on past behaviours or on the behaviour of others over which they have no control 2 help a person to learn to own and deal with their emotional feelings as they arise; this includes owning and dealing with so-called ‘negative’ feelings towards others 3 give a person constructive feedback, in an acceptable way, with regard to inappropriate behaviours that result in negative feelings in the counsellor and may annoy others 4 help a person to recognise and deal with the human tendency to project the characteristics of significant persons from their past onto others 5 help a person to deal with their own resistance. An effective counsellor will verbalise their observations of what is occurring in the immediacy of the counselling relationship so that an opportunity for personal growth by the person seeking help is promoted. Hopefully, what is learnt from the counselling experience will be carried into their everyday life. COMMENTS ON EXAMPLES OF APPROPRIATE AND INAPPROPRIATE FEEDBACK STATEMENTS Example 1 Inappropriate feedback: The statement is threatening as it starts with the word you'. The words 'because you don't think it's worth coming for counselling' are an unverified interpretation of the person's behaviour. Example 2 Appropriate feedback: The counsellor starts with an ' statement which describes how they feel: 'I am puzzled'. A concrete statement of what has been observed is then given: 'You continually come late for appointments'. The counsellor does not attempt to interpret the person's behaviour, but merely states what has been observed. Example 3 Inappropriate feedback: The statement is inappropriate because it consists of a 'you' statement, which could make the person feel attacked. Moreover, the counsellor is interpreting the person's behaviour. The statement 'You dislike me' is guesswork and could be wrong. Example 4 Inappropriate feedback: An inappropriate statement starting with "you' that could be received by the person as a put-down. Example 5 Appropriate feedback: This statement starts appropriately with an T statement of the counsellor's feelings: 'I am concerned'. Instead of accusing the person by using a you' statement the counsellor gives information about how the relationship feels for them. Compare this statement with Example 4. It is very different. Example 6 Appropriate feedback: Notice how in this statement the counsellor's own feelings are described rather than blaming the person for putting up a barrier. Compare this statement with Example 3.

Learning summary Talking about the past and the future, and about other people, is not constructive unless the person also focuses on the 'here and now' experience. Staying in the 'here and now', and focusing on current experiences, emotional feelings and thoughts, is therapeutically useful. The immediacy of the counselling relationship can be a useful learning experience for the person seeking help. A counsellor can model adaptive behaviour and relationship skills and give feedback to the person seeking help. Appropriate feedback can start with feel followed by a concrete non- interpretive statement. Transference is when a person seeking help treats the counsellor as a parent (or significant other). Counter-transference is when the counsellor responds to a person's transference as a parent (or significant other). Transference and counter-transference usually need to be brought into the open when they occur. Resistance may involve a person's apparent lack of cooperation with the therapeutic process or direct avoidance of painful issues. A good way to deal with resistance is to the raise the person's awareness of what is being observed. References and further reading Clarkson, P. & C'avicchia, S. 2014, Gestalt Counselling in Action, 4th edn, SAGE, London. Houston, G. 2003, Brief Gestalt Therapy, SAGE, London.