17. 正常化

本章知识点阐述

17

Normalising As we sat down to write this chapter David talked about an emotionally troubled person who came to see him. He said: Some time ago a person came to me in deep distress. 'I think i'm going crazy', she said. rMy head is buzzing with thoughts that flit in and out. I can't concentrate on anything for even a minute or two, and I'm getting nothing done in my daily life.' I was concerned. Was this person really going crazy? Did she need medication or specialist psychiatric help? I listened to her story using the basic skills and processes of counselling as described in this book. As the counselling session proceeded she sobbed as she got in touch with her sadness, and I began to understand. Once again she asked me, 'Do you think I'm going crazy?' and this time 1 was able to say, 'No, I don't think you are going crazy. If I had suffered the trauma you've just described I think that I would also feel the way you do.' I continued: 'I think that what is happening to you is inevitable and normal for someone who has had your recent experiences.' I also said that maybe if she was finding the emotional pain too severe she could ask her doctor to consider prescribing medication. However, she chose not to do so, and J was pleased to notice that when she came back to see me a week later she was slowly and naturally moving into a more comfortable emotional space. That story illustrates the use of the skill called normalising. David told the person that in his judgement what was happening to her was inevitable and normal. He noticed that she looked relieved and less tense as soon as he was able to tell her that he did not think that she was going crazy but saw her emotional distress as normal for the situation. 1 he skill of normalising can be particularly helpful if used appropriately. Often a person’s anxiety can be reduced if they can recognise that their emotional state is normal and appropriate for the situation. The example given above involved normalising a person’s emotional response to trauma. However, the skill can also be used to normalise behaviour and relationship changes that occur as part of life’s normal developmental crises. Readers who are interested in learning more about the types of problems that often occur as a result of developmental crises at various stages in life may be interested in reading Chapter 8 in our book Counselling Skills in Everyday Life (Geldard & Geldard, 2003).

HE NEED FOR CARE Clearly we need to be careful in using the skill of normalising because it would be irresponsible, unethical and possibly dangerous to tell someone who was experiencing severe problems of a psychiatric nature that they were OK and did not need specialist treatment. A counsellor who is in doubt about a person’s psychological condition should consult with their supervisor and refer the person to a professional who is competent to make a proper assessment. USES OF NORMALISING Normalising can be applied to: 1 emotional states 2 changes in behaviours, roles and relationships due to developmental crises. NORMALISING EMOTIONAL STATES The goal in normalising a person’s emotional state is to help them to reduce anxiety by letting them know that their emotional response is a normal one. Commonly, people become frightened by their intense emotions in times of crisis, bear of their highly charged emotional experiences leads them to wonder whether they are going to fall apart completely and end up in a psychiatric ward. As we know, the reality is that this could happen to any one of us. A high percentage of the general population require psychiatric help at some point in their lives so it is not realistic to deny a person’s fear of what could happen, instead, recognition of the fear with a response such as ‘You’re frightened that you’re going crazy1 is sensible. If, as a counsellor, you think that the person’s emotional response is appropriate for the situation, then it will probably be helpful if you tell them that. If you are unsure about the need for more specialist help, it is sensible to give the person the option of seeking further assistance. You might say: ' l he emotional state you are experiencing and describing seems to me to be a normal response to your situation, but if you are unsure about your ability to cope then you may want to look for more specialist help. What are your options in that regard?1 It might then be possible for you to make suggestions with regard to referral for assessment or treatment. If in doubt, the appropriate thing to do is to consult your supervisor. NORMALISING CHANGES IN BEHAVIOURS, ROLESAND RELATIONSHIPS DUE TO DEVELOPMENTAL CRISES We all go through normal developmental stages in our lives. An example of a developmental stage is when a child takes its first few steps. Previously, the child had been unable to walk, and their lifestyle changes as they learn to walk, l he time when those first few steps are taken involves anxious moments, so in some sense it is a crisis time. However, it is inevitable and normal for a child to learn to walk and for there to be associated anxiety. There are many developmental stages in our lives. These stages are generally inevitable and normal but usually involve anxiety. Unfortunately, most people do not recognise the normal developmental processes and tend to respond to them inappropriately with panic and sometimes despair. Consider some examples of common developmental changes. Some couples frequently run into trouble when a second or third child comes on the scene. With the first child things are usually fine because both partners are delighted and proud as new parents, and lavish time and affection on the new member of the family. However, things naturally and inevitably change with subsequent children. Often, although not always in our contemporary society, it’s the mother who has most responsibility’ for parenting young children and much of her energy is taken up doing this. Consequently, she does not have so much time or energy for her partner when the second or third child appears. She may feel resentful if she has interrupted her career by temporarily giving up her job with its associated social life. Partners may feel resentful because their companions, due to the children’s needs and demands on the primary care giver, are no longer able to give them the attention and affection they previously enjoyed. Both partners may therefore be unhappy and may come to the conclusion that there is something terribly wrong with their relationship. However, this is a normal developmental crisis due to the changing nature of the family. It is to be expected and is almost inevitable. It can be a great relief to the partners in such a situation if the nature of the developmental crisis is explained. A counsellor might say, 'What is happening to you could almost have been predicted because you have reached this developmental stage in your family life1. Often, as counsellors, we find that it is useful to use the word ’inevitable’ when we are normalising a person’s situation, even though using this word may result in an overstatement. For example, we might say to the couple we have been discussing, ‘It’s inevitable that you would feel this wav’. By saying this, the couple are likely to feel relieved because if they believe that what is happening to them is inevitable, they are likely to lose their feelings of failure — they may be able to recognise where they have succeeded rather than focus on their disappointments. They may realise that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with their relationship, but that there is a need for both of them to look for new ways to deal with this developmental crisis. Without blaming themselves or each other, they can then take action to make changes so that they are both more comfortable. As you can see, normalising is a way for a counsellor to instil hope and optimism into the counselling process. Another common time tor distress due to a developmental crisis is when children grow to an age where they require very little parenting as they become more independent. This is a time when parents can feel a sense of worthlessness as one of their central life roles, that of parent, is diminished. Some people find considerable satisfaction in life through parenting and when this role diminishes they feel empty and lost unless they can find satisfaction in other ways. Additionally, they may feel rejected by their children who, in their search for individuation and independence, may naturally and appropriately distance themselves physically and emotionally from their parents. Once again, normalising the situation by explaining to the person seeking help that what is happening to them is part of an inevitable and normal developmental stage in life can help them to feel better and to look for constructive ways in which to gain an increased sense of satisfaction. If you stop to think, you will probably be able to identify a number of examples of times in your own life when feelings, behaviours, roles or relationships have changed due to normal developmental processes. It is often easier to recognise these for what they are when they happen to other people rather than to ourselves. This is why the skill of ‘normalising’ is so useful — it brings emotional relief as it raises awareness of the inevitable and normal characteristics of a situation. WARNING! Normalising does not and must not involve minimising or devaluing a person’s problem and pain. Normalising does not involve saying to a person, ‘This situation is normal and inevitable. It’s really no big deal, and everybody has to go through the same process.’ To do that would fail to address the person’s genuine pain. What normalising does do is give the person a better understanding of their situation by putting it in its developmental context. When you do this, the person may see their situation differently and understand why they are experiencing emotional distress, but also recognise that they are going through a normal process. This recognition may enable them to deal more effectively with their pain and to move forward, rather than think that they are a failure and should somehow have been able to avoid the crisis. It is much better for them to be able to say, ‘I couldn’t have avoided this crisis, it is a normal and inevitable crisis that couldn’t be avoided. Now 1 can look for ways to respond to this crisis constructively.'

Learning summary Normalising involves: » letting the person know that their emotional feelings are a normal response to their crisis or » explaining to them that they are experiencing an inevitable and normal developmental crisis that could not have been avoided. Normalising needs to be carried out appropriately with attention to the possible need for onward referral if the person is at risk psychologically. Appropriate normalising does not minimise a persons problem or devalue their pain. Appropriate normalising helps the person to feel better and to respond more constructively to their situation. References and further reading Geldard, K. & Geldard, D. 2003, Counselling Skills in L veryday Life, Palgrave Macmillan, Basingstoke.